Don’t get me wrong I love my sister in law and niece. My wife and I have a small house we rent. We pay all bills, and have to support 6 lovely pets. On top of that we have car payment & plan on getting pregnant by the end of January 2023. My sis in laws marriage flopped after 15 years & when she decided to separate she said she was going to work really hard to save up to become independent for her and her daughter(they have been living at my in laws for the last 10-11 years and got comfortable there, no rent , except one water bill.) Fast forward 9 months, a whole showdown went down at my in laws and they don’t want either her husband there or her there past December. Yes, the husband still isn’t an ex and they were still living in the same house. Same room. Etc. in my opinion, she shoulda have saved up from the get go enough to afford a small place for her and her daughter. But working is not her biggest delight and her husband had always paid the bills. My wife and I work hard. The spare room is set to become a nursery. And our extra stuff is in there for now because our rooms are small. I’ve gotten used to working since I was 16 and working for what I have. Have been living with my wife since we were dating , just her and I, for about 9 years now. I’m used to having our space, our privacy. My wife decided on her own she would take her in because she has nowhere to go and said that she didn’t care for my opinion because that’s her sister and she’s gonna defend her. I get it. It’s family. But she’s a grown woman who has had years and time to save up. Am I in the grown for feeling totally blindsided?! How is my opinion not a priority? I feel baffled and I just know my wife and I will have fights and arguments in the long run. I don’t know what to do.
26 comments
No you’re not in the wrong for feeling that way. Because she did blindside you and totally wrong to just move her in without discussing it with you and you two confirming it.
> she didn’t care for my opinion because that’s her sister.
And you should respond with and I’m your husband and that should mean something too
Now is the time to discuss with your wife about how it’s both of your homes and this is a discussion that needs to be mutually agreed upon.
Also talk to your wife about a set timetable for your SIL to get back on her own, and then sit down with your wife and SIL and make sure she’s aware of that timetable and agrees to it.
I agree with you. Y’all are supposed to be a partnership. Major decisions should be discussed. You live there too.
Sorry OP. Not cool at all. Your SIL has been living with family forever. Did your wife give you a timeframe? Talk to your wife and if that does not resolve then you may need marriage counseling. Good luck.
Wonder how far down her priority list you are.
I would decide solely to leave and go to a hotel until sister and daughter are gone. Your wife did this to you because you have shown her that she can. Man up and stand up for yourself this time.
This is massively disrespectful of you, your home, and your relationship. If you are willing to accept her moving in, make sure you set boundaries, expectations, and a timeline. Put it in writing so there are no questions. Set an expectation that SIL gets a job in less than a month – and if she doesn’t, she’s out. In most states, if she lives at your house for thirty days, you will probably have to legally evict her to get her out, which usually means thirty more days after written notice. If she doesn’t get a job, she’s not serious about independence and you’ll have a roomie for life.
Your wife is way out of line here. I’d be livid. Personally, I’d make this a hill I’d die on. Good luck.
Your wife did something incredibly wrong and disrespectful to you and your relationship. One partner doesn’t get to decide to move someone in without the consent of their spouse. You could put your foot down and say no. It is your house just as much as hers.
How long is this supposed to last? Is it temporary or for the foreseeable future?
>I don’t know what to do.
Compliment your SIL appearance, take interest in her life.
Won’t take long.
Does your lease allow doubling up?
I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a calm discussion. No ultimatums, just questions about how far this will go. How long would she want to put off having a kid? Six pets, two women, a girl, a man, and potentially her husband as well in a two bedroom? You can’t add a baby to that and expect to be successful. It sounds like there’s no deadline in sight and SiL is planning on moving in for as long as she likes. Ask your wife what she thinks a reasonable schedule for SiL getting a job is. Ask your wife if the hubs can move in as well, and how long that might last. You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do, but I’d try to have the conversation be strictly about brass tacks, and allow her to direct it. My guess is she’s quickly going to realize how much of her life she’s compromising by allowing two, possibly three people to move into a small space.
Sounds like you’re gonna have the sil in your home for multiple years until someone gets fed up. Since they are here anyway make them do more housework and take care of the kid, cheap labor.
Start wearing condoms. Your wife will either get pregnant to trap you of because she’ll think baby will put you in better mood. I would think really hard on why my SO doesn’t see anything wrong with their siblings acting this way. Rule, in out house, we help anyone to the point of not interfering with our lives in any way. Our family, husband +wife+kid comes first and all of us have to be ok with whatever is happening.
If SIL has been living free all these years without a savings to move on her own and support herself, she was enabled to make her poor choices. If you take her in your need to set a reasonable time limit for her plan to move out. Be kind, not an enabler.
You are not wrong. Married people do not make unilateral decisions like this.
Sorry your wife did that. The question is, do you want to share your home with someone else for potentially years going forward that will negatively impact your own family’s life and plans? I think it is ok to help a sibling out for a short period by allocating them to live with you, but that should have been a joint decision and had a time limit attached to it. You should figure out how long you are willing to live like this and clearly communicate this deadline to your wife and SIL. Given your SIL’s history, I would expect her to not move out on time, so you need to think what you will do as a result. At the very least, go talk to a good family law attorney about divorce where you live and what steps a guy should take to protect himself. Then start implementing these steps, do more as it gets closer to the deadline and no action from SIL to move out. Ultimately, it appears like you are going to have to tell your wife she has to choose…you or SIL. If deadline comes and goes, then you need to leave and let your wife understand she has destroyed your life together. Good luck!
Wear condoms every time and tell her you will not try to have a baby with her until her sister leaves. And do little things to make your sister in law uncomfortable there. Ask her once a week about her progress towards moving out and mention how you feel cramped. When she is sleeping, make a little noise in the kitchen to grab a glass of water and accidentally wake her up. If you
Have a family member or friend to stay with, I would give a deadline and tell your wife you are leaving if her sister is not out by that day and follow through.
It’s your home too. I think this decision should have been made as a couple.
You are not in the wrong.
If you rent, better make sure that your landlord is okay with this! Some lease contracts say that anybody who stays for an extended period of time need to be added to the lease. Would hate for you to get evicted because you broke the terms and conditions of your lease!
shes hoping you dont want to fight and give in.
if you feel strongly enough about it – you essentially have to see if she chooses her sister, or you.
best outcome is to find a compromise. maybe they can rent somewhere, or you can help with logistics or finances, but your home is your home. dont settle and be miserable
I think every decision should be discussed in a marriage if it’s going to affect your spouse. I have to speak to and ask my husband about my family visiting because this is our house and I would expect the same. I admit to not liking guests to overstay at our house, even a week with my own sister felt too long, I like when it’s only my husband and I so I totally understand your point. Definitely uncool for her to have made a solo decision.
Make a plan for 3-6 months – If your landlord will allow it; tell your wife that’s the deal ; she needs to either work it out with her husband or find something else.. I don’t know what happened – if she’s a good wife and her husband cheated or something ; it might be the right thing to do… if she’s an entitled Karen who hates men; then that’s not the person you want to live with
OP please show your wife this thread.
My sister and nieces moved in 2 years ago and despite both of us wanting them here, it was so hard. It’s a huge lifestyle change. You deserve a say.
Absolutely not. Do not allow this, you’ll never get them out of your house.
You arent in the wrong you wife is. She’s absolutely in the wrong
Her sister lived at her mom and dads olace for 10 years no rent and still couldnt save up? Im sorry bit shes taking advantage and using her family. Dont let her move in, as soon as you do your life is going to be a mess. I had family like that and trust me you dont want them in your house. You gotta talk to your wife.