We’ve been together for 4 years and it’s admittedly rocky. I lost my only sibling in August and I’ve been struggling with a lot of anxiety since then. He is having a LOT of stress due to work (accepted a higher paying position that comes with a steep learning curve and a lot more hours).
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We’ve had a lot of squabbles over this past year. However, on several occasions he has been verbally abusive and I’ve called him out on it. Lately during arguments I see him start to call me some negative name and stop himself. So there’s been progress.
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On the weekend I was away with 2 of my female friends for 1 night. They took me away for the night to unwind since they know I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the death of my sister. While I was away, my partner was at home and he was trying to get some paperwork done.
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I checked in with him several times, but at one point we decided to sit in the hot tub for a half hour or so (so I didn’t have my phone). He was texting me asking where the key was for the filing cabinet because he was looking for a document (side note: it wasn’t an urgent matter). I didn’t see this because I didn’t have my phone for 30 minutes.
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He sent me a string of hateful nasty texts. He called me many names (useless id!ot, f\*\*\*ing b, a$$hole etc etc). He told me that I am of no use to him and an uneducated loser. Reading all this, I just felt numb. I didn’t respond. He apologized 2 hours later (via text) but also told me that I should never just walk away from my phone in case he needs help.
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So now, I’m wrestling with my own thoughts. Part of me thinks there’s no WAY he actually loves me (let alone respect me) if something non-urgent like that would cause him to unleash all this hate directed at me. He knows how much I’ve been struggling, and it feels like he doesn’t give a damn. On the other hand, maybe being under so much work stress is sort of an excuse for losing it like that?
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I have no idea if that’s “normal” within relationships, so I’m hoping to hear from others who can tell me if this is just part of relationships or if it is unacceptable.
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tldr: partner was very verbally abusive to me but then he apologized.
11 comments
Verbal abuse is never acceptable, it is never OK, it cannot be excused by claiming one is stressed. It is caused by contempt and lack of respect for your partner.
Why are you tolerating this?
Stress is not an excuse for abuse. There’s a common view that it’s during tough times that people show their real character. What makes a person good is being able to maintain good actions even during the tough times. It’s easy to behave well when you’re happy, but good people put the effort into being good all of the time.
It doesn’t really matter if this is “normal” or not. It’s unacceptable. If my partner ever said anything like this to me I would be done.
So what about *your* stress? Have *you* become abusive because of your grief?
Why are you making excuses for someone who unleashed a stream of vile insults at you over a minor inconvenience?
Your partner does not respect you. He’s way old enough to know better. Why is this ok to you?
No, it is understandable once or twice, but it can’t be that bad and it must be followed by “I understand where this is coming from, but you gotta deal with your shit better, everyone has their own shit to deal with, I have to deal with my shit also, so you deal with yours without making it also my shit cause I won’t stand it”.
Stop trying to figure out whether or not he loves you, because the point is that he treats you like crap.
An isolated incident is one thing, but this is a habit of his. And know what? LIFE is stressful. If your partner sends you nasty messages about something minor…which also so happens to be when you’re out having fun without him, that’s not stress, he’s just a nasty, toxic person.
No, this is not normal. And it doesn’t matter if he apologizes, because apologies don’t mean anything if you then just do the same thing again. He’s apologizing to get you to stop being mad, not because he’s going to change.
You can never be away from your phone in case he needs you? No. You were on a weekend away with friends. And in general you have a life and it’s unreasonable to expect you to be on call for him.
I’m sorry for your loss ❤️
> He apologized 2 hours later (via text) but also told me that I should never just walk away from my phone in case he needs help.
Be aware at the core of it this is still the typical ‘you made me do this’ rhetoric of all abusers. I am sure stress is a factor in why he acted this way but even when given the chance to apologise he still chose to victim blame.
He can’t cope with his life choices. That doesn’t vindicate him using you as a punching bag. And to exacerbate that further you are particularly vulnerable right now, making this especially heinous. And again, even given time to coil down he still chose the wrong way to respond, no real self reflection at all. You should always have your phone? He is delusional if he thinks that is even feasible.
He crossed a major line. Coming back from that will be hard. You’ll always remember this. And so long as he doesn’t actually acknowledge what went on and why it was so scary I don’t think you’ll ever be able to truly believe it won’t happen again.
Oh absolutely not. It’s the WAY he handles stress by CHOOSING to call you all sorts of names instead of having any other outlet. It’s not fair or healthy or good to you as a partner or as a person. Work is going to be stressful a lot of the time – he doesn’t get to use you as his verbal punching bag.
ALSO the fact that there’s been a death in your family. Even IF the way he insults you was “allowed”, you’d think he’d tone it down as you’re GRIEVING ???
Verbal abuse is not it. If he thinks you’re so “useless” then dump him, since he’s just sooo capable to do things on his own 🙄🙄
I would never accept this behavior in a partner. Screenshot the texts and show them to him when he is calm. What does he have to say for himself? Let him know that this is NOT ok, you are not going to be treated like that and if he wants to be with you he needs to show you respect no matter how angry he is