People don’t like me

I’ve really tried to make an effort this year. I went complete shut in during Covid and it was only around march this year that I started to look for a job and be a person for the first time since winter 2019. I’m also grieving for all the years I lost. During that time my self perception was so bad I didn’t dress in anything but sweatpants. I didn’t do my make up, I gained weight, I struggled to simply make eye contact or order a drink from a store because I thought I was so putrid they would laugh at me. I worked at a crappy convenience store for 3 days and had a teenage boy hand me a fake £50 note, and then bring his friend the next day and they complimented my eyes to distract me because I looked that easy I guess. I told them off. Anyways. I also had a man there congratulate me for getting a job of any kind and then another guy (recently immigrated from India in his 30s and English was broken – I know bc we spoke for a bit) tell me that I’m lucky to get this job and maybe I could work at Sainsburys like him (he meant it) and then proposition me on a date (drink beer in a park). I felt unrecognisable from myself that was a pretty girl 5 years prior, on a pathways to law programme at LSE. People were really treating me like I had no qualifications.

My Dad introduced my mum to someone the other day and said she looks younger than my daughter! And my mum cried and said he doesn’t respect me “how could you say that about your own daughter”. I wasn’t going to take it offensively until she reacted like that lol.

At my last job I was just tolerated – barely. The women didn’t really like me. A guy there took 4 months to talk to me when he could’ve just said good morning from the get go like he did to everyone else on my team. When we did talk it was to patronise me and he asked me out for a lunch date saying “why not I’m handsome and you’re, okay I guess”. I kind of snapped at him eventually for grabbing my shoulders. He called me a bottom bitch (jokingly). And on my last day he didn’t say a single word to me and purposefully bullied me by isolating me by making it clear I was the only one he didn’t give a voucher to.
In a course I did recently for first aid, it was like everyone avoided talking to me at the end. I would try to contribute to conversation and people would just, not make eye contact or I’d kill the flow. I’m tired of making an effort.
Im part of an intern programme for this new job and this guy joined as the last one maybe a month after I started. He immediately had more rapport with them even though he’s pretty introverted and quiet and awkward. He also is doing better at work than me. I find him kind of rude to me to be honest. I asked for him to send a link to me today and he wrote “I will send it now. Done.” I’m frustrated by how cold men can be in the name of not giving an ugly girl the wrong idea. He has a tendency to snicker when a mutual friend sasses me.

Honestly its probably not even that. I think it’s my work ethic, or lack thereof that disgusts people.

I went to a family wedding during summer and it was almost comical how I repelled people. It was like I had cooties and no one wanted to catch it by association.

I feel like no face from spirited away. Just desperate and lonely and repugnant.

My manager and boss sat me down today to let me know I have an extended 2 week probationary period but they are most likely going to fire me. I don’t understand how I keep struggling so much even with support. I know I have ADHD but honestly I guess a part of me always thought it was just laziness. But I keep trying and it’s becoming so obvious like in school, I have a learning disability. My brain just doesn’t want to do what I tell it to do. I feel so stupid.