I’m fourteen, and since I was a little kid, I’ve been constantly praised for my maturity. I was talking in full sentences much earlier than most kids, though that may be unrelated. I’ve enjoyed talking about and researching philosophical topics since I was probably eleven or so. In third grade, my teacher said in a report card comment that if i didn’t look and sound like a kid, she’d think she was talking to an adult.
Because of this, I much prefer conversing with adults. I have one older cousin who’s in college for cognitive sciences, and I love talking to her. I’d like to major in neuroscience, so we have some similar interests.
But, when talking to people my age or people who I don’t share many interests with, I find that I start to talk about myself a lot. My parents have told me outright that I need to do more listening and less talking. Maybe that’s why I like public speaking so much. They also tell me that I shouldn’t talk so much about my advanced classes, because people already know I’m in them and will probably just think I’m trying to praise myself. Honestly, I don’t even notice when it’s happening, but I do think I accidentally praise myself a lot in conversation. I’m proud of my skills in art, writing, and academics. (Though I hate on myself in most other categories.)
I also have a tendency to correct others on things that don’t matter in the slightest, and I get defensive when someone disagrees with me. Just this afternoon, my younger sister tried to compare something her friend did to a hypothetical situation, and instinctively, I began explaining why her metaphor wouldn’t work. She began to cry and said I couldn’t even let her tell a story without correcting her about something. I feel horrible, though she does cry frequently, and it wasn’t surprising as much as me just realizing how often our conversations end that way.
I think the correcting may simply just come from my inherent need to be correct. As long as I can remember, both in my house and at school, every mistake is viewed as a bad thing. If someone even disagrees with me about something opinion-based, I will act like they just insulted me and argue back, even if they didn’t intend it as an argument.
I think I just need to work on checking myself, but I feel like all of these things are somehow related. I don’t know if it’s just how I was raised, but I fear that it’s affecting my friendships.
3 comments
I’m not a doctor, but some of the mannerisms you describe sound like Asperger’ Syndrome aka “Little Professor” syndrome. Do you have single-minded focus? An “all or nothing” mentality? Are you good with facts, but not so good with feelings? Do you struggle with eye contact or have sensory issues? Are you big on routines and tend to be fussy outside of preferred spaces? Do you steer every conversation to your own interests and have difficulty conversing when the topic is not about you and your interests?
Some kids get on well with adults, especially family, teachers or coaches because the grown ups often do all the work in a conversation. They ask questions, fill gaps, smile brightly and put the focus on young people. These same kids may struggle in peer interactions when others call them out or shut them out for monopolizing conversations, being arrogant or rude. 14 is a pretty social time, and traditionally kids will do or say things to fit in. Kids who walk their own paths or hang out on the fringes usually do better socially once the middle school years come to a close.
Most of the kids I have known who are on the autism spectrum are delightful human beings, but they seem to have similar struggles. They lack self-awareness and tend to be refreshingly naive. They may be creative and very bright in their preferred content, but struggle with some of the everyday personal skills typical kids take for granted. Again, I’m not sure if this is part of your identity. The social skills resources available for kids on the spectrum may help you even if it does not describe you. ❤️
Wow I love reading your words. If you want to avoid correcting others then don’t. Just wait and listen. It’s hard to do but others will appreciate you for listening sometimes people just need to be heard.
Well, you certainly come off as smart, organized and extremely well-spoken. TBH, I’m not entirely convinced that you’re the age you say you are, but that said, my comments apply regardless of age. 🙂
In my experience, some people just have a lot more to say than others. They think more broadly and deeply, can do both concrete and abstract (latter is the hard part), have more general knowledge, make connections and good inferences, reason more quickly (fast reaction time is pretty strongly correlated with IQ) and so on. When you’re in that situation, it’s often hard *not* to be a bit overbearing (correcting, in your wording) or to talk instead of listening, as you describe.
I would say I’m pretty much in the same situation as yourself–“talking early in full sentences,” oh yeah, I think that’s definitely related. I once had a boss tell me “People often tell others, ‘you write like you talk,’ but with you (i.e. me), you talk like people write.” Given the clarity and organization of your paragraphs, I suspect that may be true of yourself also. Another insightful comment I once got was “you have the strongest need for order of anyone I’ve ever met.” Mostly, they were commenting on my drive for cognitive order–that is, to organize and understand the world in a structured manner. Here again, I think I sense some of that in your posts.
If I’m reading you correctly, your main concern involves synching your cognitive styles and abilities with effective peer interactions. At several points, you mention possible misalignments: i.e. making your sister cry, and negatively affecting friendships, and you discuss “checking” yourself.
Well, that’s the hard part (ask me how I know). When you’re organized, locked-in and smart, it can be pretty damn tedious to interact and converse with people who are not so advantaged in those ways. But that’s life (and that’s how you’re going to spend much of your life, Lol). You’ll find ways to do that (sounds like you have a good overall sense of the situation now). Just remember that being correct (logically and factually) is not the same as being right (in a social sense.)
As for specific strategies, you say: “My parents have told me outright that I need to do more listening and less talking.”
Yup, they’re right. Listening well is a huge skill, and it can add greatly to relationships (peer and otherwise) and to life satisfaction. Of course, this brings up the “tedious” bit—how does one listen when so many people yammer on in a disorganized, un-insightful manner?
I think you provide a key answer here: “I do tend to steer the conversation to my own topics.”
Yes! I call this “ruddering.” Basically, the idea is that everyone has *something* interesting to talk about (at least interesting to you.) So you have to keep them focused. When they get going on some dull topic, you rudder them back to whatever you find most interesting… ”Ah, yeah, epic zit attacks sure are horrible alright…but, hey, you know, you said you once worked a a baby goat farm…what were the kids like?” Etc. Etc. This lets people talk about themselves (everybody’s favorite subject) but keeps it interesting. And trust me, people will *never* notice that you’re doing this. (Sometimes I tell them, and they still don’t notice. Not that they would care—they’re talking about themselves!)
Also, as you say: “With adults, they do probably do the work.” [GladysKravitz has some excellent insights here.]
That’s another key—listening is easier than talking, and you can just float along, ruddering people as needed. This also provides useful “capital” for when you do want to talk.
“Though if it’s a topic I’m interested in, I will ask questions, make suggestions, and bring up related topics.”
Great strategies—crucial and important. This is exactly what I do. Questions especially are huge, and *few* people ask them. Key here is what I call “the second question.” That is, the detailed follow up question(s). Finding smart people and extracting information in this way is very useful and enjoyable.
Overall, maybe it would be useful to think of it like this: you’ll have ample opportunities to just cut loose, enjoying your abilities and your sheer cognitive horsepower (as you say, in public speaking, or a science career) but a happy life will require adjusting yourself to the rest of the bell curve, and realizing the (very real) social satisfactions that this can often provide.