situationship drama

i (F19) am in love with my best friend (M20). this has taken a lot of self discovery and turmoil on my mental health, but this is the conclusion i’ve come to. i’ve never had a crush before, or wanted to do anything romantic or sexual before him.

he is a bit of an asshole. he has a long distance girl friend from home, and is sorta hooking up with a friend in our class. that’s what made me realize i was jealous and wanted what she had. he’s probably going to break up with the gf when he goes home for the holidays.

i’ve told him how i feel and we’ve kissed a few times. i know he’s tired of lying to everyone and feeling guilty all the time, and that part i understand. he’s also worried that because he’s an asshole he’s going to break my heart. also, a fair assumption.

i have trust issues. every childhood friend i ever had abandoned me and never told me why. yet, for the first time, i believe him when he says he’s not going anywhere. i trust him, now more than ever before.

yes he might break my heart. but most of his problems come from cheating, and i’m honestly open to an open relationship. i just love being best friends. but he’s really concerned about messing things up.

i told him i’d drop it until we get back from winter break, so i need to figure out what i say before then. i really want things to work out.

he keeps trying to scare me away, telling me links i’m not sure he’s told many people before. but i’m properly in love with him, so i don’t really care. i’m hoping once he gets how much i want this he’ll reconsider, because he really is just scared.

any advice?

tldr: i’m in love with my best friend and i don’t know what to do.