We used to spend weekends together all the time and on weekdays he has been busy spending time on playing sports. Now he’s started to play on the weekends too. I kept informing him that I need more time with him because the way our time is spent together is not quality and alone time. All of our time together is when we are out when he plays and never alone time to be able to be intimate. Even though I’ve mentioned that to him he doesn’t have any urgency to make time. It’s made me feel undesired and because of that I’ve lost motivation in giving him attention. When I told him I feel undesired and need him to give us our time back he says “you’ve made me feel undesired when you’re not motivated to do anything” I said how am I supposed to feel motivated to give you attention if all of our time together is when your playing and that not really quality time or place to lead to any intimacy. We’re not going to break up but how do I motivate myself if I’m not seeing anything on his part?
19 comments
Why do you want to stay with someone who clearly doesn’t prioritize you when all you’re asking for is one or two days a week alone together
You need to negotiate a specific goal on the time you spend focused on each other. Time spent in the same room doesn’t count.
Having a specific number means it’s objectively obvious whether you are spending the amount of time together that you both agreed on.
If you are having these kinds of issues before marriage, you might not want to plan the wedding just yet. You can try couple’s counseling to try and work out a compromise. But, if you already have a dead bedroom, that should be a red flag.
That perfectly said time spent in same room isn’t time spent together. I need to tell him like that! Thank you I have told him specific days I want to spend with him and he doesn’t want to just have fixed days. He says we should try to hang out during the week too and when I do he’s always so tired from work and the days he’s out playing that he falls asleep and we still don’t have sex. I just need to do something to where he knows how to balance it out and not tire himself so much so if he’s out in the weekends we can still make time for intimacy on weekdays. How do I get myself to initiate sex if I’m not feeling desired?
Honestly, you should break up if you’re not seeing anything on his end. Relationships require effort on both sides, and all you’re going to do to yourself by trying harder and harder to make up for the effort HE should be making is making it clear to him that you don’t value yourself. All you do by re-explaining it twelve times when it’s clear he knows what you said and just doesn’t care, is to make yourself crazy. Stop spending time trying to turn someone into a decent partner, and just go out and look for one where “basic respect and affection” come out of the box with them.
Check out r/deadbedrooms
Wow I don’t like that! It’s terrible in that subreddit. Doesn’t feel good.
You don’t want to breakup but the writing is on the wall. Need to assess what the picture is here and make peace that you two just aren’t a fit. Your schedules don’t line up to see one another during the week, so you can only see one another on weekends. He obviously has a hobby and passion for sports, so you knew that and can’t tell him to give it up, he has to want to. But, at the same time you did tell him and he didn’t offer to give up sports so that’s telling you where he puts a priority. He needs to put in effort but clearly doesn’t have an issue with not being intimate. Hate to tell ya, but if you’re letting him know you want to be intimate and have alone time but he isn’t making effort, it won’t lead anywhere
Dude, this man doesn’t want to give you any time. He just want to have you around to be his cheeleader. I would drop him, but you do you.
You brought up your perfectly valid feelings and he immediately turned them around on you, blaming you for it. This is manipulation at it’s most basic.
In a healthy relationship, each person has to be giving 51% of the effort, and in the long run, sometimes 100% of the effort (sickness, family issues, job loss, etc.). Your guy is giving 0% all the time. Selfish people don’t make life partners. If you’ve done your best to help him see his childish and selfish ways, and he’s plainly not able to give you 51% moment to moment, as you give him 51% in return (math doesn’t work in relationships!), then it’s time to move along.
It will only get worse once you are married and even more so when you have kids – trust me! If he is so involved with sports that he can see it’s impact on your relationship and intimacy, then it’s not looking good.
I would suggest trying to block off time with him each week to work on your relationship. If he can’t commit to that, then you will know exactly where you stand on his priority list.
My dad missed my birth for a volleyball game.
Don’t be with that guy.
Yeeeah, he’s great but uhm, he doesn’t meet your needs so it’s not going to work.
I’ve been married long time, it’s easier at 15 years to get past these things. As much as I love my other and truly better half I’d be lying if I said our marriage wasn’t close to over a few times because everything else came before me. I need less now, so it’s easier but I promise you it’s not love that keeps a marriage together. It’s the time and attention that makes it worth hanging on through the garbage life throws your way.
You add kids to this dynamic…doomed.
I know it’s not what you want to hear but as someone who spent time plotting death over being alone married to someone… this is not something you can overlook. It’s a special kind of lonely to be alone and unknown to someone you love. It can break you in places you didn’t know you had.
So you don’t even live together??
Aight, clearly you love the man but here’s the thing. Are you willing to be second, possibly in third place when interacting with this man?
Do you want to always beg a grown man for attention??
Are you willing to get possibly cheated on? Because no damn way does he play sports that much to where ALL 7 days are taken up, no way. A man has needs outside of sports and if he’s not getting em from you, then either his locker buddies or someone else is giving it to him.
I’m sorry to be rude, but a man will love and cherish a woman, and it will be showcased mainly by how much time, effort, and energy he puts into the relationship.
Don’t let this guy tear you down just because he can’t get his hand out the sand. You’re not married now but I promise you that it’ll get worse and out of the 3 questions above that I asked, some or all of those will happen.
Find a man that adores you and wants to spend time with you without making you feel less than. You’re only going to live once, might as well find a partner that doesn’t make you feel like you’re pulling teeth with a hormonal teenager.
Op, hate to break this to you but I think you need to take a break from this guy. Tell him that you’ve been communicating that he’s not meeting your needs in this relationship despite promising to and that you’ll need some time away from him to re-evaluate this relationship. Then go somewhere. Go on vacation or stay with a friend or something. Take some time to think if you can spend your life as second place to his hobbies. Because that’s what you are. Second place.
Either a break kicks him into gear and makes him fix this or it gives you the strength to make some relationship changes (I.e break up)
Is he possibly asexual?
As a 48yo single man I find this as a red flag. A real man who truly wants to show his love for you would be more than happy to spend more intimate time with you. Honestly you may have to replace him. I suppose you could try some lingerie but you need some alone time first!