So, my (21M) GF (21F) has a Guy (21M) bestfriend that she kept talking to. I know the guy aswell because we’ve all been friends since before I got together with my girlfriend and I told my gf that I will never get jealous with him and I have never get jealous until one moment (they hold hand with each other whilst only the two of them drinking, I know they don’t have sex because i trus both of them enough, I already talked about this and they hold each other because of a sentimental issues thst they are currently talked about at that moment). After that I started to get uncomfortable feeling. Idk why. I know that they are that close to each other and which is fine because I have a female best friend too and I will do the same if she talked something so sentimental and I’ll try to comfort her but not by holding her hand. I always think the scenario where what if the tables turned and I’m the one who did that? I can only think that I will try to comfort her but not hold her hand because I think holding hand is “intimate”, and to make me feel more uncomfortable, the kept exchanging messages like “where r u right now?” or “lets go to … ” and sometimes they call till midnight, both of that is what makes me uncomfortable the most, maybe if they just chat like once in a while or go outside just to catch up I’ll be more understanding
What do u guys think?
TL;DR My gf and his bf kept chatting daily and sometimes meet up, i’m getting uncomfortable
2 comments
While the same may or may not apply to your case, I have a handful of friends that I am very close to. Have been for over 25 years. Two of them are guys. And if I am upset all of them including the guys would hold my hand or give me a hug.
We don’t talk everyday, because life… But I consider these people my support system including the guys, a lot more than friends, but zero romantic interest.
Here’s two very similar situations I (28M) have dealt with:
1) [most recently] before me, my girlfriend (27F) had been in a 2 year long relationship with a married man (~65M). There’s a whole lot more to that convo, but the relevant point here is that they continued to keep in touch (texting and FT almost daily) at least 6mo into our new relationship. He would call her cutesy nicknames, she would say things like “oh you should buy property around here so we can hang out” (he lived across the country). She swore things were over (and it’s not like they could meet up easily) but nevertheless their communication made me uncomfortable. I talked to her about it on multiple occasions, telling her calmly why it made me uncomfortable and asking her to do… *something*. Like she didn’t have to cut him off but it couldn’t stay like that. Well, it could, but I would be leaving in that case. Anyway, despite her promises she never really did cut him off and it remained a major point of insecurity for me thru our relationship (think: *if she’s capable of that* [being an affair partner], *what else is she capable of?*). Ultimately it wasn’t the downfall of the relationship, but it was a straw on the camel’s back, so to speak. My friends, family, and therapist all agree that this was an unhealthy situation.
2) [goes back to 2018-19] my (26M) girlfriend at the time (23F) had dated a guy (23M) on and off for several years. From what she told me it was a fairly toxic situation. I met the guy numerous times and needless to say he was an immature tool. But she would talk to him alllll the time. I mean we were laying naked in bed at 8am and she was already texting him. Even worse, he often took her to concerts/soccer games, bought her presents, ran races together, etc etc. I asked her to dial it back, to say something to him, again, to do SOMETHING. But no. And that time it was a big part of our breakup.
So ultimately you need to decide (1) what your boundaries are and (2) whether you’re alright with their actions so far. Try talking to her, be calm and rational, but also know your limits. Personally I know I tolerated too much and I’ll never be doing that again.