I grew up catholic and my parents always told me the right thing is to not have sex before marriage. Parents aren’t super strict and not super religious but I still had those concepts embedded in my mind. I recently got into a 2 year relationship at the age of 20, still thinking about waiting until marriage but my partner at that time told me it’s important to have sex while in a relationship. Therefore, things happened and I lost my virginity. After 2 years, we broke up and I have been single for almost a year. I learned I have a high sex drive and he’s been my only partner. He had a low sex drive with me so I was pretty sexually frustrated.
My mom and I sometimes chat about sex and she still tells me it’s not good to have sex with a boyfriend because you’ll get too involved, emotionally attached and there’s a risk of STD’s. She even said that everyone should wait until marriage, even if you have to wait years. The thought of that made me sick. When you fall in love, making out feels amazing and obviously you want more because you will be frustrated and sex is natural. I don’t think I can ever do hook ups because im not into that, don’t wanna catch anything or get murdered. It sucks being a high sex drive person. I still feel like my family’s views on intimacy still affect me. Anyone else feel that way?
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Your experience is really common with people who grew up in more conservative, religious households so you’re in good company.
But it’s important for you to also realize all the deeply sex negative ideas that people ascribe to in those religions/cultures. In other words, as you can see through your conversations with your mom, when they think of sex, it’s primarily through all the “bad” things about it or what it could to rather than discussing sex through a more balanced light, let alone a positive one.
Somehow, marriage is supposed to erase all those bad things (which, of course, isn’t remotely true) but when you spend almost no time talking about the good things, then people go into marriage and sex feeling really unprepared for it. The fact that there’s an entire cottage industry of Christian sex advice should tell you *a lot* about how ill-prepared adults raised in conservative, religious households are when it comes to sex.
You’re struggling with this stuff because, on some level, I suspect it doesn’t make sense to you. Your sex drive adds to that but even without it, it sounds like you’re pretty aware of how your family’s ideas just don’t jibe with your own sense of the world or your values.
*And that’s ok*. Just remember that they get to live their own lives, by their values. *So do you*. If those things aren’t in alignment, that’s because different people are different.
I dislike the general idea of waiting until marriage to have sex.
Sexual compatibility is as important as every other aspect of a relationship.
For example, you said that you have a high drive and your ex bf had a low drive, leaving you feeling frustrated.
Imagine finding that out after marriage and looking forward to that frustration for life.
Also, as pointed out marriage doesn’t erase or prevent the dangers of sex.
My wife was raped in college and has hsv-2 as a result.
That is something that she will have for life unless science finds a cure.
There’s always the chance that I will get it from her. Our marriage license offers zero protection against this risk.
Wear a condom, get tested, and go for it. I don’t understand how sex making you feel emotionally attached is a bad thing…don’t you want to be emotionally attached to your partner?
But also, if the sex is bad, you will likely feel less emotionally attached…and you can make the informed decision to break up before committing your life to a person you have shitty sex with.
You already learned about your sexual self in this relationship, now you carry that into the next. The more you know about yourself, the more you bring to your future relationships.
Why wouldn’t you try before you buy. Nobody wants to be in a marriage where they aren’t sexually compatible with their partner, which is a very real possibility if you aren’t having many experiences and meeting a good fit.