I [32F] keep lapsing into sexual fantasies about a close friend [M27] who I’m not attracted to. What?

Hi all,

I cannot find anything about this anywhere. I’m very confused about this situation and have reached the limit on how much unpacking I can do on my own. I just need to soundboard.

So Kevin \[M27\] is a good, and close friend. He’s part of my primary friend group, and we all hang out together at least twice a week. The group is me \[32F\] and 4 dudes, but things are really casual and close. I haven’t been in a relationship with any of them, although two have admitted at different points to having a crush on me. Crushes that they both seemed to have move on from for the sake of the friendship. Kevin is one of the two. I cannot stress enough that after being rejected both of these guys have not been weird. At all. I feel like just one of the guys. We can all talk about dating or sex and no one seems uncomfortable or jealous. We are all very healthy and supportive of each other.

This friend group is the best thing in my life, hence why I really want to figure this out.

Anyway, I obviously like Kevin and have spent countless hours with him in a group setting. We also hang out one-on-one (we all do). Kevin is relatively inexperienced for his age, but has just bloomed with us. He says “yes” to things, has an idealistic streak, and time and time again meets his emotional issues head on or has the capacity of vulnerability to come to the group for support. He’s such a good dude and it’s been so cool to watch him become himself. Obviously I’m fond of him, but really I can type something equally as flattering for all of my guys.

Now the thing is… I just don’t find Kevin attractive. His mannerisms actually turn me *off* if anything. And his body type isn’t my preferred, and I’m not wild about his face. It hurts to say these things about my boy, but… it’s just true. If I could flip a switch, I would.

It’s not just his body though. Kevin and I’s dynamic is… kinda mentor-y? I brought him into the group and I’ve offered a ton of guidance (along with the others) in socializing and advice, and exposing him to new things. There’s a power dynamic that feels a little creepy. More importantly, it doesn’t feel like he can be a *partner*. Like we’re just *not* on the same footing.

But then again… that power dynamic turns me on. I think he’s kinda adorable and I just wanna bury him in a mattress sometimes. Fuck, that feels weird to say.

Point is, I don’t understand how I can keep feeling this way when I’m just *not* into him. The power dynamic stuff is… I can get that anywhere. I *have* gotten that elsewhere. This isn’t some forbidden or unobtainable thing. I can hit someone up *today*.

I really want this to stop. It’s jarring to have steamy thoughts and then he walks in and my labido drops. It’s also just distressing because feeling confused isn’t nice. I also feel alone. I’ve never heard of this.