I’ll try to keep this post short (emphasis on try…)
My boyfriend and I are in our early 20s and have been together for over a year. I see a future with him, he genuinely cares for me and wants to see me succeed, he’s hilarious and intelligent and so interesting to talk to, we get along great. We travel and enjoy life together, and are also in the same industry so getting to work on projects with him is a huge plus. And I am also close with his family thankfully.
For the most part everything is good, but when we do inevitably have disagreements (as all couples do, no?), everything goes south fast. We both come from dysfunctional families and thus our communication skills when it comes to the relationship are a bit rusty.
He will get defensive if he thinks I am criticizing him, will self-pity and say that he’s a bad boyfriend when I have qualms with the relationship due to his low self-esteem. He is also incredibly stubborn, will dig his heels in over pretty much anything, and trying to get him out of his comfort zone or sacrifice a bit of comfort for the betterment of the relationship is a losing battle.
As for my role, I generally struggle to find contentment in life, and when my relationship does not make me feel fulfilled, I can start blaming the relationship itself. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t tell whether he isn’t pulling his weight or if my constant dissatisfaction in life is making me look at my relationship pessimistically. I also think I’m probably too idealistic. He says that I am unhappy no matter what, very complicated and difficult to please, he feels like his efforts aren’t enough, he thinks that I want to change him and that I don’t accept who he is.
I hate to make him feel that way, but from my perspective, my gripes are reasonable and are things that people in relationships SHOULD work on together.
(From least to most severe: he frequently ignores my messages/forgets to reply which makes maintaining closeness when we’re apart difficult, he rarely engages in or shows interest in things I like or my hobbies, 90% of the time I am the one that makes the trip to see him and not the other way around which is exhausting and he knows I don’t like it, he makes little effort to see my family even though he knows that is incredibly important to me).
When I bring these things to his attention, he comes up with a thousand excuses and sometimes belittles how I feel about them (for example, saying that he’s “sorry” sitting on a train for 2 hours to come see him is so difficult for me). Thing is, he wants to please me and feels bad for all of those things, but he seems to be unwilling to sacrifice his own comfort for the relationship (he has admitted this and says that he “should be better”, but I see very little evidence of him trying). He is not comfortable driving so far, not comfortable around my family etc etc. I am getting tired of accommodating these reservations, when I myself was uncomfortable spending so much time on public transport and seeing his family at the start too. I sometimes feel like I am dragging a child along, kicking and screaming.
To top this all off… he is extremely conflict avoidant due to his childhood and thinks talking about things isn’t important, which is why, I believe, we end up having blow-ups every few months. He thinks all disagreements in life lead to hostility so he tries to avoid it at all costs by deflecting and refusing to discuss. Nothing ever truly gets resolved because he does not know how to communicate and will do whatever he can to keep the peace in the moment. And when it seems to be resolved, the same problems may arise later and bringing it up again only sends him into his defensive “you want to change me, why can’t you just let it go and be happy” mode.
It’s never a calm discussion, he always feels attacked and takes everything so personally (and for the record, I try to be careful with the way I word things).
It’s possible that I rely too much on him to fulfil my needs, I can’t deny that I have some codependent tendencies that likely add fuel to this fire because I have difficulty finding happiness in my own life, and also I currently have a really small social circle – he makes up a large portion of my social interaction with other people. I really just don’t know if I need to suck it up and love him the way he is/find happiness in other parts of my life, or find someone more compatible – but would finding someone else even work? I will still be me, struggling with happiness and whatnot. My idealistic streak clouds my judgement.
TL;DR is that he thinks I have too many problems with him/with the relationship and am impossible to please, I think he is not trying hard enough. When I present these issues to him, we have a communication breakdown because he takes things so personally and is emotionally immature, and things escalate from there. Though he insists he reacts this way because conflict, to him, is inherently stressful due to his upbringing.
Has anyone been in this situation before? How would you go about fixing this? It’s possible he and I just aren’t going to work, which breaks my heart but I’m willing to accept it. Though I worry about the possibility of throwing this relationship away only to realise our problems were fixable.
6 comments
I think you should discuss this with him in an open conversation. Let him know up front what it’s about and that your relationship might be on the line, but also make it clear that you want things to work between you and you are not mad at him. Try to stay calm and patient and give him ample time to sort out his thoughts and speak.
It sounds to me like you both have your own personal issues, which are bleeding into your relationship. It’s good that you are cognizant of your own issues, but if you feel that it is hard to deal with them on your own it’ll only be harder to deal with them in your relationship. The same goes for him.
I also used to be conflict-avoidant, like your boyfriend. I’m not sure why, but I had a tendency to shut down anytime my girlfriend had an issue. In the end it came down to confidence and reassurance. I needed to go out and do things in social situations to build up my social confidence. This included talking to strangers, meeting new people, and really trying to put myself out there. Meanwhile, I required reassurance and loving support from my girlfriend to know that I could be fully open with her, without the risk of judgement.
We broke up a year later for other reasons, but am certainly stronger now for it all. I think you guys can stick it out, but you have to be honest and open with yourselves and each other.
Are you two in therapy for you childhood trauma?
Therapy.
I know it sounds cliche but there is a level of complexity and nuance to your situation that is well beyond anything that can be meaningfully addressed here. Especially if you want to keep the relationship.
Couple’s counseling for improving your communication and individual therapy to help you with your respective issues and to provide support to each of you so you can support each other.
Without a source of external support you can quickly develop a feedback loop of one partner supporting the other and as a result needing additional support themselves, but then only having the other partner to turn back to for that support.
Sounds similar to a relationship I was in many years ago. I was also codependent.
It was awful, and towards the end, we were both miserable. I couldn’t leave him, and eventually he left me. The breakup was awful too, but it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It made me learn to be happy on my own for the first time in my life.
Now I have very high standards for relationships. I don’t stick around with people who don’t pull their weight, people who make me doubt their commitment, people who play games or try to use me.
You can do better. It’s not an unrealistic expectation. But first, you do need to learn to find your own happiness: relying completely on someone else for your happiness will always add an uncomfortable amount of pressure to them and to the relationship, no matter who you’re with.
I’ll probably say most of what other people have already said.
I think a form of therapy for both of you with someone to guide your words/thoughts could be helpful. If you both want this relationship to work and are willing to put effort into it, then that shouldn’t be a hard thing to accept.
People wanting to change other people within a relationship is often painted as a bad thing, but my partner makes me want to be a better person and just thinking of them gives me a perspective on life I didn’t care for when I was single.
Changing for a person is good, if that change makes you a better person.
I also don’t think anyone is actually a complicated person. Obviously I don’t actually know you, but it seems to me that stamping someone as “complicated” is an easier way of saying that they have difficulty being (emotionally) vulnerable. Which is not that uncommon and takes trust and time to get over with someone. When the work is put in, this shouldn’t be a breaking point.
Finally, I think it comes down to how much work you both want to put in. This is harder to voice when your childhood wasn’t easy, and that’s okay, but that doesn’t mean you don’t know whether you want to put in the effort to be with someone or not; if you don’t know for sure, you don’t want to.
Good luck!
So, from what I understand is that, you feel Iike he’s sacrificing your relationship for his own comfort, and he refuses to budge on anything that would help fix it? I would start with refusing to go to his end of town until he’s made an effort to regularly see you on your end. And if he doesn’t want to, you can always point out how you’re always doing the leg work and point out how each train ride costs you. Don’t go to his family events until he can participate in yours.
I’d hold him to the same standard he holds you too. He refuses to grow and improve himself. So all you can do is take care of yourself. Tell him you want to improve on communication but it can’t be a one sided thing. If he refuses to put in any work, then the relationship will fail.
Some times what I’ll do is I’ll write a letter basically. I’ll make multiple drafts and get outside opinions on wording so I can clearly express myself while not attacking. The last person I did this with was a friend who was “flaky” and would ignore me while still engaging with other people (like we’d make plans, I’d call to pick her up and she’d be MIA but still find time to comment on posts). I wrote probably 4 drafts and then sent her the 5th about how I felt the friendship was doing, what I expected (if you don’t want to hangout with me, just say that. I’d rather be bailed on than ignored), and I gave her 3 days to respond to me and even she didn’t, I removed her, then she suddenly found the time to get back to me and give me what I felt like was a “sorry, not sorry” type of response that just made me stick to my choice more. I still miss her sometimes, but I spent 4 years being her friend at HER convenience and never mine. Relationships aren’t meant to be one sided.
You have your problems and are finding ways to deal with them. He doesn’t want to change or improve. You can’t force him too. I know you love him. I know you’re a bit codependent (which can feel a bit suffocating) but maybe just take a step back and focus on you and your problems. And again, hold him to the same standard he holds you too. “I’m tired of being the only one that travels, I’ve expressed that to you and your words hurt me, if you want to see me, you can come over, but until you make the time and effort to see me as much as i do for, I will not be coming over”.