I (f21) have known this guy (m24) for almost 3 years now. We were in a relationship for a while, but it was very toxic because of our unpacked childhood emotional baggage. We’ve been talking and hanging out again for about a month, almost two, since we broke up and it’s going fantastic. The emotional baggage might come up but we’ve matured enough to handle it healthily and be there for each other instead of lash out at each other in fear and unnecessary anger.
Anyway, I’m trying to gauge how much time is healthy to spend with someone you’re romantic with. We used to be very codependent. I would want to spend all my time with him because I was so attached to him and almost felt scared to spend it anywhere else. Nowadays I don’t want to spend ALL my time with him (I’ve developed a much more lovely connection to myself since we were together before and truly cherish my time alone- I just don’t always need it) but I do notice that most days I wish we could spend time together. I love talking to him and being around him.
Our work schedules don’t really align for us to spend crazy amounts of time together as it is. He works from 5AM-1:30PM every week day and I work 12:30PM-6PM. So by the time I get off, we’d only have like two hours to spend together before he needs to be getting to bed for work. His house is right on my way home from work so if we want to see each other, I’ll stop by for a couple hours and we’ll eat dinner together before I wish him goodnight and get home. Most of our quality time is reserved for weekends.
We just had dinner together yesterday, and he invited me over again today. Hanging out with him multiple days in a row makes me anxious because I’m scared of getting sucked back into codependency with him. Having a healthy connection with him has been so much more fulfilling than a codependent connection and I don’t want to lose it.
Is it normal to spend days in a row seeing the person you’re with (when you don’t live together)? I tell myself that if I’m happy and don’t feel like I’m sacrificing myself then what does it matter, but I second guess it enough to want some outside perspective.
TL;DR – I’m seeing someone that I once split up with because our relationship was toxic. After some time we’ve come back together and it’s been going so well. Clear and loving communication has truly helped us. I feel so happy with him now that we’re forming a true, healthy connection outside of the toxicity and I feel myself wanting to spend a lot of time with him, but I don’t want to follow any reminiscent codependent patterns. I’m wondering how much time is normal for a couple to spend together? We still live with our separate families but close enough so that we could see each other every day if we wanted.
1 comment
I believe I understand why you would be worried with the past history. However, you’re only seeing him for a couple of hours so I wouldn’t worry too much. If you really enjoy his company I say go for it and have fun. Afterwards if you feel you’re getting to attached, you can always take a step back for a day or two. Trust your progress with your emotional maturity and be confident in that.
As far as what’s “normal” for time spent in a relationship many times that depends on the stage you’re in. Taking it slow is never a bad idea so gage how you feel. As long as you are keeping time for yourself to maintain a healthy lifestyle the amount of time you spend with your partner is up to you. You got this.