(F21) Okay so « keep happening » means here that it has happened to me 3 times by now but that already feels like too much.
So the thing is, I do like meeting and talking to new people but as an introvert who is a bit shy, it takes me a little while to warm up to a new person and feel comfortable around them. Meaning that I can be somewhat distant and seem a little weary with some people, particularly if a person is intimidating to me.
Somehow this has not stopped this one guy from approaching me and from showing friendliness and interest. At the beginning I remained kinda distant yet polite and sometimes I was even a bit cold, which normally would have driven people away. But he still kept joking and flirting with me, texting me, inviting me out, and eventually I started to appreciate it and to take a liking to him.
I enjoyed his energy and his company, and liked when he joked around with me. And since it’s been a little while that we know each other, I started to become more and more comfortable around him. And the last time we met up to go to the christmas market together, I fully allowed my personality to shine through. Which means I talked and laughed a lot more, I was more happy and energetic, joked around, and that was actually the first time that I truly enjoyed myself.
And yet, that was also the first time that I felt that he was way less invested than usual. The evening was nice and all but he felt more distant as it went on, and at the end it even felt like he cut it short, greeted me with a « see you around » and left just like that. And even if I enjoyed myself I couldn’t help but to leave with a bad feeling. He hasn’t texted me since and I have the feeling that he won’t.
The thing is that it is the third time that it happens that a guy shows interest in me, and the moment I start getting comfortable, it’s like the interest vanishes. It kinda hurts because I feel like they prefere the façade I put up and that my personality is not likeable. I keep replaying every single interaction in my head to find out where I went wrong but I have no clue. Has this happened to someone else?
32 comments
Perhaps they’re just worn out by then. Or they prefer to play the game of chase, over the actual catch.
I wouldn’t do you dirty🤷🏾♂️
It’s difficult to know for sure if they didn’t give a reason. But if I didn’t feel engagement from the other side, I would never have even pursued a person. What they are interested in and what you’re presenting may be two different things. Maybe they wanted someone more “subdued” and when you lightened up and became the real you, they didn’t like it as much. There’s that aspect, but then there’s just conventional dating woes.
Maybe your sense of humor didn’t click or maybe you said something they found “dumb” or maybe they just have preconceived notions. Maybe they got in their own head. Maybe they still didn’t feel the right spark, even after realizing you were opening up. Maybe they felt your values or goals didn’t align (or maybe they have no values and wanted an easy score, and this was too much work).
It’s… still too many things to tell. And yes it happens to millions of people around the globe. Happens to me. Keep trying.
Are you an over thinker?
Because I think like this about every interaction I have, “did I make it awkward?”- “Am I annoying now?” and keep second guessing myself, and that has sometimes led me to distance myself from someone because I don’t want to make it more awkward when they’ve “clearly” showed “signs” that they don’t like me.
And then I talk to them as a last attempt to maybe make it “right” and realize that I didn’t really do anything and that my brain made up a whole scenario and they’re acting like usual
Not saying that you’re delusional like me, but maybe there’s more to it and you stepping away might make the other part think you’re not interested
.. or they’re after the chase of someone hard to get
Are you texting first and coming up with plans to meet up? I have friends that I love to hangout with but I don’t hangout with them so often because it’s always me that initiates the texts, decided on the thing, even gives a ride, etc. Whether dating or friendly, it’s exhausting to have to keep initiating. So my suggestions would be to text first sometimes with something concrete to do together. Make sure you’re listening to their interests to see what they would like. If they aren’t responding much to that or cancel without making an effort to reschedule, then that’s when I would move on.
Keep in mind, people can just be tired or having a rough week. I think it’s actually okay to ask more pointed questions like: “what’s on your mind?… You seem deep in thought haha” To see where they’re at. You can drop it if they say nothing, but sometimes that little nudge helps someone decide to open up to you later on. And in general it’s good to stay tuned into how the other person is. You want to make sure the conversation is balancing out so you’re still getting to know them better.
This feels like you friend zoned the guy at the end. Or there was just no balance to your last conversation. When a girl switches from pretty shy to not attall shy it’s hard to tell wtf happened
If guys keep approaching you then they probably find you pretty and want to get to know you. They probably left because they got tired of constantly putting themselves out there to try and get to know you while only getting a lukewarm response in return. It’s emotionally draining to be in that position and it’s really hard to tell if a girl is naturally standoffish or if she’s just not interested.
The fact that they left right when you began opening up is probably just a coincidence, it’s the long delay that’s the problem. People tend to interpret shyness as arrogance or disinterest. As a fellow introvert who used to take a long time to open up, I can tell you that you’ll need to get more comfortable opening up earlier if you want a better chance of forming relationships. It can be anxiety inducing, but it’s worth it in the end.
I understand your frustration, it hasn’t happened to me but I’m also really quiet and shy but once I get comfortable I will show the real me but I just want to say that a guy that doesn’t appreciate the real you does not deserve you 😊
They want what they can’t have.
If this always happens to you then you should work on your personality or be more interesting. Looks will only get you so far.
I’ve been through this as well. As someone much older than you I genuinely think that it’s part of weeding out people. Often times what we’re looking for isn’t the same as what we see in the beginning. My guess is being shy presents you as a more submissive personality. When you open up and seem more confident people looking for a weaker temperament will vanish. There are a lot of people out there not working on themselves. I’d suggest some therapeutic support to see if there are red flags you’re missing early to weed that out earlier. Once you’re more secure in that you will see if there are additional things in you to work on.
Im introverted and shy too and it takes me a while to start revealing who i am and honestly I think some guys just want a shy quiet girl because they get all the attention, the spotlight is on them.
Obviously, not all guys are like this but I have found myself many times opening up and suddenly they’re no longer as enthusiastic when i start talking about myself or who i am.
Frankly, and I know this is a bold move which is very intimidating but you could always just ask them what went wrong. Like “ hey i had a great time the last time we hung out and felt myself opening up to you which was very exciting to me but I felt like you maybe pulled back a little bit I was just wondering if something was going on. I am interested in still getting to know you but if you don’t feel the same way I understand.”
You’ll definitely get the answer your looking for but you might have to face the rejection that might come with it.
If someone gets interested in the “facade” you put on, it’s likely because that’s the kind of person they’re attracted to, when you then change it just might not be what that person is into. Let’s say you’re very into quiet and calm guys and then when getting to know someone you thought was the quiet and calm type it turns out they’re very loud and rushy, maybe you’d realise that it’s not gonna work out for you either. Just the part where you said “they like the facade I put up and that my personality is not likeable”, it probably IS likeable, if you give people the opportunity to see it you’ll eventually find someone who likes it, I know it’s not that easy, but instead of being like “hey this Color is yellow SIKE it’s orange” maybe you can earlier on let them know that “hey this Color looks yellow but it really is a bit more orange”. Idk if it makes sense, I’m trying. I hope you get what I mean!
Maybe you should make more of an attempt to show your real personality to them sooner instead of only showing them a facade. If they are all of a sudden seeing a completely different person than they are used to after a considerable period of time and after considerable interaction/interest a complete change after they’ve put in some effort/work might be considered confusing or possibly a 🚩. I understand it’s hard for introverts because I tend to lean that way but most people tend to run if they see a completely different personality after they feel like they know someone one pretty well regardless of the nature of the relationship.
The problem isn’t that your getting comfortable. The problem is that WHEN you get comfortable, you may not listen as much because your may be so keen on showing that you’re an interesting person. You tell your likes, dislikes, stories, and insecurities because you’ve held it in for so long. Consequently, this makes you talk more instead of listening. As a result, the guys are turned off/unseduced by this explosion of information. They see that what seemed like a confident person may not be so confident after all. They see that their fantasy of what they had of you was different.
So, WHEN you’re comfortable consider concentrating on listening and asking more follow up questions rather than talking about yourself.
You can talk about yourself, but try to make it ONLY when they ask your opinion on something or when they ask you a question specifically about yourself.
To be honest, it sounds like you know the answer. You even eluded to it in your last sentence.
Some men get worn out and eventually just drop the intrest lol its nobody’s fault but it’ll continue happening but don’t worry you’ll eventually find somone whose fit for you and who sees you for more than just a catch.
Maybe they preferred your shy personality
I can think of 4 reasons but I have no evidence for any of them.
1. You’ve got baggage. Probably some unresolved unhealthy trauma lingering from your past so you think some weird stuff is okay but it’s weird and off-putting. Weird is actually great but not all weirds are compatible.
2. It’s not you. It’s them. When somebody mistreats another person, it usually never had to do with the other person. They just wanted to lash out/communicate poorly.
3. You’re annoying. Simple as that. When you’re aloof, you don’t say much but once they get to know you, then they get worn out.
4. They’re assholes. I don’t know if you *boinked* but it could be a douchey use-abuse-lose situation.
Don’t overthink it. He might be having some personal problems or issues. Better ask him upfront about it like, “Hey I noticed you were down that day, is everything fine?”. He tried fairly hard and well to establish a relationship with you as a friend, As you said you were cold and distant at times (this never comes off as attractive to a person who wants a shy , introvert girl to control as some of the people are implying). If he is really not interested in you, then it’s good you guys are not compatible to begin with and you know it now rather than knowing that after romantically invested in each other. What I would suggest is better being a bit vocal about your likes and dislikes, political, religious, world views in a conversation with the other person if you seem to be interested in them so that you attract the right person.
I think you’d personality may very well be likeable. But it’s not the person they have met and got to like. They’re men who like quiet, distanced people and you stop being that.
This reminds me of every single “relationship” I was in during my teens and 20s, where I seemed to attract people because I was so shy that they didn’t really know me, so they projected who they thought I was onto me. And then when I finally got comfortable they’d dump me. It hurts! And made me more withdrawn. All that I can say is that I eventually DID stop being so shy in my mid-20s, and I found that while more men preferred the shy me initially, I got higher quality men who liked me for later when I was able to be more confident and comfortable just being my obnoxious goofy self. Oh well, so I missed out on a bunch of guys being initially into me and then dumping me. Oh boy!
I as a single male think you should not blame yourself for anything that you did. Some people are just not your type.. if that makes sense. I am an Ambivert but I tend to act the same or similar ways you described as an Introvert..and some women just can’t take a joke. Just like the 3 guys could not take a joke or relax and be normal. It’s all a learning lesson not a fail or issue on your part. Good luck in the future and don’t worry about these minor things.
as an introvert i can realte. I think you the problem you have is having 2 different characters, one for the people you feel comfortable and one for being protective for the people you dont know much about yet or not at all. People gonna make the decision to date you based on the character you show them, you basically have to get lucky and hope someone likes both of your characters OR you start to let the overprotective character go and just be who you feel comfortable as being.
“… and that was actually the first time that I truly enjoyed myself.” this is where you should be most of the time, not necessarily having a good time, but being just yourself.
I’m also a shy introverted guy, my theory is that you failed to initiate things even after you have warmed up with him. Maybe the guy knew you are an introvert and kept working on opening you up hoping you’d reciprocate (initiate meet ups, plan outings etc), but you didn’t, I’m assuming.
Like if a girl I’m interested in does not show interest in me after a while, then I’d guess she probably just wants to be friends and nothing more.
I M22 see myself a lot in the shoes of this guy. Theres this girl thats more or less acting like you and tbh I have a really hard time socializing but I pretend to be energetic etc but its really hard for me. And then of course if u always try and the other person wont show any reaction like inviting you back for meeting or maybe initiating conversations etc then you end up feeling like you are forcing yourself onto that girl. And I had the feeling of “well she doesnt like me, its better if I just leave her alone” so many times because of that.
So maybe hes just tired of putting up all the energy. Maybe you need to compliment him back sometime. Just a simple thing like “it was really nice meeting you” or so can give so much energy back. The girl I like said “see you on monday” last week and that pushed me a lot for example. But in total yeah guys also have feelings and insecurities and also limited energy.
I hope this provides some perspective that helps
There is nothing “wrong” per se with you and there are no “issues” here. It is hard to say for sure without knowing you and the other person well. But different people behave differently. Don’t take it personally. You don’t need to change anything about you. Be yourself, be genuine, be AUTHENTIC, and let the relationship develop naturally. I dislike people who play mind games. I personally totally understand people who are initially distant or cold during our first days of communication. I have dealt with many, some of whom are now actually my best friends. I actually find it a turn-on if such distant and closed people later open up to me, cause it feels like something special. It’s like you came across a person who now genuinely likes you and feels comfortable enough to open up to you. Why should I be driven away from this person? On the contrary I feel like we just established something meaningful
I’ve had the same experiences all my life with friends and dates and I’ve never been able to fully explain it. I can only assume that once they get to know the real me, I’m not very likeable. I’ve pretty much given up and just do my own thing. It’s easier that way.
My guess is that they liked the “shy quiet reserved you”
When you finally feel safe enough to show your true self, talkative, bubbly, they didn’t like that.
Just a wild guess. But it is the nature of dating.
Advertising apples but it’s actually oranges.
Text him and ask him out again. Maybe you made it up in your head and he just thinks everything’s good.
Personally as a introvert, I find it difficult to hold conversations sometimes. Like I might say something and it’s not what i I meant. Did you say anything like a joke that maybe didnt go well