My bf and I met online, and our 2-month-long talking stage consisted of us texting throughout the day consistently and mostly during the night too. He was funny, smart, but most importantly affectionate, constantly complimenting me and being extremely kind and sweet over text, which made him an ideal potential partner for me since my love language is words of affirmation. However, a month into dating, I realized that changed and he went from being extremely affectionate and engaging to becoming not only incredibly dry but not even bothering to reciprocate when I was affectionate, and sometimes he’d come off as extremely harsh to the point where I won’t even feel like his romantic partner but an acquaintance.
At first, the change was so drastic that I thought of the worst possible scenario and when I confronted him about it, he seemed genuinely surprised that anything was wrong. After having a conversation, he explained that the effort he put in initially was because we met online, and now that we get to see each other once a week, he doesn’t think texting is as important. He also shared that he doesn’t have the time or energy to text since he’s a lot more occupied now than we first met (during the summer holidays) and since he has college and gym along with running his own business, texting can be extremely draining.
The conversation helped me feel better, but now that we’re three months into dating, it seems like nothing has changed, instead, he’s becoming increasingly less affectionate over text, to the point where I find it better to not talk to him at all due to how badly it impacts my confidence in our relationship. I find myself overthinking to the point of convincing myself that he’s not into me anymore, or that he might be interested in other people, which is really badly impacting my mental health.
I’ve shared that words of affirmation are my love language, and he promises he’ll try to be better but I never really see a change. I understand that it might be annoying to bring it up again and again since we’ve had this same conversation multiple times, what’s a good way to not fixate on his lack of affection as much? Would it be better to cut down on texting entirely and find another way to communicate with him on days we don’t see each other?
TLDR: Bf who was once great at texting doesn’t care anymore and it hurts me, what’s a good way to avoid overthinking and still stay in touch with him?
5 comments
as someone who has dealt with this from a spouse, it does not get better over time.
Sigh, this is literally my situation with my girlfriend. She was a dry texter even before we started dating which made me think she didn’t like me. She told me she’s a bad texter and I tried to get used to that but I haven’t, I just feel insecure.
Once we started dating our texting still felt forced but she was at least affectionate. Not always but when she was it was strong. She said some very beautiful things about me. The affectionate slowly dried up over the months
Then in September we met up and had a lovely time for weeks. It felt like a dream.
And now I’m back home? She’s incredibly lacking in affection again. I try to call her sweetheart and say I love her consistently, while I’m lucky if I get a cute petname or an I love you once a week. Sometimes I won’t hear from her all day unless I message first. On call two nights ago she said she loved me unprompted, yet the daily texting situation tells me otherwise.
I’m not sure how to advise you what to do. At least you approached your partner about this unlike me. But all I can say is I understand. I am trying to change my mentality and believe it’s “just texts” but the lack of affection from a partner does have a personal sting.
I don’t know how long are you both together, but I guess that’s something that happens sometimes. I was with this girl for 3 years that wasn’t so much into texting like I did, even though we began our relationship by texting a lot.
I guess there’s a lot of reasons, in my case, she was more busy then she used to be before. And since we were together for a time, maybe she started to only feel the need to be physically instead of being “online” with me. And she had a few less friends, so this was one more reason to not be chatting anymore.
But I got you, I really enjoy texting the people that I’m together with. I really get excited whenever I see a notification from my whatsapp (despite groups).
He’s already told you he’s not a texter. If you miss him in-between the times you see each other, can you talk in other ways, like phone calls or FaceTime? Ask him what he’d prefer. If he simply does not want to interact more than once a week, and you need more contact than that, then it may be time to move on — you date to learn whether you’re compatible with another person, and sometimes the answer is that you’re not.
I don’t know about the rest of you but I prefer to sweet talk my woman in person rather than through text. It could be that he just isn’t good at expressing affection through text and thats ok.
Every person has their own way of expressing love. It is healthy to understand that just because our partner isn’t showing us affection in the way that we imagine doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to show affection in other ways.
There could be things going on in his life. He could be more busy with work/school. It could be that his initial spark for the relationship has dimmed down but he still loves you. Endless possibilities. Best way to clear up any confusion is to keep being transparent about your feelings.