Tldr; I had my son when I was young and I never knew who his father was and he’s calling me a w**** for admitting that. My own son.
He’s deeply into awful sexist things and he’s being horrible to me and calling me all sorts now just because I never knew who his father was. He does this while having a string of girlfriends and partys it’s a wonder he isn’t a dad yet I try to talk to and explain to him but he’s getting out of hand and calling me all sorts.
He is setting his brothers and sister against me too and is horrible to my husband saying stuff like “you aren’t my dad” to him on the daily. And even judges him for marrying me saying that I cheat on him and all sorts.
I don’t know what to do or how to just stop all this hate. He looks at me with such hate in his eyes and all I’ve ever done is try my hardest with him but that’s just never enough for him.
48 comments
If he’s 18… You aren’t legally obligated to do anything for his misogynistic butt
Give him some tough love. Act assertive but kind, ask him why he thinks these things and maybe check his social media accounts. If that doesn’t work, he is eighteen and legally you can kick him out. Don’t let him push or your husband around.
What does the step dad say on the matter?
Stop housing him. This “w****” has money. Now this bum-ass has none. He doesn’t need “w**** money” since he probably believes men should be out working. Go work-go find another home. You can tell him exactly that. If he can’t learn to respect you can’t expect respect back.
You need to address the elephant in the room. You do not know who his dad is. This is very traumatic for any child and this is why he is calling you a W.
Your husband should have beat his ass and both of you should’ve kicked him out and then told him don’t disrespect the hand that feeds you. He’s going to learn today. You can’t treat him with kid gloves anymore. He’s a legal adult.
I love all these people saying to kick him out, while we’re in a recession, because he’s 18 and technically an adult. Yet if they see an 18 year old girl dating a 22 year old they will say she’s being manipulated and her brain isn’t fully developed yet so she can’t make those kinds of choices. What you need to do is take him to family therapy where he can let out his frustrations in a neutral environment, I’m sure it’s hard to grow up not knowing who your father is and while he is in the wrong for calling you that name, you are at fault for making poor decisions to the point where you don’t even know who impregnated you.
He’s 18. He can gtfo.
Is he watching Fresh and Fit podcast?
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Info: When did this all start? And what was your relationship like before? If you guys had a good relationship then I’m really finding it difficult to see the switch up, it just doesn’t make sense. Also what was his relationship with your husband before he found out you didn’t know his dad?
Truth hurts
First thing first: in order to save your relationship with him in the long run you may need to kick him out in the near future.
You cannot allow one person to destroy your family because you feel bad that he doesn’t have a father.
You have multiple issues going on here.
1. He’s a teen. He’s working on separating his identity from yours. Like many young people, he’s doing it in a very chaotic and unpleasant way.
2. Your husband and yourself need to change your responses. When he gets tears from you or anger from your husband, he’s getting exactly what he wants. So stop. Be boring as hell. Firm, consistent, and boring. Don’t feed into his drama at all. Same for the other children.
3. There is a sense of loss growing up without a parent. His sadness is legitimate, his behavior is not. So acknowledge and validate the loss while rejecting the bad behavior. Learning to do this took power struggles with my teenagers, even my angry one, to zero. I found it almost magic how effective it was to say something along the lines of: “Son, I understand that you are angry about XYZ. I can appreciate that. And you’re right. I made some choices that hurt you/screwed up as a parent in many ways. So you’re right on that. But even though you’re right, it is unacceptable to express yourself the way you did and I’m not going to sit here and be called names. I’d love to talk through this with you, but you will need to let me know when you’re ready to have an actual discussion and not just fling insults.”
4. Your husband needs to step off. For his own safety and legal liability. No more physical fighting. No more yelling. Be boring and walk away. If your son gets violent, you call the police and allow them to hold him accountable. Don’t bail him out. Sympathize but let him experience the consequences of actions like that. The more you try to protect him from his own behavior the worse it will be for him down the road.
This is all difficult and painful. There are no guarantees. But it’s worth trying a way that’s different from what you’ve been doing, yes?
If he absolutely will not change his behavior then you need to look out for the well-being of the other children and send him on his way.
I’ve read the comments and I think the only thing that could help here is time. Being a problematic child myself, I can imagine how his brain is working atm. Without being insensitive, the bottom line is he blames you for not having a father. Perhaps a paternity test and then extra effort to try to find his father would be a good idea, once the underlying issue is resolved the behaviour should resolve as-well. Although I will say, the fact that he resorts to insulting you without properly articulating his wants and needs demonstrates a lack of communication skills in my opinion.
It is simple, he is 18 so kick his disrespectful ass out of the house. He wants to treat you and your husband this way then he can get out, and fend for himself.
You took care of him for 18 years, he can legally do so now
You need to do it for yourself, your husband, and your other two kids. Because they do not be a party to that, and as long as you allow your son to do this, they will think it is ok to do it too.
Show them that they can not disrespect you without consequences.
Also cut contact with him. As long as he is acting this way, you don’t need to have contact with him.
You have no backbone and obviously will never do anything genuinely impactful for him because you’re too scared of him being “uncomfortable”
Hurt he doesn’t know who his father is, unless u can fix that I wouldn’t expect much to change.
He’s gonna regret everything real bad later in life
He should not be verbally abusing you, absolutely not. But I can see why he’s upset. If my mother told me she was sleeping around so much around the time of my conception she had no clue which man impregnated her, I’d be pretty darn upset. And I’m 41!
You can’t change him now. All you can do is get therapy for yourself so you can learn how to react because what you are doing is just making it worse. You don’t say how old your other children are or how long you’ve been married to your husband, but you need to prioritize them. If your son is going to college, that will help, but until he leaves, you have to get help for yourself and the rest of your family. Ignore his outbursts. Upsetting you is his goal and reward. He might even go no contact with you when he leaves home, and that might be what he needs to process his feelings. He’s still a teenager doing teenage things. When you ignore a 2 year old’s tantrums, they get bored and stop. Ignoring him and getting therapy for yourself will show him he doesn’t have the control he craves. It is very hard because you love him, but since he won’t get help himself, there is nothing you can do for him, only for yourself and the rest of your family.
He’s young, identity Is important specially at that age, he feels rage for not knowing who His father Is, he might be out there not knowing he has a son, His feelings are justified, but His actions are not, he doesn’t know how to control and handle anger and rage and any feelings for that matter, a healthy father figure Will teach His kids how to control emotions, tame them and channel them
Go no-contact til he grows up. That’s abuse. Imagine if it was your spouse or your parent saying those things to you, it would be abuse right? And in front of your children? You’d divorce a husband for that I hope. So divorce your grown son, he’s obviously not an adult but seems to think he’s grown enough to treat his mother like that he can leave then. Whether or not this is the full stroy remains to be seen, I find it hard to believe that a person with a healthy upbringing who’s parent did at least an adequate job of child rearing would end up treating their parent with quite extreme behaviour but regardless, no-contact will do you both good.
Kick him out. He’s 18. He can figure it out. He’s an adult, not a little boy.
Did he have unfiltered internet access as a child/adolescent?
Have you suggested doing an ancestry dna test? It may provide links to finding paternal family members or possibly even his dad?
It may not be the best idea but something for you to think about.
He needs to leave. Doesn’t mind living off you, but thinks he can spew bs too. Nah.
Tell him straight, if he says one more insult, he better hit Google and find out who is dad is and go live with him, because he won’t be staying in your house, eating your food and using your amenities.
Find the number and the address of the councils homeless team. Write an honest letter saying why you refuse to have him in your house any longer, with examples.
Pack him a rucksack with a bivvy bag, sleeping bag, thermals, and I change of clothes and shoes. Toothpaste and a tooth brush, and send him packing the next time he does it.
It will hurt like hell. It will eat you up, but you are not here to be verbally and emotionally abused.
I find it crazy how many people are saying to kick him out etc.. not realising he is your fucking son and you love him. You can’t just do that. One of the reasons why I hate this subreddit so much, they just go for destruction as a response to absolutely anything. So many people here would make horrible parents.
OP, he clearly doesn’t see your husband as a step father even. He’s a young boy who is missing his father. He’s blaming whatever he can because that’s the way he’s trying to deal with his own sadness and abandonment. I assume you haven’t been with your husband for 18 years? How long has he been without a male role model in the house? A young boy without a male authority / father figure in their life will grow to hate his situation and wish he had a father to love. It’s a sad part of single parenting. Every child needs a mother and a father and when one of them is missing it can be really hard on a child. Anyone who says a child will be unbothered being raised by a single parent really knows nothing about children. He’s still very young and he will need time, of course with enough time he will grow to love and appreciate what you done for him. How much time? It may be after your death he will realise it and become hateful towards himself for how it took so long. You never really know. All I know is that child needs some time to grow as a person. It may be next year. It may take 10 years. But he will mature as a person and realise that sometimes life just fucking sucks and we have to play the cards we are dealt in life. It’s easy to blame you, thinking that you should’ve chosen a better life partner to have a baby with – because the father isn’t there to blame. It’s a shitty situation and my heart breaks for you and your son, but the answer to a heart broken son is and will always be a simple answer – lots of love.
Oh and by the way, tough love won’t work. It will push him further away from you. The pain he feels is much deeper than any disciplinary action can handle. You’re best off sitting him down and saying you understand he wishes he had a father and you wish he did too and you love him.
So you can’t take his phone (he “pushes” you and takes it back), he won’t talk to you, he’s abusing you and your husband, he’s teaching your other kids to act like this, he refuses counselling, and you refuse to kick him out.
If he continues to be around your other children, they’re going to end up like him. You’re going to suffer through it all, pay for his education, get him to be independent in a few years where he’ll probably leave, and you’ll be stuck in a broken house, probably with a failing marriage after all the stress.
I get that you’re desperate, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
That’s kind of harsh.
You have to understand how he felt tho,because he probably thinks you had sex with so many men you dont know which one is the father.so im not sure what you meant when u say u dont know who the father is,do you mean you dont know his name?you know like a one night stand and he dissapears or you had so many in you,you just dont know which one could be the potential father?i guess the only thing you can do is to make him understand that people make mistakes,that he shouldnt judge you for your past.have you ever been neglectful to him?im noy trying to judge you,im just saying whatever your past is,you have done the absolute best to give him a good life and you need him to know that.
Maybe try the r/exredpill subreddit? Look up how to deprogram red pill/misogynists to at least figure out how to talk to him about things.
But realize that if he’s a bad influence on your minor children they should be your first priority. You don’t want them believing it’s okay to be hateful and misogynistic.
Should be kicked out
Kick him out of the house. What a little prick.
When you say that you never knew who his father was, can you explain a bit more? Were you the victim of SA and person was never caught/identified? Have you explained to your son the exact circumstances so that he understands why you don’t know who his father is?
I’m so sorry, I have no idea what this word is 🙁
“Just because” you never knew?? Did you ever think that he quite possibly is embarrassed by the situation?
“…just because I never knew who his father was.”
First off, don’t downplay his feelings about this. Knowing who his father must be deeply important to him, and he’s had to build an identity without one. Approach him from a place of understanding and compassion.
Next, you raised him from a child to a man. Where did he learn this behavior? As his parent, you bare much responsibility for what he has become at this age. Own that.
If you want to repair the relationship, consider counciling. Be open about your mistakes, and be open about your hopes and aspirations for him, instead of blaming him.
You ever think this may also be a genetic/mental issue from the man you got pregnant from?
How long has he been like this?
Damn my momma would’ve stopped me from existing if I said this shit
I mean… if the shoe fits. You denied him a father and surprised he is pissed. Most shooters are from fatherless families. Also criminals and drug users. You’ve ruined this poor kids life before it even began and are surprised when he doesn’t get on his knees and worships you. The absolute AUDACITY.
He wants his dad
Yeah you kick his adult ass out of the house so he can make his own way. Before he poisons the children that have some hope left for their futures.
You can’t/probably won’t actually kick him out.
Here’s what you can do.
1. Tell him if he can’t be civil, you won’t consider him as family. Tell him this will only stop if he approaches to you have a calm conversation about how he feels about not knowing his dad without any insults, and if he starts therapy.
2. Stop paying for anything other than food. Don’t pay for the phone, if you’ve given him a car or a laptop or gaming stuff take it from him.
3. As much as you can, restrict his internet access. Sounds like that’s where he’s picking this up from.
4. Stop doing anything for him. If you’re cooking, doing his laundry, dropping him off anywhere, stop.
5. Stop talking to him. You and your husband. Don’t respond no matter how much he provokes you.
6. Talk to your other kids. Tell them he’s sick mentally and needs to see a doctor (therapist). Until he does it, he will be mean, say awful things and be unpleasant. Tell them it’s dangerous and you’re trying to convince him to go and they shouldn’t take him seriously or listen until he does because he doesn’t know that what he’s saying is all wrong. (If they’re older you may have to be more direct.)
7. If he has ANY male mentors ask them to talk to him. Uncles, teachers, grandparents, anyone he respects. If someone he looks up to tells him they’ve lost respect for him, that might work.
8. Put college on hold. Don’t co sign any loans, don’t give him any money for it. Don’t help him at all. Tell him he can go to college once he gets therapy. It’s okay for him to start late. It’s not okay for him to continue down this path of misogyny and aggression. He may get a job and move out, and you need to accept that possibility.
You need to kick him out if none of this works. But try this first.
If he lives with you kick his ass out to the streets!
He’s 18 time to kick his disrespectful ass out the door
Kick him out.
The end.
He’s 18. Time to have him make his own way…..outside of your house and support. He’ll most likely return whenever he grows up. I’m so sorry.
hes 18 ..kick him out dont stand that disrespect