All my life I have been a shy person. I am not sure why. Maybe it started when I was little because I remember walking down to the playground without a care in the world and I asked to play tetherball with some kids. They laughed and said no, and then let me play. We really were not playing tether ball. All it was was them hitting the ball at me as hard as they could, knocking me over, laughing. Anyways. After that point I guess I was nervous around kids at playgrounds, but not in school. But my teachers would still label me as quiet on my report card. It always bothered me a bit. And in middle school, well, it’s a long story but I got reunited with my friends who are not the sporty type, and that along with covid, never being pushed by parents to play sports, social anxiety when I didn’t even know it, caused me not to play sports and me and my friends became the losers. Picked on because I had an anime phase for a tiny bit in sixth grade, it wasn’t even anything sever. I had assumed better of the kids, I was not ready for how shitty middle school was. Anyway, now I’m in 9th grade in a different school. Had to move (again, this is like the 10th time) and god I suck at this. I’m not even putting myself down I’m just being honest, I really struggle with making new friends right now and my social anxiety has gotten really bad. Even when I saw family for thanksgiving, if I hadn’t seen them in a while I found myself feeling like I was at school. It sucked but I have a loving family and seeing them made me feel better because I know there will always be them who love me. But basically I am not a quiet person. I consider me, my actual self, to be super bold and outgoing. Anytime my friends wanna hang out I am down. Anytime family is nearby I’m the one telling my mom we should go. I really don’t think I’m introverted, and I’m just at least not “quiet”. That’s why it always bothered me when I was labeled as, “quiet” by my teachers. But it didn’t bother me too much because they were my teachers, not my peers. And I figured it just meant I wasn’t a trouble maker which was true. I was starting to let myself give up on becoming the charismatic, well know, and respected person in my new school that I was striving to be. The very thing I had always wanted to achieve deep down, literally my entire life. Coming to this school I wanted to make friends with EVERYONE. I just wanted respect from everyone, and I wanted to give respect to everyone too. But it’s not happening, and it’s like half way through quarter two. I don’t have any friends and as I felt it fucking me up mentally I just wanted to give up on it. Just accept that I am not making any friends, put my head down, and work. But today in a robotics class everyone finished their projects so we were all trying to find stuff to do. Everyone was busy so me and this other quiet kid asked the teacher what we could do. He told us that we could relocate this big 3d printer to another counter. Problem was, he kinda made it sound like quite the task. He said it was pretty heavy but what made it hard to carry was it’s size and shape so it was a two man job. I wasn’t really nervous until I told him it was five thousand dollars and me, who have some of my own 3d printers and resin 3d printers thought to myself what a waste of money. I have seen the prints that have come off that 5000 dollar printer. They look exactly like what my 200 dollar one could do. If that printers 5000 dollars then one that could print with no layer lines visible (which I don’t think can be done with a FDM printer) would have to be like a billion dollars. Anyways somehow all the other kids in the class, them all being bold or loud people or just people who are not “quiet” caught wind of it basically immediately. Before I knew it they had finished their jobs and were crowding around the printer saying, “Oh let me and \_\_\_\_ handle it.” The Junior said it first I think. I liked him too. He had been kind to me. I still respect him and like him but I did lose some respect. Like always, I just didn’t know what to say. Part of me wanted to let them take it because it was five fucking thousand dollars and I did not want to break it but the other part of me was screaming inside. Like always. I like to use imagery in my head to help me understand how I am feeling. I picture my social anxiety as me being in a bubble, or an egg. Everyday I am constantly fucking pounding on it from the inside trying to crack it, trying to break through. And it’s not like I don’t go out of my comfort zone. I do much much more than I used to, but with social situations sometimes there is a barrier. So there I was screaming from the inside of my shell, but all they see is a shell. Dull. Nothing there, not interesting and therefore they are not interested in being my friend. Personally, I think it’s wrong. It’s like when you have a guest over. You shouldn’t expect them to make your dinner for you. Why have I been putting in all the work trying to meet these people. If any of them had met me in the middle, because that’s as far as I have been able to go, then I think things would be different. But anyways my teacher is more of a G than I thought. He said why are you all crowding around it when I gave the job to these two people who aren’t even helping. They all responded “They are quiet”. “They didn’t speak up” I said yeah I am quiet and it’s a problem I am trying to….. and my voice trailed off because no one bat an eye. They all just talked over me. And then they started DEBATING the teacher. “You picked \_\_\_\_ and \_\_\_\_ and not me and \_\_\_\_?!?!?! To lift that thing?!!?” Laughing like it was sooooo stupid. My teacher shut them up and said I picked two people I trust. Anyways just so we didn’t have to pay thousands of dollars we wheeled it over on a chair. But god was it light. I mean what the fuck man. We could have ran a 5k while still holding that shit. And these people don’t know me at all. This summer I started going to the gym and I had to stop because of circumstances placed on me like always. I haven’t been able to go since like august because my dad is finishing building a house and he gets home when I go to sleep. My stepmom doesn’t have time to take me either so yeah your not seeing me at the gym right not but you just fucking wait buddy. I am not fucking going through this shit again. No, after hearing them say all that shit today it fucking set me off. I need to hold on to this anger and use it because it really helped me feel motivated but the rest of the day I failed to put myself out there more than I ever had. I didn’t really put myself out there at all. There’s this one kid in one of my classes who is the closest I have to a friend. He actually bothered to look at the egg, look just for a second and see that I am inside. But there is still a bridge between us I feel. But yeah I just can’t fucking be the quiet one again especially since this time I will have ZERO friends since I am new to the school. So I am asking for any advice that could help me to stop from biting my tongue. When I want to jump in a conversation (any given moment of any day at school, like I said I don’t consider myself introverted. I love talking to people so much) I will feel like I don’t know what to say, I will feel simply scared, I will start to think of past experiences at my middle school, my heart my pick up a bit, and today I started to just really zone out. It felt almost surreal. It was at lunch when I literally walked around the building all day because the kids I am trying to become friends with table was full. I just was like what the fuck is happening, how is this happening to me again and why is this happening to me again. Anyways, if you read this far thank you so much, you’ve already done more than any kid at my new school! Fuck, man!