So me and my gf have been together for just under a year now, and we seem to be in the same cycle of arguing/her shutting down every week and it’s really starting to affect my mental health.
The other week she noticed something was wrong, and after she asked me I mentioned something I was insecure about, and granted she has had to reassure me before – she told me I didn’t need to worry, but then immediately shut down and became withdrawn.
I have anxious attachment issues (in therapy for, asking for help etc and it’s going well), so when she shuts down (sometimes without telling me) I go into panic mode to try to figure out what’s wrong.
In this particular instance it hurt even more because she made me feel like I could talk to her about my worry, only for her to end up shutting me out.
I’m not sure how to break this cycle, and I don’t want us to break up because apart from this we work so well together. But when she shuts down she is incredibly cold and very defensive – it’s gotten to the point where I’m breaking down in tears and she is indifferent to it. But then the next day we just carry on as normal and her affection resumes etc.. it’s just not good for me
Any help or insight would be great, I feel very alone and confused right now and I’m worried I’m not making the best choice for my mental health. I love her to bits and could honestly see myself spending my life with her but i know how unhealthy these moments are.
TL;DR! Frequent shut downs from gf affecting my mental health, want to know what to do or hear similar stories
6 comments
>I have anxious attachment issues
Have you tried daily meditation (blanking your mind — it’s not merely ‘ruminating’ about thoughts that pop up) for 20-30 minutes a day for at least several days? I found it very helpful for my own anxiety.
So you work well together except for the part where you argue and can’t communicate every single week. Oh and you are not even a year in.
Your gut is telling you that this relationship is not healthy, yes you have issues that you are working on but without her also recognizing and working on HER issues, this relationship won’t last.
Your relationship and your partner should add positively to your life, not make you feel sad,stressed and alone. If you can’t talk to her about this and don’t see her working towards changing, just end it now before you deteriorate further.
The best response to distance is no response. Unfortunately you’re teaching her is okay to treat you like this.
People are so quick to say “LEAVE”
This was my husband and I about less than a year into our relationship, too. We got couples counseling because we started living together and after Covid it got worse. It helped so much and both of us have changed so much since then. We’re happily married now and it’s all because of one great couples counselor.
If both of you are willing to work through your communication issues, there’s no reason to pull the plug. If it doesn’t work, then move on. You tried everything
Watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix. He’s a comedian with a funny and insightful take on relationships. It sounds like you need both the laugh and the advice.
Sounds miserable – end it. It’s only been a year.