Hi Everyone,
I (25M) met my now ex (20M) about a month before I was moving to a different city and he was to go back to college. We hit it off really well but when our time to leave that home city came, we had to prematurely define our relationship.
This wasn’t my first relationship or hookup by any means, but it was his. And all I can say is that in the short month that we got to know each other, I was dead-set sure that he is everything I wanted in a partner and was (and still is) the strongest romantic spark I’ve had. While we couldn’t yet commit to being boyfriends, we agreed to commit to “seriously continuing to date each other” and did define sexual exclusivity. We were a 3-hour drive apart in the new cities.
A few weeks went by, and he visited me in my new city for a weekend. The discussion came up of “what are we?” and decided that we were ready to be boyfriends. We saw each other about every other weekend, went through the milestone “I love you,” but admittedly, were only with the boyfriend label for another month before things started going south.
I decided to break up with him because it felt like I was trying a lot harder in the LDR than he was. I was the one asking to make plans, asking to video call, initiating texts, and doing the driving when it was time to meet. I was met with uncertainties about future schedules, sometimes postponing of calls, and overall just feeling like I wasn’t prioritized.
While I didn’t do this to emotionally manipulate him, I did really hope that when I expressed to him I felt like we need to break up, that he felt more compelled to save our relationship and address my needs better than he did. I had mentioned to him several times before I brought up the break up conversation what my needs were and felt like there wasn’t enough effort to address those needs.
But of course, I still loved and honestly still love this guy. I really really wanted things to work out between us, and I even initiated a conversation another month after our breakup expressing that I wished things worked out differently and that we talked more. We did, but ultimately – he decided he wasn’t ready for the commitment an LDR took while juggling his college life. The closure I needed was that he told me it wasn’t that I wasn’t “worth” it. It was just that he wasn’t able or didn’t yet want to give up what I needed for our relationship to work out.
Where I’m at is that I was really angry and frustrated by everything, but I’ve accepted that it’s been easier for me to move on by forgiving him rather than holding a grudge. We’ve been talking on a friendly and flirty way since the closure.
My ultimate question is that while I won’t wait for him by not seeing other people, is it wrong or silly of me to hope that one day he’ll come around and want to try dating seriously again? I know giving him space is best for now, but is it foolish to hope deep down we can rekindle later?
TL;DR – I broke up with my younger/less mature boyfriend and tried to rekindle/get back together a month later. He confirmed he wasn’t yet ready to commit to a relationship while in college. Is it foolish to hope things change down the road?
2 comments
> The closure I needed was that he told me it wasn’t that I wasn’t “worth” it.
That would be a permanent no from me. You could still be friends but I think for your dignity I would say he shat the bed there.
Long distance relationships are really tough and it’s not surprising that things went south like this. The guy is 20 years old, he’s balancing a lot right now and not looking for a 3 hour weekly drive. You guys didn’t know each other that long, it seems a bit silly to jump into a LDR. Your 20s are the best time in life to experiment and see what’s out there. I’d encourage both of you guys to explore other people.
There’s nothing wrong with hoping that he wants to commit one day, but ask yourself when that would be. It’s unlikely he’s going to want to do LDR, so you gotta wait till he’s out of college. Then you have to hope he can find a job in your city. Idk man it’s just a lot to hope for and it feels like you could find someone to meet your needs in your new city.