I’m 28f currently with 28m for 7 years, we have 3 children together one from a previous relationship. We are complex cases. This is my first of many relationships that is non abusive. This is his first serious relationship. We are both autistic but he is undiagnosed. Things haven’t been great over a year but he continues to say things come back over time and they did a little bit, we still love each other and care about each other we are like best friends and house mates. He has always struggled with romance, he has never been able to verbalise it so he could never call me beautiful or anything like that and I was OK with it. The highest compliment he can give it you look ‘ok’. And for some reason I’m suddenly not OK with it. I’m craving romance and to feel beautiful. I’m remembering those times I could walk in a room and be checked out. I’m desperate to feel the buzz of someone wanting me to find me attractive and feel loved, like affectionate and wanting more than iust an occasional pat on the shoulder. My partner can’t do that, we’ve talked about many times and I’m not disloyal bit I can’t keep squishing this down and I don’t know what to do. I’m even considering surgery right now just to try to make myself more attractive. I just need more than an ok and I don’t like that feeling because I can’t have that here and I can’t justify breaking up my family for it. How do I change it?
Tl/Dr- partner can’t be romantic and I’m craving it, need to readjust myself back to how used to be and don’t know how
3 comments
DO NOT GET SURGERY.
This isn’t about you at all. This is about your boyfriend and his inability/refusal to give you something that it is so simple and necessary that you are now personalizing it to an unhealthy degree–this is not about you and you are not the problem. Why do you have to change when HE is the one who isn’t able to give you what you need?
Things tend to get a little to comfortable after several years together and a few kids. You don’t need to change anything about yourself so don’t even think about surgery. You said he always struggled with romance; maybe he needs more direction. Tell him what you want to hear or do. Even do it as a “ date night” thing. You give the instructions for him to follow. Also, look for the little things that shows he cares. Some men just don’t know what we need as far as romance and might not ever.
You should not try and change yourself physically, or mentally in wanting romance.
Your partner gives you far less than the bare minimum required for a happy, healthy relationship. Moving on is your best choice. Modelling a bad relationship for your children and raising them to think being unhappy is normal is much worse for them than a divorce.
I reccommend a therapist to help you gain enough confidence to leave this man.