My wife just went for a massage and immediately broke down in tears when she walked in the door. She was molested by this man and I am freaking out.
I went to the chiropractor and nobody was there except a woman who was probably scared shitless of me banging in the windows trying to get someone to talk to me. I could see her on the phone so she was obviously calling the cops so I left.
Got home. Talked with my wife. I convinced her that we need to call the police. She is filing a police report as I type this.
I am shaking. I have no idea how to handle this. I want to kill this man. I can’t even imagine how my wife feels.
Guys and girls what the FUCK do we do??????????
32 comments
Sorry to hear.. sounds horrible. My advice, as crazy as it sounds.. turn it into a strength together.
Complete the police report, let the cops do their job, and get your wife, and yourself, some counseling resources ASAP.
I’m so sorry. Was it the chiropractor who did it?
Just be there for your wife. Provide comfort, don’t push her to do anything or to feel anything in particular. Therapy would be a good start for her when she’s ready. Maybe suggest it later when things aren’t so fresh.
If you go on the National DV hotline website, they have a directory for local resources in your area and those local lists typically include centers for survivors of sexual assault. I understand this isn’t a DV situation at all but that could be a way to help you guys find help. Furthermore, when speaking to police you guys can ask to speak to a victim advocate or a social worker. I’m so, so sorry. Just so unspeakably sorry. 💔
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Communicate, ask her how she feels, how she wants to continue, what can you do and not do to help her and y’all to overcome this. Her feelings come first, yours (although equally valid) must come after hers right now.
I wish her and y’all’s family a healing journey that ultimately brings y’all closer.
First, you’re gonna take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Next you’re gonna help her process the police report and assure her that you are extremely proud of her for speaking out. Tomorrow you’re both going to take the day off work and be present with each other. Brush her hair, cuddle her (if she wants you to), make her favorite meals and bundle up on the couch binging movies. Let her lead the conversation and follow along. Call your insurance company and find a therapist immediately, for both of you. This is a lot to process for the two of you.
I am sooooo sorry to both of you that this happened. That man is absolutely VILE. Definitely complete the process with the police. Write as many online reviews for that office as you possibly can. Is there some kind of board that Chiropractors have to report to? Maybe a license could be revoked if the right person was informed that this dude is assaulting women? As far as therapy goes – maybe trauma therapy? I can’t imagine how either of you feel right now, but that situation sounds absolutely traumatizing for her and for you.
I just can’t believe that. I hope he’s imprisoned and violated by the other inmates. An eye for an eye.
Focus on her, not your anger. The assault happened to her. Many women do not tell male family members when they have been assaulted because they fear the response – eg that the man goes and gets in a fight, attacks the perpetrator, etc. The focus then becomes managing the man’s anger rather than on supporting the victim.
Set your (understandable) rage aside and focus on what your wife needs right now. What will make her feel safe and protected?
I want to second the voices saying to ask for victim support services from the police. If your employer has an EAP, you could also want to start there for counseling as those will be free. This is a scary and violating experience for both of you. The best thing you can do for her right now is to stay calm, assure her she did the right thing by speaking up, and remember to respond, not react. When you’re in a therapy session, react all you want, but it’s important to keep it together for her and the kids right now.
I’m so sorry this happened to you all. Sending love your way 💙
My heart hurts for her. Ask her what she needs from you and support her in any way you can, which I can tell you will. You’re allowed to be angry but don’t let it overtake you.
I understand that you are pissed and you have every right to be. Definitely report it.
Please take your wife’s lead on this and match her level. I was raped a few years back and obviously my husband was devastated and pissed that it happened. If he was that outwardly angry it would’ve taken away from what I was feeling. Don’t make this about you.
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I’m so sorry this happened to your wife. If you go to the RAINN website it’ll list various centers in your area that have resources. They can help guide you through any process and often have resources including counseling available. Also, as another person mentioned try to contact a crime victims center as they’ll often have advocacy services and could possibly help with any expenses through crime victim’s funds. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Does she want you to kill the guy? Focus more on her and what she needs than on what you think should happen.
Does your area have a sexual assault center or agency with counselors who specialize?
Go to the ER & ask for a sexual assault kit. I do forensic DNA testing. Do not take a shower, we can often get DNA even if there was no semen or penile penetration. Call the cops or have the SA nurse do it. For sure file a report. Sexual predators in positions such as massage therapists need to be prosecuted.
Hot tea, hot shower or bath. Let her talk, just listen. Let her cry, get mad, throw things if she wants to.
RAINN as others have mentioned, is a great resource, as is the victim advocate that most police will have access to. If they don’t, call your local hospital, they will know what resources are out there for these instances.
Prepare to be very patient over the next months, if not longer. Seemingly benign things may trigger her.
Love her. Make sure she knows that you do not see her as tarnished or less than because of this. If she wants to have sex, do that for her, if she does not want that for a while, don’t make her feel badly about it. Oddly, ask before touching or kissing her for a bit, give her control over her own body back by asking permission. It may seem weird, but follow her lead.
Sending love and peace to you both.
Do not take a shower until she has gotten a rape kit done. Do not I repeat do not take a shower get the evidence first
No crazy stuff needs to be added by you, just be there for your wife and kids. People have regretted telling there man what another man has done because they end up in jail doing something dumb, dont be that guy. My hope is your wife doesnt stop following up with police, way too many do because they “just want to put it behind them” Dont force her to anything, but voice your concerns and ideas around this. You got to talk to people who arent family so you can just vent. That venting will hopefully help not bring that negative energy around your kids. But if you are sad around your kids, dont lie and say everything is fine (they know you arent), be honest. Hope this helps.
Calm down. Collect data about the alleged molestation
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OP, I’m sorry this happened, and I understand your rage. My 1st gf in high school confided she was raped by a guy in town. She took her revenge by leaving our dumb ass town behind, getting a PhD, and marrying her college best friend (not me, but a guy we were both friends with, I’m sincerely happy for her).
Anyway, my point is, your revenge will be to help your wife live a good life despite this, that’s how you become your wife’s hero and fix this to the extent you can. +1 on therapy too, it will help you navigate this while growing closer not further apart.
If you can fuck up this guy’s business and send him to prison through a criminal and civil trial, that’s just icing on the cake.
Sorry this happened to your wife. Could you share the name where this happened in Ottawa? I’d like to know what place to absolutely never visit.
As others said:
* Take the day off to spend with each other tomorrow.
* Try to get a DNA kit (even if just touched, contact DNA can still be there).
* The cops are good at getting confessions for SA cases. Still, it’s possible a lawsuit is the only way out of this. Sue the fuck out of them (by getting the most cold-blooded, ruthless lawyer possible) and let your wife retire off the settlement.
* Write everything down (in glorious detail) and *stick with it*, so nobody can accuse you of changing your story.
* Don’t kill/threaten anyone. That will only hurt your case.
* In regards to showing up at the place, remember your 5th Amendment rights. Maybe you need it, maybe you don’t, but just keep it in mind.
Let us know how it goes. And, my condolences.
Make sure you remind her that she did absolutely nothing to deserve this or cause this. The blame lies solely with the person that violated her. Victims can and often do self blame, especially when the abuse happens multiple times and by different people. Hearing it’s not her fault from another person can be really grounding and reassuring.
Be gentle and soft towards her but also firm and secure as if to shield her during this sensitive and vulnerable time. She will need help feeling safe. Bless her soul. What a nightmare to go through.
This just happened to me.
I filed a police report like two months ago and so did another woman and the police haven’t done shit. The guy hasn’t even been arrested
I would encourage you to ask for a private call from the victims advocate of the police department you reported the crime to. Ask the advocate in private for help. The advocate will be best able to help you help your wife and direct you to support. I am so sorry that you have had this happen. My heart goes out to you and your wife.
Agree with everyone here on supporting her but I also think it’s super valid for you to have your own feelings about what happened. She needs support but it sounds like you need it too. Wanting help to process your emotions in order to best support her is not selfish. It’s upsetting to see someone you care about go through something traumatic.
In addition to helping her find a counselor, I would encourage you to find someone to confide in too, to talk through your thoughts separately so it doesn’t detract from her.
First, this is despicable and I’m very sorry your wife had this experience. Condolences to your family.
Contacting the police is the right thing to do.
Second, (as a massage therapist, my advice) I would (this will depend on your state) look up the massage therapist or DCs name and contact the licensing board. They are legally required in most states to have their license number/name visible either online or in office. They will lose their license, they will lose their business/job, they will likely go to jail and have to register as a sex offender for ever.
Hopefully they have never done this to anyone else before, but they likely have and that person has been too scared to stand up. You and your wife standing up will bring justice to the other victims.
Third, definitely seek counseling. Yours and your wife’s mental health are on the lines. It’s despicable that someone in a state of power would prey upon someone who is completely vulnerable. It’s so disappointing and despicable. I hope you guys are able to heal
Call the police, gather the facts including CCTV.
You don’t have to do much. Sounds like she’s on it