Hello r/AskMen,
What kind of bothers me the majority of my \[M28\] life is, that I always have to put in the full effort when it comes to women and the dating process and later on maintaining the relationship.
\- I need to start conversations and hold them
\- I need to decide if the first impression and character is worthwhile o proceed.
\- I need to keep the contact.
\- I need to ask them out for a date.
\- I need to plan everything for the date.
\- I need to keep asking and planning for subsequent dates.
\- I need to ask her if she wants to commit into a relationship.
Now you could say, I don’t need to do one or any of it. Well if my goal is to die alone, then you are right. Until now, I can also accept it as it is and follow the rules. But at this point, when I am in a relationship, I also have to:
\- Suggest activities for the weekend, otherwise we would just stay at home.
\- Plan and check everything for the activities
\- Suggest and plan even holidays
\- If she wants to eat outside, it is up to me to search for something interesting.
\- Most of the time I have to suggest what to cook for dinner.
It is never really demanded, but quietly expected. Like either I suggest and plan something, otherwise it will not happen. But what bothers me a lot is, that in a regular interval, I think about bringing her flowers, plants, or when she wrote me she had a bad day at work some snacks. When I planned a trip, I always made sure that something small w did or visited was special. Something to remember.
But at the same time, I am missing this from my partners. Like planning something unexpected to surprise me. I am a man, but this doesn’t mean that I don’t like this small thoughtful gestures as well.
It is not about money, it can be for free, but it is about the gesture and the assurance, that the other person really thought about you and tried to make you happy. And when I have to plan everything in the relationship, it becomes like work to me and I stop enjoying it.
Now many will suggest to just talk about it, but how to do it, without actually destroy the joy by requesting something, that should be totally normal? Because asking for it would completely destroy what makes it so great.
21 comments
Relationships are always work, but 50/50. If they don’t meet you in the middle and you have to motivate them to care about you, fuck that.
If its that difficult you need to get out.
That’s not a serious relationship, that’s just how dating works
Try changing things up, get into a new activity that involves a lot of women so you aren’t relying on dating so much to meet them
There’s a term for this… but i kinda forgot what it is, it’s something about a horse or dancing monkey, idk.
This is why I stopped dating. It’s really not worth the effort.
It sounds like you have a type of partner who is passive in some areas of the relationship. There are some mates that would really connect on the same level as you, like soul mates, when planning. The current one you have probably won’t change their personality to think similarly to you, so you’ll have to get used to taking the lead. It’s okay though because most relationships have a stronger lead, no matter the gender. I hope you find peace in this.
Plan your life and make it happen. You’ll have a partner who will enjoy the ride. The years that enjoyment is gone, it may be time to move on.
It seems to me that you’ve got to talk about it without asking for it. I don’t know how to do that (I’ve been in your shoes and crashed and burned) but I’m sure someone else will chime in with useful ideas. Maybe have a conversation about love languages?
If you keep doing the little spontaneous thoughtful things to make her feel special and she doesn’t reciprocate, you *are* going to become increasingly resentful about them. So you might stop. Stop planning outings. Stop buying flowers. When she notices, that can be your conversation starter.
Just make gd sure the conversation goes “I don’t feel appreciated” and not “you don’t write me love songs anymore.”
that sounds like hell
my gf comes over and we watch comfy movies and cuddle; we sometimes go out for something but usually we just hang out and enjoy each others company, walk a trail or on the beach, maybe play a board game or cook a meal together. relationships are always a constant give and take, but if she isn’t putting any effort that’s not worth bothering with
Relationships are always work. But in a healthy relationship the work is split between both people.
First, wow, it takes a lot of effort and patience to write long post like this. And to answer your question : you work a bit more, but if it overwhelms you, you leave.
Seeing your grocery list I just want to say that’s on you, because if a relationship feels unequal, why would I stay if it makes me unhappy?
Disengage. Find something you enjoy doing. Maybe you’ll find a woman whose commitment to your relationship matches yours. If I thought I were noticing a pattern of common attitudes and behavior in a dating pool, maybe I’d try looking somewhere else.
Don’t date before you turn 30 as a man, focus on improving yourself first. Make sure you have a good job, steady income a decent house and manage to work on your body. Woman will come soon enough and you can likely even get the younger models.
For the relationship you described… Dude… do yourself a favor and step out of that relationship right away, she is not worth your time, effort or your money.
While we all like to think it is 50/50, it is not the case for most people. One person generally ends up putting in more. This is why all marriage advice is like, ‘You need to fall in love with the same person over and over again’ and ‘you don’t keep score in a marriage’.
It may differ depending on where you live, but most of what you wrote is pretty much expected. Yes it sucks, yes you have a right to ask more, but will you get it? Maybe yes, maybe no. There is only one way to find out. Ask politely to share some of the load and hopefully she’ll realize.
Personally, I enjoy being the one who calls the shots and makes things happen. I like researching & planning & executing my plans and seeing it all work out – it’s one of my strengths in life.
And I think it’s a great honor to earn a lady’s trust and confidence in my leadership and decision making.
That’s just me though, I can see how it’s not for everyone.
Sounds like you’d rather have a more assertive woman in your life. There is certainly no shortage of them!
My first wife was one. And we butt heads a lot, over every detail large or small. I felt that was a headache, that was “work”.
It’s just incompatible personality types – the right one for you is out there!
Don’t be their attention slave. If you’re not getting back what you put in move on
Any relationship requirs work from both parties. It doesn’t matter if your 18 or 80. Both parties need to provide things to the relationship. People work out who needs to do what through the course of that longevity.
Unfortunately the items you list as issues at your listed age bracket ( plus or minus a couple years) DO NOT EXIST ANYMORE. Your list his home with me. These are things I am looking for in a long standing relationship. Fortunately I found them, and have married for the 2nd time.
If you want to check things off your list date or seek relationships 35+. 40+even better. That “generation ” of people have the same check boxes. Not all, but most. If you want to stay in your age bracket make a list of things you will absolutely not tolerate and work from there. You’re not going to find many people in that age bracket that have the same values as you do.
If it feels like work, get out. I understand people having their off days but if every interaction is a chore and they’re not pulling their weight, I would call time on the relationship and look for someone whose willing to invest in a similar capacity to yourself.
>Now you could say, I don’t need to do one or any of it. Well if my goal is to die alone, then you are right
You make the assumption that if you not continuously slave away you will die alone. I wonder where you get that idea from, because I don’t see this in reality at all. But I do see it in movies, books and girl talks.
No. You need to know what you want in life and unapologetically stand up for that, while being willing to accept the consequences for wanting to have things “your way” (if not you oughta change).
“No.” is a word you are allowed to utter.
Expecting a woman to put in some effort to maintain a relationship is something you can expect, whether every woman likes it or not.
You don’t want a harem, you want someone to stick with you even during the tough times. Tell me how you are going to find that when you hit a rough patch and can’t do all that stuff you did before. You probably won’t go “yeah well guess I can’t get sick or else I will die alone.”. You have to stand up for your needs and wants.
Align yourself with reality. And reality shows that you don’t need to carry the whole weight of a relationship however if you do it might give you access to a different kind of woman than you would have if you don’t.
you forgot.. you also need to constantly make her laugh, entertain her so she doesnt get bored, plan the anniversary dates/gifts (even tho an anniversary is supposed to be about the two of you equally, the celebration of it is somehow up to you to plan. you better surprise her and it better be good)
Doesn’t get much better either as you get older. Even the ones that appear to be less demanding due to their diminishing options as they age will still be looking for every opportunity to change that dynamic and regain social leverage to recreate the imbalance. There is just something in a lot of their brains that requires them to be worked for in an uneven manner to feel valued…. As If your willingness to suffer unfairness proves how much their prize is worth…. Or perhaps it makes them feel more secure and safe in their environment.
I’ve mostly accommodated this by becoming very casual in my relationships. I do what I want when I want… If someone wants to come they can. I’m often willing to do things just because other people want them…. But I don’t feel much pressure to. No, it will never get you that fantastic and meaningful relationship you thought was possible when you were 15…. But the alternative isn’t one of those either. Working hard to validate someone else constantly just gets you a relationship that doesn’t do you any favors. I make human connections when they happen… But I no longer sweat the rest.
Don’t do this expecting things to become fair or other people to start working harder for you…. They won’t. They permanently consider that to be your job. But… Seeing that fact repeatedly will help you stop valuing those who will never do for you what they require from you.