So me and my husband have been married for over 2 years (together for over 3). We’ve been rocky here and there for various reasons but for the most part we both really trust each other. Now my trust took some time because when we first began dating he saw his ex (slept with her) 2 times in the very beginning of our relationship. But since then my trust has grown and he really doesn’t give me many reasons to feel insecure, especially since marriage. We have an open phone policy and we have an understanding with one another that if something makes the other person feel uncomfortable we do what we can to accommodate because it really doesn’t happen often and we want our spouse’s feelings to come first.
Well now a new girl started at my husband’s work a few months ago. She popped up on my radar because he started telling me all of her relationship issues because she was sharing them with him. Red flag #1. I didn’t say anything about this. Then about a month later, I went to eat lunch with my husband at his office. While eating, she barges into his office and looks surprised to see me. I told my husband I thought it was weird that she barged in like she owned the place as opposed to knocking first. My husband said everyone just walks in and this normal, although I’ve never had any other coworkers barge in during lunch with him in the past. Red flag #2.
With our open phone policy I just kept having this nagging feeling that I wanted to know how much they text. Red flag #3…it’s a lot. My husband always prides himself on how he chooses to never text any women in the evenings out of respect for me. He was right, no messages in the evening. But during the work day? All day long. Memes, work stuff, her relationship stuff, some fertility stuff about us that I thought we were keeping private for now. I still don’t say anything. Then the next day he calls me when he gets off work and says he’s going to be a little late because this coworker needs a ride home. When he gets home I let him know my feelings about it and how I don’t feel comfortable with them having any one on one time going forward. He agrees.
Then fast forward to a week later…he texts me and says they are partners for secret Santa at work and he had no idea the gifts were due that day so he is going to go with her at lunch to the store to buy their joint gifts. I’m livid. I let him know that I don’t appreciate him doing exactly what I asked him not to do. I understand it’s work related but in my mind if he truly wanted to respect my feelings I think there are plenty of solutions to this issue. But instead he gets defensive. Tells me he didn’t know and it wasn’t planned and there’s nothing he can do. Tells me I also shouldn’t be able to tell him who he can’t be friends with and that I’m in the wrong. I tell him he can be work friends but I think given the fact that they talk all day long, have a strong emotional connection from talking about personal things, and her lack of boundaries with his office, I think they overall have a lack of boundaries together and all I’m asking is for no one on one time outside of work. That’s it. I know she’s throwing a Christmas party soon and I told him we could go and still be friends and whatnot I just don’t want the one on one time.
Am I I the wrong for asking for this? I feel like he is gaslighting me on the whole thing and making me feel crazy and controlling.
5 comments
No, you’re not wrong. It’s got to end, like you want. The position he’s putting himself in is too dangerous. If she breaks into tears, will he have to hug her …..
Idk what to say about the gift shopping, but yikes, it’s really got to stop.
You are correct. Sit down and have a serious talk. Share that his behavior with this woman is posing a significant threat to your marriage. List defined boundaries that you want maintained. If he whines about you trying to control his relationships, tell him damn right, things are now at risk. If he cannot take your concerns seriously, immediately schedule a marriage counseling appointment for both of you. If he declines, then you have to take more drastic measures. Hopefully things won’t get this far.
Look, his track record with you is not perfect, so he needs to be a model citizen here.
You’re not wrong. He may not see it. People often feel an connection and think they are just being good friends but it can slip so easily beyond that. And a sign that it is slipping beyond that would be dropping boundaries regarding her that he previously agreed to uphold.
My wife and I both make a conscious effort to not be alone with the opposite sex. It’s not always possible with work, but where it’s it possible and remotely reasonable it’s what we do. We never discussed this. We discovered after 15 years together that we both had drawn the same boundary for ourselves.
The barging into the office really could just be a fairly normal thing. Some people may just walk in and ask if now is a good time to talk.
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Everything else though is definitely pushing boundaries at the very least and seems ripe for an emotional affair.
Op if he was going around with other woman at the very beginning of your relationship, his morals are already not very good. At one point you were where the new girl is now, Guy has low morals. If he is texting her more often than you during the day then he has a harem already.
Why would he change himself? He gets to date her have you as the wife. Get the affections of multiple women, if he had good morals he wouldn’t be this conceited. But he is.