He’s decent looking, good enough job, smart enough, good natured. But you just don’t feel it. Do you think it is because you should give him more time?

I just don’t feel attracted towards him, or he doesn’t inspire me, which i want. Should I lower my standards? Should I give it more time? OR not?

18 comments

  2. You’re not attracted to them. Annd that’s ok.

    Attraction isn’t this checklist of “oh they have x y and z I wanna date them.” It’s completely natural. And natural urges like that can’t be defined in simple terms.

    Hell, sometimes your body will give a signal it’s hungry when you’re actually thirsty.

  3. Omg giirl, never lower your standards. Trust your gut, you don’t feel it for a reason. You’ll find the one suited for you and it’s definitely not him

  4. The more I date, the more I realize there really can just be lack of interest or “chemistry” if you call it that. A guy or girl can be generally attractive, good job, etc. but you just don’t feel any excitement or naturally drawn to them for whatever reason. I’ve had first dates where I was super excited after, and then dates where I felt nothing (good or bad). And the crazy part is I can’t even explain why most of the time. Of course the worst is when you like someone and the feeling isn’t mutual back, haha.

  5. No worries it’s ur choice, but pls do feel free to post in this very Reddit as missing someone

  6. Why would anyone try to force themself into something that doesn’t work for them?

  7. This is why I say that “having your shit together” doesn’t inherently make you datable because it doesn’t account for the things that make people want to emotionally connect with you. And that ability to emotionally connect doesn’t often come from people who look good paper.

  9. It might suck for him but, it’s ultimately your choice. If you want to date someone that’s inspiring (among other things). At the very least, let him know the truth.

  10. If you’re not interested then you’re not interested. Looking good on paper doesn’t equal having chemistry irl

  12. Ignore people who say “if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it.”

    It’s devoid of substance and lacks a clear answer as to WHY… and can potentially be harmful. If you’re attracted to men who love bomb you and then beat your ass later in the relationship, and the pattern repeats… but then you find a great guy like the one you described, but you don’t “feel” it? *Incredibly* damaging.

    That being said, you need to do some research on yourself. Step back, take a look at your dating habits and patterns, find out the sort of person you’re attracted to, and WHY you’re attracted to them. Not just the “surface”-level of “why” (e.g. “because he’s hot”, “because he makes me feel good”, “because I like the attention”), but the deeper “whys”: why does he make you feel that way? What did you learn when you were growing up that makes his behavior ok or not-ok? Does it resemble anyone else in your life that you used to look up to, or acknowledged as an authority, or were forced to respect–and did they deserve that position you gave them? (And other questions–so long as the path of questions you take gets you to answers at the end.)

    Once you recognize the patterns of your own attraction, you can start to recognize whether what you are attracted to is healthy or not.

    The other half of this is “healing”: if you DO recognize unhealthy patterns in your attractions, you’re gonna need to find a way to heal these… and it’s gonna SUCK. It’s gonna feel repulsive and wrong, or like maybe you don’t deserve it (if indeed it’s a “self-worth” thing). But the thing about healing is, it eventually turns around–wounds scab over, fevers die down to acceptable temperatures, bones mend, and so on. You will, hopefully, in time, start to recognize *healthy* attractions in people.

    Now, on the other side of this coin… let’s say you’ve done your introspection, and you came up clean. Nobody in your life has toxic relationships with anyone, you don’t have any sort of PTSD from traumatic childhood memories, and anyone you’ve idolized or held up as an example has been stellar. What then?

    Then… it’s just down to physical attraction.

    “Decent looking, good enough job, smart enough, good natured”. But he’s got “businessman” aesthetics…. while you have an attraction to *goth* or *metal* aesthetics. There’s nothing wrong with this! It just means you need to find someone whooooo’s: decent looking, good enough job, smart enough, [and] good natured, but ALSO has your *preferred physical preferences*! And bam! Potential for a healthy relationship, of which I hope springs eternal.

    I wish you well, OP.

  13. Question: would you say that Guy 1 is boring or not interested in the same things you are? Or is Guy 2 someone you want to fix? Is Guy 1 someone not many ladies would want in comparison to Guy 2?

  14. Maybe try therapy. But truly be honest. It’s a unfortunate situation and we’ve all been there. This person is perfect in every way. Butttt the spark isn’t there. But this toxic individual who doesn’t even really like you, 🥵. Just breath and take a break. Or just mess around. Whatever floats your boat.

  16. Leave him alone. He needs someone better and someone with realistic views of romance and relationships.

  17. if attraction is something you have to talk yourself into, just please move on

    its unfair to both you and him

    not willing to be with someone because youre not attracted to them doesnt make you a bad person

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