What’s something you replay in your mind over and over again?

12 comments

1. Almost everything to make sure that i did the right thing. However, always disappointed in the end

2. Embarrassing interactions.

3. The 2014 school shooting I went through. Small campus but I was in a different building so I don’t say I “Survived” it, but I was there and it affected myself and my college. Changed my life and views forever.

   2016, came home from living abroad and got assaulted twice by my brother. Years later and we still rarely speak, though honestly think he’s royally fucked that one up for good.

   2020, the general feeling of everything just slowly falling apart around me. Mentally I’m still recovering.

4. The gigachad song

5. Ducks I folded this year, honkers tumbling, 2 turkeys down and my first deer ever just these last few months. The family will be fed good

6. My past argument. Like “Damn, I should have said that.”

7. Everything

8. Last time someone told me “You did a good job there”

9. The most emotionally intense scenes from my book. Trying to think of anything I can do to improve them.

10. Through a snowball at a girl when I was a kid and she dodged it by jumping down a flight of concrete stairs . Blood everywhere and most of her teeth were gone . Really hope she got a surgery to fix all of that because I remember her looking terrible when she was in high school. I know not necessarily my fault but nonetheless feel very guilty about it

11. I focus on the negative far, far more than I would like. As a result, I find myself living in the past, rehashing experiences that didn’t go well, conversations where misunderstandings took place, job-related interactions that were uncomfortable, reviewing what I WISH I had said instead of what I actually said… and on, and on, and on it goes. There are a few standouts that come back for encore performances. I was a caregiver for my partner of 18 years during the last year of his life. I was running a small hospital here in my home, coordinating therapies and appointments, meds, trips to the bathroom, and more, all while working full-time. I did many things right and did them well but I never think of that. Instead, I overwrite those thoughts with moments when I was impatient, second-guessing every choice I made, and turning myself into the bad guy. Objectively, I know that I am a decent person. I’m engaging and I help people out when I can. I’m not deliberately hurtful to others, I’m honest, and I’m a hard worker. But I can never give myself a break. I am my own worst critic and I ride my ass like there’s no tomorrow. That last year of his life was the hardest year of mine. I should feel pleased and proud of what I accomplished during that period. But instead, I’m haunted by it. I call this my PTSD, though I don’t know with certainty that that’s what this really is. I just know that I have a continuous loop of “shoulds” playing in my head and it’s exhausting.

12. When my life completly changed. The night I got stabbed and lost my thin intestine.

    *edit: i see most of you complaning about things that happened in the past but didn’t change your life at all, I wish so badly my problems where simple like that. My advice for you guys is to be grateful and take care of your health, because it is literally the most valuable thing we have.