First off, I hate writing this post. I hate having to explain everyone the situation i’m in cause it makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable that i’m airing everything out to random strangers on the internet. I’m too nervous to speak with my siblings or anyone else I know IRL about this situation because i’m too scared of what they’ll say.
Let me start off at the beginning, me(m20) and friend (m20) met in 7th grade. I was new to the city and I joined a new school in mid February. The teacher felt sad that I looked lonely in the cafeteria the first day so she made two random people sit with me. Long story short this trio friend group flourished all the way up to 10th grade. Our third friend left the city so it was just me and my friend “Jake”.
Jake is a cool guy but he struggles with low self-esteem. He was so clingy that he would find me after a-lot of my classes and follow me to my next one. I brushed it off cause I thought he was being a nice friend.
Fast Forward to 11th grade and he likes this girl he met. Long story short the girl only sees him as a friend and he starts developing depression and suicidal tendencies. I try to help him feel better and try to make him feel happy all the time. At the end of 11th grade year his family moves away. We both recently got into video games before he left so this was a way for us to connect over long distances.
I always felt a sense of responsibility to watch over him and make sure he is feeling good. I often would hop online every day so that we can just chat and play games.
We always had a similar sense of humor and we’d always make each other laugh but sometimes he would say really mean backhanded jokes.
People often say that if you don’t roast or make fun of your friends than are you really friends. I totally understand that logic but sometimes these backhanded jokes or side jabs felt more like mean than funny.
For example, he would constantly make fat jokes about me. He called me the designated ugly fat friend one day. All these mean things that affected my own personal self esteem. I often would brush off his mean comments by adding another self deprecating joke to make him laugh. For example
Him: “Of course you would only think about food all the time”
Me: “ Yeah, *aggressive hog chewing noise*
Him: “I knew you were pig, you totally look like one haha”
Me: “Hahaha…”
So many examples where he would double down on making fun of me instead of maybe just laughing.
I didn’t tell anyone anything cause I’ve convinced myself that its not that serious and that i’m just too sensitive.
However, there have been many occurrences that he’s hurts my feelings. I’ve told him a few times before and he’s apologized but naturally he just always has these out of pocket comments ready to jab at me.
Fast forward to now, our 8 year friendship, I haven’t seen him in person for 3 or 4 years. His girlfriend tells me how much happiness I bring into his life. He is still struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies. He often clues that he wasn’t suppose to be alive for this long. I feel sad because everything i say or do to motivate him or grow and change he disregards and doesn’t listen. I can’t help him and he isn’t helping me either. I want to leave him as a friend but I feel wrong to do this. I wanna be his friend but I don’t know how long I have left in me. I’d feel so bad if someone left me after so many years. Please help me.
Is it time to say goodbye, distance myself, or keep hanging on?
TL;DR: My friend of 8 years is extremely suicidal and I want to help him but he says many rude and mean things to me over the years that it’s affecting me emotionally and mentally.
5 comments
Time to distance yourself. This friendship may have benefited him, but it certainly hasn’t done you any favors. You are not responsible for his happiness and he has been hurtful to you
You cannot help him. It’s not your responsibility. His mental health is not your problem. You’re not stuck with him at all. You HAVE to prioritize your emotional wellbeing over everything else. Don’t feel guilty and distance yourself.
Realize that he is NOT your friend. He makes fun of you. His behavior has a negative effect on your mental health. That’s not what friends do.
So have 0 regrets and drop him. I don’t understand what’s the problem here – maybe that’s something you learn when you’re older but… with age you realize that you can’t help some people. And with age, you realize that toxic people belong in a dumpster.
Ultimately, OP, this is not your responsibility. And frankly, I think maybe you should call his bluff on this one, kinda. After you “break up” with him, so to speak, if he starts telling you he’s suicidal, here’s what you do.
You tell him one time, very very clearly and seriously, that you take threats like that REALLY seriously, and if he means it, you’re going to have to get other people involved because this is way, waaayyyyyy above your pay grade. And if it continues, you call emergency services in his area and have them go do a wellness check. If he’s serious he’ll get evaluated by people qualified to do so. If he’s not and it’s just manipulation, your point will hopefully be made when he has to deal with police and EMTs at his door. Either way, his mental health is not your responsibility. And if it’s as bad as he says, people educated and experienced need to be involved in helping him.
You can’t make yourself responsible for somebody else’s happiness. This is doubly true when the other person makes you feel bad by making fun of you in hurtful ways.
It’s totally okay to back off from this and not be friends with him. You might not have to jump straight to “dumping” him, and can maybe just dial way back on your communication given that you don’t see each other IRL. Kind of a slow fade. Or if you feel like it’s better to just end it, that’s okay too.
now im not saying you should do this too but I think its worth seeing through it just to help him out, speaking from experience dealing with suicidal toxic people and ending up being there for them may not have been the best thing for me but I was glad I was there anyways. even just holding out for that person can really be worth a life