My boyfriend is upset with me because I kissed his nipple, he said “where the hell did you learn this”

40 comments

1. I’d say he probably doesn’t like the sensation, but could’ve used different words to express that.

2. he sounds like an idiot

3. It’s a good idea to make sure you have consent before doing something physical with someone else’s body. Imagine if he pulled down your shirt and kissed your nipple when you weren’t expecting for it or ready for that kind of contact. He reacted strongly for sure, which could be for a lot of reasons. It would be appropriate to apologize for putting his nipple in your mouth without consent. You can also ask him to help you understand his reaction and talk about physical boundaries.

4. You can’t do things of sexual nature when your partner has said no. Just never do that. He isn’t allowed to do that either, unless you have already established what each of you like, and how liberal you can be with each other’s bodies.

   As to him being cold, idk. It wasn’t a very healthy reaction from him. He’s got all the right to be hurt by you not listening to him and crossing a boundary, but punishing you for it like he did doesn’t sit well with me.

   Make sure that he’s the kind of person you can communicate with. Otherwise your relationship is doomed from the start, and no amount of hotness and lust is going to fix that

   If my partner crossed a boundary, I’d talk about it and make sure that my partner understands what went wrong. I know that my partner would immediately apologise, and after a little while, it’d be ik. That’s us.

   Do not, and I repeat, do not trick yourself into thinking that you are cheap. There is no such thing. Society tells you that you are supposed to “gold onto your virtue” aka not like sex, initiate, watch porn, what have you, but it’s a toxic idea.

   I’d never be with a prudish partner. I’m a happy slut and enjoy my kinks. Haters can go into their dead bedrooms for all I care. If you want a healthy sex life, beware of people who reject you for sexual curiosity and definitely stay away from those who’d shame you for having desires.

   I’ll end this by saying again that you are never ever allowed to push if someone says no. Ever.

5. He’s embarrassed cuz he thinks you treated him like a girl. He feels ashamed and is lashing out at you by calling you a pervert.

   That behavior is annoying, but if you like him and can deal with his rigid gender-role insecurities, go at it. Just know it’s a him issue, not a you issue.

   Edit: could be that he’s angry about ops lack of consent and the nip thing is how he directed his discomfort. Op, be more aware of consent plz

6. Intimacy is being vulnerable. Sounds like your boyfriend has a problem with rigid gender stereotypes and that’s really unfortunate. He’s denying himself some of the greatest pleasures of life because of some macho ideas of manliness. I feel sorry for him, and for you, because he’s limiting your expression of love and shaming you at the same time.

7. kind of sounds like he sucks. take a step back from the extreme physical attraction. does this guy actually treat you well and care about you? told you not to ask if he loved you? i’ll tell my wife i love her once a minute for the rest of my life if she wants me to, because i do. this is your warning, your red flag, keep those eyes and ears open. good luck.

8. Your boyfriend is not Mr. Perfect. He sounds creepy and kinda controlling.

9. [deleted]

10. You’ve put him on a pedestal: “He’s the most handsome guy I have ever seen and even his personality is
    just as good, nice, right and generous as he looks physically. You will
    say “you got yourself the ideal guy” and yes, it’s true, he’s perfection
    on earth.”

    ​

    EVERYTHING that’s been put on a pedestal in bound to fall of it, some time.

    Criticizing you that way is a perfect example of how you putting him on a pedestal is wrong. It’s plain blunt. It’s not that you stick a finger up his ass, or something else that would need consent. It’s a kiss on the nipple, an erogenous zone ALSO with men.

    You’re in love and that’s sweet, but I urge you to be realistic about your boyfriend, because I’m 100% sure this agression is just a foretaste of what is yet to come. It’s easy to wear a mask in the beginning of a relationship but people can’t do that forever and I guess this was the first peak you had from behind his mask.

11. I get that you love him, but he seems to be very backwards and conservative. Now you are young and in love, it doesn’t really show that much, but as your relationship progresses, you will notice it more.

    You can either dump him now and save yourself from heartache later, or you can try talking to him and telling him that there shouldn’t be any double standards and that he doesn’t get to react the way he did for you trying to be affectionate or sexual.
    If he felt uncomfortable, he should have said so like a normal person.

    Also, shaming you for it is disgusting. I doubt he will understand or accept anything I mentioned, but you can try.

    My honest advice would be to find someone who will never make you feel bad about yourself. Someone who isn’t stuck in the 18th century.

12. OP it sounds like you’re idealizing a total asshole, which is going to be a problem for you because your perception of him as “the perfect guy” is leading to you tying up your self-esteem in his moods, when in reality he is very immature and treats you poorly. You are going to be hollowed out as a person and it is not going to be pretty.

13. Him getting upset had nothing to do with thinking you are/were “easy” and everything to do with
    -He wanted to rest, you kept bothering him
    -He told you he was feeling ticklish and not to touch his chest
    -You persisted anyway (which is honestly really concerning)
    -He has given you no prior indication that just because you enjoy being touched in that way that he does

    Even now reading your own retelling of events you aren’t listening to him and going through rationales in your mind to why he didn’t enjoy it and looking outward. (I didn’t do those things cause I wanted to, those other things influenced me, he made me feel like a pervert)

    You haven’t “ruined” things with him. But if you are going to get past this you need to listen to him (he told you he wants to drop it so drop it), take him at his word for consent/ask when it’s appropriate (doing so when he’s sleepy and trying to rest is generally poor form), reflect on why you did what you did so you avoid doing it in the future, and recognize you can’t control how he sees you so don’t obsess over it and just be you.

14. Both of you are in the wrong here. You are because you didnt respect his boundaries and kept going even though he didn’t want you to but at the same he doesn’t seem in the right either. After reading your comments you keep saying he said you were a “bad girl”. He’s wrong because he apparently has a twisted image of women. From what I can infer from your post he seems to be the kind of person who thinks women should be girly and feminine. That’s pretty old fashioned and not in a good way. Your mentality in a relationship is very different from his. I don’t think you two are compatible tbh.

15. It is WILD to me how many comments are blatantly ignoring the whole “he asked her not to touch his chest , he was clearly wanting to rest and not in the mood for anything, but because she wanted to cuddle thought it was okay to kiss his nipple”
    and assuming he called her a pervert when all he said to our knowledge is “what the hell are you doing? Where the hell did you learn these things?” (which could very easily refer to the whole…trying to initiate when your partner says no)

    I hate playing this card but I would be FASCINATED to see the parallel to this if the genders were reversed because a lot of these comments seem reactionary. No means no regardless of gender, OP is in the wrong.

16. I mean, you probably learned it when you were a week old and eating

17. Dude just wasn’t in the mood and you kept pushing it after several rejections. Maybe listen to your partner more, no means no.

18. It honestly sounds like your downplaying him being really mean to you. While yea you should’ve asked there’s something off about this. About the way you say he’s old fashioned but quickly defend saying he’s no a jerk makes me think he’s exactly that, a jerk.

    You seem very innocent and shy and more likey to excuse red flag behavior out of naivety. I hope you keep an eye on all these anger incidents as a red flag. If it truly is just this one time where you violated his consent then there’s nothing to worry about but if its happening constantly over different things then please talk about it with someone you know and make sure you stay safe.

19. Sounds like he is pretty full of himself and he is clearly unkind to you for petty reasons. Maybe not as good a catch as you think.

    This is going to be over of those red flags you look back on after the relationship is over and wonder how you missed it.

20. Okay a lot to process here. I think both parties could have handled things better.

    OP – you are idolising this man too much and putting too much emphasis on his looks, I get you’re young but putting someone on a pedestal often results in bad behaviours being ignored. Another thing is you have to respect when someone says no, consent is not negotiable, if he says he is not in the mood, leave it there, don’t go further. He has to respect the same.

    Also thinking he hates you and you lost your chance with him for a mistake when he hasn’t expressed he is done with the relationship is a bit much. If a relationship is that fragile that him being upset means you think your chance with him is gone and no communication can be had, then it’s probably not a relationship either you or him should be in.

    He is in the wrong too, he should have communicated things better even when upset, he didn’t have to put you down, it sounds he felt a boundary was crossed and he was uncomfortable but didn’t express that well. He had every right to be upset as you didnt respect when he said no. You both need sit down and talk about this and start communicating better or things won’t work. There has to be mutual respect on both sides.

    I hope you two work it out.

21. Uh… he’s a “great guy” but gets enraged because you sucked his nipple a little bit?

    Like, yes, people can have preferences and maybe he has some sexual trauma around nipple sucking, but he should NOT be getting so angry at you that you feel smaller than him. He should apologize and you both need to talk about sexual and non-sexual touches in terms of boundaries.

    Additionally, he just seems like a poor partner in general, but that’s just my humble opinion.

22. Okay first of all. I’m ukrainian, I grew up in the ukrainian community and my whole family is ukrainain and from ukraine. I know ukrainain men, one thing to note. Most the time because of our grandparents and how they were raised we were taught old fashion ways and (I’m not like that) but lots of our men are (obv not all of them). He probably thought that was homo and it made him feel like his pride and ego was brought down, so he does not sound perfect in any way. My boyfriend is American and I always kiss his nipples when we are just messing around and he usually laughs and does it back as we’re just playing around. Traditional ukrainain men refuse to learn anything a woman is supposed to know (hence why I’ll never date one) and think anything on the spectrum of anything “gay” is the biggest deal in the world cuz that’s what we were taught. I grew up with these guys, I know them. They are egotistical and most the time just super lame. Everything is about their image and how something makes them look. They are disrespectful to women and delittle them. Run bro.
    OP- you literally did nothing wrong you were trying to cuddle and he’s just being lame. If he doesn’t like it, he could just kindly ask not to do but in this case he’s just acting cold shoulder and that’s not what you want. Dont blaming yourself for anything.

23. I’m not saying he’s totally innocent but, if he asked you to stop, why didn’t you? No means no, male or female. I wouldn’t lick my husband’s nipple (definitely not his thing) but if I tried anything and he said no, I would stop not escalate it.

24. Jesus have some self respect holy shit. This guy isn’t perfect whatsoever. He’s a total asshole. You’re 18 so you’re still really young and probably don’t know what love is yet because this is *not* it but you need to honestly grow up.

    Also not at all defending his actions because he’s a complete asshole but if someone says they’re tired and closes their eyes, stop harassing them for whatever you want. If the roles were reversed and the male exposed the sleeping females tit and started sucking on her nipple everyone would be screaming sexual assault but of course no one is doing that when the roles are reversed.

    Guy is still a total asshole for all the other stuff though. Dump him, learn self respect and boundaries.

25. Seems like one of those things that you’ll say years later, “that was a red flag I should have seen”. That’s a poor response to an intimate moment.

26. Sounds like your BF comes from a sexually repressed culture and still holds some toxic masculinity views (“nipple play is for women and not men”). Even if his nipples are sensitive, theres no reason to react the way he did.

27. He was probably annoyed because it sounds like he wanted to go to sleep.

28. He sounds immature, not emotionally available and like he wants someone he can teach and control. It might be ok now when you are 18 and don’t know what else is out there but you probably won’t want a man who acts like this forever. Eventually you’ll want someone who sees you as an equal and treats you with respect, not like a child.

    Would he ask you where you learned it if you kissed his arm? Or if you kissed his neck? Or his stomach? Or on the head? Why does he think you had to be taught to kiss him on a nipple? Humans have erogenous zones all over their bodies and it’s normal for lovers to explore each other to find out what the other person likes – everyone is different. Yes some men do like their nipples kissed just like women. All he had to say was “I don’t like how that feels, please don’t kiss me there.” If he overreacted to this, what will he say/do when you have a fight over something that matters? If he’s so against partner’s exploring each other’s bodies, are you going to be able to get YOUR physical needs met?

29. Your bf is not “perfect”, get over that illusion. Even if he wasn’t comfortable, if he was so damn kind as you say, he wouldn’t get so aggressive about that.

30. All I can say is this guy sounds like he has issues.

31. Most comments here don’t know what they’re talking about because these people weren’t raised in one of those countries.

    As a Ukrainian, I want to warn you that many guys from Eastern Europe are not just « old fashioned ». They get no sex education, they’re often ignorant, extremely sexist and homophobic.

    Your boyfriend probably thought that the thing you did humiliated him as a « manly man ». And look, I guarantee you that this is not the only toxic view he has.

32. This is an act that is typically associated with female pleasure. Men are not “supposed” to like and can feel shame for having this performed on them, especially if they enjoy it. They find themselves thinking “why do I like this” and then feel shame, which can then be replaced by anger. It was very similar for me the first time a girl did this to me.

33. This comment section is weird. Everyone here is jumping on the guy when he clearly said he wanted to rest, and OP persisted on what they wanted. I’m not gonna say it always is, but kissing someone’s nip is not gonna facilitate the rest he wanted. Everyone is pointing more on his reaction to OPs bad action, instead of OP’s actual bad action. Y’all need to check your double standards.

    OP I’d give him a few hours to a few days to talk to him. I’m not gonna say you assaulted him sexually or anything, but you very clearly heard his request for rest, and went against it. I don’t think at the end of the day this will break you up, but this is a good time to talk this out. If he starts getting really angry or aggressive then you can keep trying, maybe seek professional help if you feel you need the 3rd party, or try another move.

34. Part of it was probably annoyance that you didn’t recognize or ignored that he didn’t want that intimacy

35. You need to understand this. In this sub there are some people who will tell you what you want and need to know. There are others who are desperate to try to make a connection with you so are telling you what they think you want to hear. Then there are some who are following their own political ideology in order to tell you what they believe you should feel. Only one out of the three groups are going to help, following the other two’s advice will actually make things worse for you. Before you follow any of advice given here, make sure you know why it’s been given.

36. If you are in three years with him still, you won’t be still thinking he is your blue prince for sure 😂

37. I hate to break it to you, but you do not have the wonderful boyfriend you think you do.

    >My boyfriend kind of acts “like a guy”, not like a jerk, but like “Am I supposed to know this stuff? You shouldnt even ask me about these things, I’m a guy”. So yes, he is that type of guy.

    This is what we call toxic masculinity. Also, it’s a really shitty way to treat a partner and will shut down communication. Communication should *never* be discouraged. You are not a mind reader. Being “a guy” doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to know certain things. He is human. All humans have responsibilities in life. If he is refusing to learn and grow because “he is a guy”, then that is a pretty juvenile way to go through life. What happens if he is single? Does he just go through life ignorant?

    >Then I hugged him and asked him if he loved me, he rolled his eyes and said “of course I love you, you shouldnt even ask”.

    If you are asking him constantly all the time, I can understand how it would get tiresome. However, it sounds like he doesn’t give you the affection you are needing. He expects you to “just know”. That’s not how it works. If you are a physical touch person (from the 5 Love Languages book), then you may need physical touch to feel loved. Or maybe you need words of affirmation to feel loved. His dismissive attitude will only make you feel LESS loved. This is not a good partner. He should be going out of his way to.make you feel loved and cared for. Not rolling his eyes when you want affection.

    >At some point I dont know what got me, but I lowered the strap of his white undershirt to uncover his nipple, I thought it was so cute and perfect and put it in my mouth. At that point he reacted right away, he was very upset and said “what the hell are you doing? Where the hell did you learn these things?” you could see it in his eyes that he was very, very ANGRY

    You didnt do angthing excessive or wrong. His reaction was disproportionate. Now, that’s not to say you should push him for things he doesn’t want. His consent matters too. But from what you have said, he did not communicate his desires well at all. If he wasn’t in the mood he could have said that. Blowing up at you is not acceptable. I have been with people who didn’t like nipple play, and they stopped me before my mouth got to their nipple, and said, hey, I’m not a fan. I said ok and we did something else. No big deal. For him to blow up at you and make you feel dirty and perverted for something totally normal?? That’s a huge red flag.

    Honestly, everything you have said specifically about him has given me big concern that he could be bringing you down. This guy doesn’t sound like he cares much for you.

    He is also 4 years older than you. That isn’t a huge difference normally, but if he has graduated college and you’re still in high school…. that could be a world of difference in life experience. I think you may be looking past how he is treating you because you think he is attractive. But he isn’t treating you well. You can do better. He doesn’t deserve you.

38. > My boyfriend kind of acts “like a guy”, not like a jerk, but like “Am I supposed to know this stuff? You shouldnt even ask me about these things, I’m a guy”.

    Knowledge or lack there of does not come from the penis – he seems hyper-concerned about how he projects his masculinity and sounds very toxic

39. He said stop it and you should have. Reverse the roles

40. I personally love having my nipples sucked…..and I’m a masculine male. I think your boyfriend is definitely old fashioned. Should he have reacted that way?? Hell no. That makes no logical sense to make you feel that way. I’m sorry that happened.