I (21M) am being asked and somewhat pressured by my (19M) boyfriend to get married. My boyfriend and I met on a dating app around three weeks ago. The first date went well, and we’ve been hanging out here and there ever since. We decided on the status of the relationship on the third day, which was very fast in general for me, but I wasn’t against it. while talking with him there’s certain things I decided to take a mental note of. The first of which being that he is diagnosed with bipolar. So is my best friend, I love her to death, and would do anything for her. The second, a year before we met he was married and has an ex-husband currently. I’m used to dating older men and this is kind of a regular occurrence, but it is a bit offputting for his age. Third, he is very sexual, which is to be expected with the diagnosis and age, but it is to the point where he will begin masturbating when we are casually hanging out or aggressively h*mping me while I am trying to sleep. Fourth, he does not understand how time works when I am busy. He gets upset multiple times a day when I’m at work because I can’t answer him fast enough even though my job is very demanding. I am now on a family trip states away and he’s still getting “hurt” when I can’t communicate with him 24 seven.
I am new to relationships in general, at least long-term. I genuinely don’t know if this is normal or not. The adults in my life growing up did not have a healthy relationship, so I really have nothing to go off of here. So I’ve come here for help. Who can tell me, how red is the flag?

29 comments

  1. 3 WEEKS??????

    THE FLAG IS AS RED AS IT CAN BE

    I can’t fathom why you’d ever think this is ok!!! It takes YEARS for you to decide you want to marry someone.

  4. The mere fact that he is pushing for marriage after only three weeks and is already divorced at 19 screams impulsivity. The fact that he gets upset with you for being busy and not understanding you are at work screams clingy. Thirdly the fact that he seemingly tries to make even regular things sexual all the time, without seemingly caring what you think or want, screams potential sexual harassment (which is very possible in relationships).

    I would end it, as in yesterday.

  5. Hey this guy sounds like a lot more trouble than he’s worth. The people you choose to be in a relationship with should not exhaust you like that. You should feel fulfilled, not concerned.

  6. Judging from the first sentence in your post, I’d say that the flag is blood red.

    You met him three weeks ago. The word “marriage” shouldn’t even be happening by accident…

    Also, remember that if he has a mental health disorder that isn’t under control, you’ll end becoming his therapist. And you know what the number one rule for therapists is? Don’t be emotionally involved with your patient…

    Also, he’s *humping* you in your sleep!?

    And, of course, he doesn’t understand that you have a life of your own.

    I think you know as well as I do that the flag is deep crimson. You’re just afraid of ending the relationship.

    Don’t worry. If you do it now, it’s still early enough that nothing bad will happen. Talk to him. End it. Block him everywhere. Go no contact. Be glad you dodged a bullet.

  7. Not respecting your opinions and making you feel bad for working and being with friends/family are all bad things.

    He is a month in and already playing manipulation games. And lastly…if he has been married before and already divorced I’d question his value of how important marriage is.

    All that says 🏃‍♂️ away!

  9. Sweet child, you are so young to be stressed out this way. I being bipolar myself am saying this is too much. He may have some kind of horrible porn addiction or something even worst he may be trying to hide. Talk to him about these issues regarding communication and respecting your work time. The constant lack of self control with his sex is another issue, suggest with love that he seek counseling for these things as you really do wish to be in a healthy relationship with him, but marriage takes time and his constant need for sexual stimulation is something he needs to learn to control. If he gets upset at you about it, then break up with him because he has no intentions of being a good man to you and only cares about himself. It sounds like there are somethings he maybe hiding from you, rushing in to marriage so quickly is definitely a hugeeee red flag 🚩, please don’t do it, it takes time to get to know someone at least a year (in my opinion). Best of luck to you OP.

  10. it sounds like he has a fear of being alone/heartbroken, hence how fast he wants everything to go. im sorry but you simply do not know someone in 3 weeks let alone 3 months, even a year. they say 4 seasons is when you REALLY get to know someone through every holiday, family event etc. this flag is burning red BUT this also sounds like yall just simply dont know each other yet which is NORMAL. **you need to start clearly communicating your boundaries and if he cannot accept them then you have to let him go.**

  11. 3 weeks………..

    These flags are neon and flashing, with an evacuation alarm going off in the background.

    Time to head for the nearest exit.

  12. Please dump him asap. This behaviour isn’t just a little odd, it’s way past any normal approach to relationships. You listed all the red flags, from the extreme rush to being divorced at 19 and pushing for the next marriage, to pressuring you about sex and being available 24/7. Accept them as the dealbreakers they are. None of this is healthy.

  15. He cannot possibly know yet all the things you’re supposed to know if you were right for each other for marriage.

  16. All the flags…ALL of them. This is a bit frightening, actually. And your intuition is telling you something. Please don’t ignore it.

  17. I tend to paint red flags green. But even I can’t paint over this one. RUN, change your name, get plastic surgery so you’re unrecognisable. The reddest of all reds.

  21. First sentence is a huge red flag, second sentence doubles/triples 100x it.

    Boundaries – none.

    Not normal, not healthy.

    How red? no room for any other colour.

    I suspect you may not be safe leaving so be careful of being stalked.

    You don’t have to learn only by experience – have a look into what makes a healthy relationship on youtube or reading, whilst experience carries for a lot, you can research for yourself as well. Good luck.

    [Healthy relationships](https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/healthy-relationships/top-tips-building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships)

  24. He may well be the one – the love of your life, Mr Right – but you won’t know until he sees a doctor and gets his medication right. At this point he’s utterly out of control and not himself.

    You can dump him, of course – that’s your choice. But if you’re thinking of sticking with him **do not** agree to anything rash or impulsive and make sure he gets treatment.

  27. These flags are so red that it is festive given the season.

    3 weeks is not enough time. Hard stop. He is likely trying to soothe abandonment issues by seeking contact and commitment way too early and with too much intensity. He is also super young, barely out of high school, and lots of younger people have romanticized ideas of intense love and passion that are exhausting in the real world.

    Tell him you aren’t comfortable with the pacing by phone or in a somewhat public place because he seems unwell and I want you to be safe. If he reacts poorly, reflect upon whether or not you want to stay in a relationship where you aren’t allowed to set boundaries that will allow you to have a job and other people in your life besides him.

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