Me (21M) and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months. We both only had 1 previous relationship. Everything have been going well and we have great chemistry. But when it comes to sex, she enjoys hardcore (BDSM level) and it is pretty clear than being a sub is the only way for her to feel any pleasure. While I don’t mind learning new things, I was never a BDSM guy. After reading a bunch of tutorials I still don’t feel like I understand what to do in a D/S relationship. I talked to her, she said she likes to have sex with me because we love each other, it’s ok as long as I feel good. But if she doesn’t get pleasure I won’t have motivation to have sex either. It just feels like she’s lowering her expectation every time and settling for an unfulfilled sex life. Juggling work, study and problems like these is really taking a mental toll on me.
5 comments
This is something the two of you need to discuss and work out.
Is she telling you and showing you exactly what she wants? If you are willing why isn’t she helping you learn?
I understand your concern man…my partner may not be exactly “hardcore” but she loves being tied up, handled rough and choked.
We have a great sex life, but there have been times where I know she wanted it to go further and I didn’t show interest.
Might sound lame, but being rough with a girl doesn’t really excite me. I tied her up and she wanted me to just use her, and I did not like it. It bothered me and felt “rapey”.
We still explore that side if we’ve had a wild night, but it’s not really for me. It conflicts with my principal of being a gentlemen and being caring to her.
If it’s only been 6 months and you think there is something there, I would definitely talk more with her about how it makes you feel…
This wont be a popular answer but I’d say yes – there is sexual incompatibility here and it’s no ones fault. If sex is at all important to either of you and you plan to be monogamous, relying only on each other to fulfill those needs, someone will be making a sacrifice at almost all times.
I am also of the camp that doesn’t believe kink or BDSM is taught. The skills and best practices can be – but you’re either into those types of dynamics or you’re not. Granted it sometimes takes trying things to know if you’re into them, but it takes intuition and creativity that I have found is lacking in every person I’ve ever given a chance to that had to read tutorials. That for me is the #1 indicator that I am sexually incompatible with a person.
For some reason the narrative many of us believe is that its shallow to break up over sex, it means you don’t really care for the person but thats bullshit. Sex is important in this specific type of relationship for most people and it shouldn’t be ignored because the longer you do the deeper the other aspects get which makes it harder to accept. The other narrative people buy in to which is totally false is that love is about sacrifices and compromise. Sure theres some of that – but I don’t believe sex should be the area thats happening in. If you cant sexually fulfill one another – just be friends. I don’t get why people see that as a failure.
That’s for her to decide, kinky people typically still enjoy regular sex. (Not always though)
My gf is into way more than I ever will be, it use to bother me like I wasn’t going to be the man she wanted in the sack. She would tell me all the time I’m the best lay she’s ever had (and still does occasionally). I use to beat myself up, and would express this by asking if I was boring in bed, or whatever.
She finally told me that kink stuff is just a novelty and meaningful sex is more important, and that she’s never had really emotional passionate sex until me.