Me(f) and my ex(m) (both early 20s) have broken up almost two years ago. We stayed friends (with benefits too), however we don’t live in the same city. So it’s like being pen-pals who see each other twice a year. We kinda became more flirty and more intimate this year.
The thing is, he visited my city in the summer because of his job and stayed for a week. We saw each other twice and it was alright. Then when the weekend came, he went to a trip with a couple and a female friend from his work place. I was annoyed because, 1. He never told me about this beforehand. 2. We never had a weekend-long trip together. 3. It feels double datey. 4. He spent the rare time we get to have together with other people. 5. I was hidden in his social media all throughout our relationship but he shared pics from his trip with this friends.
When I expressed my thoughts, he said that I was behaving emotionally abusive, because he thought that I was making it a problem just because he had fun time with his friends. He says that I have a problem with him having female friends and a life that is seperate from me. (In the begining of our relationship I had some issues with his girl friends, but it wasn’t jealousy, it was just the frustration of feeling like I was a secret.) I explained that the issue is not him having female friends, but him being intimate and affectionate with me, but not prioritising me. This all happened a few months ago and we sweeped it under the rug. I know that we aren’t technically together, but we had no difference from a long distance couple. Was I being controlling when I confronted him about this particular situation? I know that the wisest thing to do is to no longer continue a friends with benefits dynamic as our expectations aren’t compatible. I am concerned about whether I have emotionally abusive and controlling tendencies so that I don’t make the same mistake again.
Tldr; I got annoyed at my (kinda) ex going on a trip with a couple and a female friend when he could spend that time with me. Am I controlling?
1 comment
The moment someone sincerely accuses you of abusing them, end all contact with them.
It’s really that simple. If they think that of you, get rid of them. If they simply say that to try and silence or manipulate you, get rid of them.
It’s not emotionally abusive to feel hurt or to have mismatched expectations. It might have been a tad controlling to expect more commitment from him than he had actually offered you, but you’ve come to correct conclusion: This FWB deal isn’t working for you. He isn’t offering you what you want. Just end it.