Girlfriend says she’s attracted to me but doesn’t seem interested in sex

8 comments

1. It doesn’t sound like this has anything to do with you, so it doesn’t sound like there is anything you can do. She needs to figure out what she wants with regards to sex. And you just need to figure out how much time you are willing to give her to do so, when you don’t know if this relationship has potential or not.

2. >she told me that she’s been reworking her relationship to sex and thanked me for being so patient with her as she figures this all out.

   Mmm. I don’t think it’s unfair to ask her for a few more specifics on where she thinks this reworking is going.

   Like when they start construction on a new McDonalds, there’s a big board out front with an artist’s rendition of the McDonalds. You’re not asking for the McDonalds, you just want some kind of artist’s rendition of what the building will ideally look like when it exists. Oh and, as a bonus, it’s also helpful to have some ballpark idea on when the McDonalds is going to exist (Coming Spring 2023!), even if it’s wildly optimistic (Yeah right. You haven’t even poured the concrete yet…).

   And if she’s still vague or evasive… I think you gotta call it. This isn’t like a 10 year relationship that’s hit a dry spell. You don’t have a “before” to compare “now” to and work back towards. You’re not going to solve this by figuring out by going down the “20 things to spice up the bedroom!” clickbait checklist.

   You’ve done the limbo thing long enough and it sounds like you’re reaching the end of your patience. Have a real conversation about sexual compatibility and face the music.

3. Yeah. Really take the time an evaluate if you are ready to give her the time that she needs. Some people need more confirmation from themselves in order to be completely open sexually. You never know if she had a bad experience, or something happened in the past or even maybe just grew up in a “prude” household where sex was taboo to talk about or do. You never know but just give her some time. She could just be going through extra stress. If you love her then just be what she needs right now and if she loves you back, she will reciprocate.. no pun intended. Good luck!

4. There could be all kinds of things going on. I mean… think about if it was sexual assault in a previous relationship. Who knows, y’know? She’s said she’s figuring stuff out. To me that says that she’s not happy with how things are either, and she’d like to change them. I might try to take a more active role in helping her figure things out – maybe you’ve done this, but ask her if there’s support you can provide. If this is something you can work on together, it might be worth it.

5. OP, is this her first real relationship with another woman possibly? Do you both initiate, or is it only you? That might have a hand in it if it’s the case, and at that point, maybe she’s feeling like things are moving too quickly. Otherwise, maybe she had some trauma or could be repressed in some way. I have similar intimacy issues with my fiance, some of it due to trauma and the rest because I have a naturally low libido. It hurts him too at times, and i feel really bad about it, but it’s never intentional. He knows I love him very much, and I show it in every other way possible, but I am just not a very sexual person. it takes a lot of work for me to feel like I want to have sex, yet I’m very attracted to my partner and give him compliments, stare when he’s undressing, sit in his lap, etc. So I just think maybe try and expand on the conversation a bit and let her know that you’re not judging her for possibly having a different drive or working through old wounds at the moment.

   If it’s a matter of different libido levels, ask her if she’s taking any hormones, bc, or medication that could affect her levels. Or even if it is just naturally lower, to make things work, you will both have to compromise and meet in the middle. It might feel awkward at first, but that will pass as you get the rhythm back. Lastly, consider couples therapy as an option if you see a future with her. It could really open up the conversation to speed things along. Best of luck.

6. As someone who’s been there – Cut your losses. It was “hey I’m not comfortable yet” (despite a past of normal sexual relationships) for months. When we finally did have it, it was tepid, and not that great. She never allowed it often enough and as a result it absolutely stifled our ability to connect on another level. We literally skipped over the honey moon period into longterm relationship sex; the entire time I was constantly doubting whether she was attracted to me and it destroyed my self esteem.

   Her hang ups are not YOUR hang ups. This kind of situation can (rightfully) wreck a partner. I’d always encourage you to be respectful and supportive but absolutely don’t trash your own needs. At the very least, keep the conversation going.

   What were her last sexual relationships like?

7. I had a very weird relationship with sex when I first met my now husband. A lot of it had to do with being comfortable in my own skin and body. One of the multitude of reasons I married him was his patience and ability to help me work through it all. We’ve been together 8 ½ years now and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

   See if she’s willing to talk about what she’s working through. Assess if this is something you’re willing to work through with her. If this is a relationship you want to stick with.

8. You have to ask more questions. You have the right to ask more questions. She also has the right to not answer some of them about her past or personal feelings, but you are the two people in this relationship.

   I’d be asking about what about her relationship to sex needed to be reworked. (This could be about a past trauma… or she could have had so much sex in past relationships that she didn’t feel valued as a whole person or she didn’t fully know the other people… or something completely different. Then evaluate to ensure your cues, reactions, words, etc. don’t unintentionally support her concern.)

   I’d be asking if there is a specific goal or date or behavior or habit she is trying to achieve. In other words, you’d have a better idea if this goal is short term, long term, or an unknown timeline to be better equipped for how long you want to wait.

   Share that you want to help her. Reinforce (clearly but not harshly) that the physical part of a relationship is important to you and you’ve been missing it. Ask her what you can do to support her in her quest. (This does three things: confirms your support, gives you an answer if you can do anything that will help her move forward in her goal, and notifies her you are still missing this important aspect. If it comes to the point when she wants / needs more time and you don’t want to wait longer or it is not frequent enough for you and want to break up, it should not be the first time she hears that you have a concern about it. At the same time, if you have hope of this being long term and you care about her as a person, you want to be patient and understanding. So it is an important balance. Each time it is discussed, I would be careful to include all of the parts: you care about her, you want to help, and you miss the sexual intimacy of a relationship. This approach doesn’t send mixed messages.)

   Then, when you know the answers, you can evaluate and decide if you can stick with the relationship longer or if you need to cut ties – even if it is only until she gets things worked out. (The problem is – depending on what the issue/ concern is, many women and men best work these things out when they have a loving partner in a safe relationship to work these steps out with them. So, you might get into that when she answers some of the questions… and see if that changes your approach.)