I don’t know how the title makes this seem, but hear me out.
I started casually seeing this guy a few months ago. It was nothing serious, just flirting a bit and hanging out. I asked about possibly being intimate, and thats when he let me know he was trying to keep things casual because the women he broke up with a month before was pregnant. he didn’t want to complicate things, and he knew he couldn’t be with someone because he didn’t know what life would be like when the baby came. At the time I understood (I still do) and I didn’t think we would really develop feelings the way we did. I was very wrong. It got to a point where we would do couple things all the time, and well we caught all the feelings.
Bringing us to two weeks ago. The baby came. I won’t say too much about someone else’s child here but the baby is absolutely perfect. This is not one of those “should I stay with him” kind of posts, because I know I would like to stay with him and I know he wants to stay with me. Our relationship is one of the most solid things I have right now. I don’t worry about cheating, or lying, or even that he is with his ex and the baby so much. It is private but he does what he needs to do to make sure I am comfortable with everything going on.
The problem here is, I don’t know that I know how to be with someone with a kid. I understand it will take a few months to get everything adjusted, but at what point do I start to talk about boundaries? Would I be out of line to ask him on a trip for my birthday at the end of June? I won’t ask to meet his child, but at what point is it a red flag that he’s not even talking about me meeting his child? (I really love children so I know I won’t want to meet the baby too soon, because I wouldn’t want to get myself attached and then something happen. I will be carful about meeting the baby), but when is in normal to start having the conversation? On top of everything, we are not actually together. we thought it would be smarter if he figured our dad life and co-parenting first then we could figure out how I fit into that. But at what point should it start to be a red flag if we don’t start talking about things?
I know this is all personal, and the answer to all of this is honestly just “when it feels right for you”. But with my anxiety, and the amount of just unknown things coming up…..I just need someone/people to talk to and give me some indication of what to expect. Im flying dark here and I would really just like some kind of flashlight.
Please don’t tell me to leave him now, or tell me this is shady. Because I am at a point where I will not believe you and you would be wasting your time. if it is shady (and I do know it might be, I am having to trust him at his word, but I do trust him at his word) I will find out but I am determined to see how this all plays out. I will not be leaving him, not within the next 3-4 months at least while things settle down with the baby. I want to give this a fair shot, I just need to know what a fair shot would look like. You know?
1 comment
Well let’s look at the facts.
1. He is going to have a child that he has to support for 18 years. This means less money for himself/your family if you decide to have kids.
2. Potential step mom? Is that something you even wants.
3. He should not be introducing any potential relationship partners to a child until he is sure they will be a long term asset.
4. When the baby is born, he will have many sleepless nights, no one’s having fun for at least 6 months, crying, bottle feeding.
5. How does the mother feel about you does she know about you, would you be okay with another person trying to mother or raise your new born?
6. In truth it’s a lot, and your not even dating the man, if anything he wants to sleep with you when he can then run home to play family but I digress.
7. He’s not committed to you and you shouldn’t commit to him, date other guys during this time.
8. Whether or not this is a waste of time you’ll know in the future if you can date someone whose a dad.