I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for 4 years, and I’m very much in love with him. There’s just one problem.
Ive been going through an extremely rough family situation for the past year or so. My dad, who I loved and respected, completely abandoned me, leaving me to provide a lot of emotional support for my mom. It’s caused me a lot of stress, pain, and heartache. I’m working through it professionally, but I still get sad about it sometimes. It’s by far the most broken I’ve been in my life.
I’d say that about once per month, I have an anxiety attack about the situation. It usually happens at night, maybe starting 30 min after we’ve gone to sleep. I’ll start crying really hard and struggle to breathe and just feel really bad.
When this happens, my boyfriend just lays there. Sometimes he will get mad and turn his back to me. Otherwise, he completely ignores me. He’s always awake, he just never wants to do anything to comfort me. I feel so alone and unsupported. I’ve told him about this multiple times, and he always just says that it’s my fault for crying late at night.
First, it’s hard for me to control exactly when I feel sad. But I work on it a lot, because I’m sad every day but I don’t have a breakdown every day. Second, nighttime is usually the only time we get together because we’re both really busy during the day, and we don’t get much time alone. I guess what really frustrates me is, how can he see the person he loves most in such a distressed state and not care?
So, how should I respond to this situation? Do you have any advice for how I can get him to care more or how I could care less about him providing emotional support?
(Repost, removed “moral judgement”)
6 comments
He’s probably exhausted by it.
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My ex had anxiety attacks just like yours. She hated it when I tried comforting her. All I could do was say “you’ll be okay, I’m here” etc. I grew so tired of it as it was always every night. I still tried comforting her and she knew I was getting tired. Maybe your boyfriend is scared and very cautious of what he’ll say or do. I know I was at least. You should talk to him about it, ask him why he doesn’t. Try not to get hurt if he says his mind. Doing that will make things worse and you should try and flip that into positives on what works for you both
Is he the type of person to feel awkward or uncomfortable when others cry or are upset? Sometimes people don’t know how to react or feel as if they can’t fix it so they don’t try. Have you talked to him about your need for support from him? Does he know why you are crying? If my partner cried regularly and I didn’t know why, it might irritate me too. Try telling him what’s going on and that a simple hug or an “it’s going to be okay” will help a lot. If he responds in a negative way, consider if you will be able to live like that with little comfort for the rest of your life.
Some people were raised to deal with things differently. Men especially are raised to not cry and that if you have to it is personal and should be done privately.
If he comforted you in the past and doesn’t any longer, it probably has to do with the fact that he feels his comforting isn’t helping.
Truthfully it’s kind of on you to work through this and fix it.
this obviously isn’t a problem that is going away and it’s affecting you regularly. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on a loved one.
It kind of comes off as “Here, I’m broken and have a problem you didn’t cause but I expect you to fix it for me and help me through it. Also it’s going to be a recurring issue every few weeks and you need to put all of your issues aside and comfort me.”
Honestly when is the last time you have comforted him with his stress and problems. And actually comforted him. Has he even laid them on you? Does he expect you to solve his issues?
Relationships are great. Partners can help each other through things. But we can’t fix everything for the other, especially something as deeply rooted as parental abandonment. Even if we have been through it before it affects everyone differently.
I would STRONGLY recommend you seek counseling for your problem with your parents and recommend you have your mother do the same. It’s kind of disrespectful to lay it on your partner, and it’s too much for her to rest her woes on you.
This might sound judgemental, I assure you it is not. It comes from me being in a similar situation as you. I finally realized people weren’t annoyed with me because they didn’t respect what I went through, but because they are going through their own struggles. we can’t work through our own shit and everyone else’s.
Also remember. The worst thing that has ever happened to someone, is the WORST thing that’s happened to them. Many times that’s the worst possible scenario they can relate to.
For you that may be your dad turning his back and walking out on you. For someone else it may be watching their child get ripped from their arms and mutilated before their eyes…
When we look at the world with this mindset, suddenly our problems are put into a different perspective.
I found a note on my front door at 14 saying my dad, who I cherished, died never coming back from the coma he was in for the last 4 months after having cardiac arrest a week after surgery. This was my WORST experience.
I treated the world as if nobody could possibly have a more troubling situation than I had growing up…
As an adult, I realize how fortunate I was as a child.
Times weren’t always easy, but I could have had it a lot worse. We should all strive to recognize other people have issues to deal with, we can’t expect the world to drop everything and comfort us for our struggles we should do it on our own by seeking professional help.
Sorry for the novel.
He’s your partner, he’s supposed to be your emotional support when you need it. And wouldn’t someone that loves you want to try and comfort you in any way they could. You know, instead of BLAMING YOU for grieving????
Your boyfriend is trash, and as such, should be left on the curb.