My (22M) Gf (22F) has a very amazing family: they are all very close and make family events very often. On the other hand, my family is quite the opposite. I only see my uncles on birthdays and Christmas and we barely talk on the phone.
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My gf and I planned a 4 night weekend to the beach house her family has. From Friday to Tuesday. Even tho though my parents knew about it, they decided (with my uncles) to organize a birthday party for my grandma (93F) this Sunday. I told her that I want to go (because even tho her birthday was on Monday, maybe I don’t get to celebrate her 94th birthday). So instead of going 4 night we will go 2 nights.
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My girlfriend is very mad and upset with me. She told me that my family will never change (she left me 2 times in the past because she hates the way my family handles things, such as this one) and that she does not want to be in a family like this.
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I am very hurt by her words (even tho I fully understand her point) and I am afraid that she will dump me again. I would understand it, but at the same time, i feel that it is kind of unfair to me since I can’t do anything (trust me I’ve tried everything but they just won’t listen).
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I just feel miserable and I think that I had an anxious episode yesterday while she was mad at me.
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Today she didn’t talk to me until I told her that I called my uncles to try and change the date of the party but it’s not possible.
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I feel like we will break up and it will be my family’s fault (they won’t give a fck tbh). How can I cope/deal with this? I’ve been there but I improved the past situation (I have more independence on the weekends, my family invites her to dinner more often even if it’s no special occasion,etc).
TL;DR: My family planned a birthday lunch for my grandma’s 93 birthday and that interfered with my 4-night weekend plan with my gf. She broke up with me in the past because of my family and I am afraid that she will do it again
Just venting because it sucks.
14 comments
No, this really isn’t about your family. It’s about you.
All you can do is honour the original arrangement as best you can. Especially, if the family birthday was organised after your original invite. All families are different and this is just part of life. However, you have to ask yourself, if your parents knowingly organised that party to interfere with your plans, then you just have to stick with your GF.
There are times when you have to choose your significant other over family, and this was one of those times because you had preexisting plans for that weekend. There is a happy medium where you aren’t dropping your family for her constantly and she isn’t isolating you from your family by throwing a fit every time you look their direction. But this balance is YOUR responsibility. Is your grandmother’s birthday party more important to you than her? You could send flowers to your grandmother and leave a nice gift and card for your family to pass on, with apologies that you had preexisting plans.
In summary, drbeerologist is correct. This is about you, not your family.
This seems your fault. You know when your granny’s birthday is. It’s common to celebrate on weekends when relatives are off, so usually it’s the weekend before or after. You made vacation plans for yourself and your GF for that day. Had your parents not organized a lunch, you would’ve skipped it? That makes that story about celebrating her next birthday cos she’s about to creak just weird.
It’s not your family’s fault. It’s your fault for not prioritizing your gf and honouring the commitments you make to her. I would guess this is why she’s broken up with you in the past.
In this instance, you made a commitment to your gf to spend vacation time with her. Now you’re trying to weasel out because other plans have come up.
The right thing to do is tell your family you already have plans and unfortunately can’t make the birthday party. But you won’t do that.
When you planned a trip that you knew overlapped with your grandmother’s birthday, you should have known that there might be a party during that time. Committing to plans then breaking that commitment is the problem here. Your family can plan grandma’s bday party whenever they want, and I don’t see how they’re to blame here.
Part of the problem here is that you’re prioritizing the birthday PARTY over plans with your girlfriend. You could always go see your grandmother separately. Heck, you could even go on her actual birthday instead of for the party and have actual one-on-one time with her.
Instead, you’re significantly curtailing plans with your girlfriend in favor of an event with your family that you were not consulted. I don’t blame her one bit for her reaction because you’re putting your family as a higher priority than your partner.
If it were me, I’d tell the family “sorry, I have other plans, I’ll go see grandma on Monday” and then go on the already planned trip with the girlfriend.
Question: who’s plans were made first? The birthday party or the trip?
**Whichever one you agreed to attend first should be the commitment.** If you and her family had this trip booked/planned for months and grandmas birthday just came up this last couple of weeks then…. “Sorry grandma and family but I’ve already got plans made for that weekend.”
Your family can get upset that you already had plans. but it does not mean that you need to be a “people pleaser” and cancel/change plans for them to keep them happy.
Tough…
I generally agree you should stick to your original plans. But grandma won’t have another 93rd birthday party. And by your account you and the GF go to the beach house 2- 3 x a month…I would hope your partner could show some compassion and let this one go….. especially since you guys go to the beach house so often.
In the end not so tough.
If this is a deal breaker for her then….
And for people saying you should get your fam to postpone the bday celebration…..grandma is 93!!!!! We don’t know how much time she has left. The beach house is clearly not going anywhere.
I would not miss my grandmother’s birthday party.
But it also sounds like basically your GF spends a lot of time with HER family and also expects you to make those things a priority and you only really have problems when that comes up. I know I am going against the flow of commentary here. The mistake you made was agreeing to plans and then changing the plans so a few questions.
Do you often agree to plans and then change plans? Is it usually around family events? Does your GF expect you to be there for ALL her family events or just some? How often do you guys spend time with her family? How often with yours? Because I am not so sure it is so black and white with her family being perfect and yours not.
Maybe I am off base her but it also seems like your GF gets upset when she does not get her way and you are okay with her blaming your family for everything because you idealize hers?
I think ppl are forgetting the grandma is 93..
She won’t compromise for you. Kick her ass to the curb. Sorry but if my girlfriend wouldn’t do that for me then fuck her. You need a new woman in your life.
This sounds difficult I’m sorry. I don’t think it is a great sign that you two have a history of breaking up and getting back together. Her saying that ‘she doesn’t want to be in a family like this’ is also concerning. If my partner’s family was difficult, I would have a lot of empathy for him, not break up with him. I would ask him to draw boundaries and not let his family drama affect our plans, but your point is a good one. Your grandma’s 94th birthday isn’t something you should miss, especially not for a beach trip you take several times a month. The fact that she doesn’t see this as a reasonable exception worries me – does she care about how you would feel missing your elderly grandmother’s birthday or is it always about her, her perfect family, and her beach vacations?
I don’t understand. You knew your grandmas bday was Monday and you chose to plan a trip and be gone for that day. When your grandmother turns 90, 91, 92, 93, 94 you kind of stop and don’t plan anything else and be there to make sure you can celebrate her because who knows if that may be her last. Your family isn’t going to plan around your (silly poorly timed) getaway, and then you decided last minute to change your plans bc you realized how disorganized you were being.