I (25F) am having a hard time with adult friendships

Without getting too personal I was emotionally and socially stunted/isolated for most of my early 20s. Two of my constant companions that are my age are my significant other (SO) and my best friend.

My best friend lives far away but she has helped me get into therapy and helped me really see the benefit of it. My significant other has also been supportive of my therapy.

I started befriending my SO’s friends and their partners. However, the friendship seems shallow. But the only friendships I’ve had to compare it to are those from my teenage years and my friendship with my best friend.

It’s an unfair comparison as friendships take a long time to grow.

The reason I’m concerned about it is because I care about being friends with these people because my SO cares about them a lot.

And I also want more friends. Real and good friends.

The problem is, from what I’ve observed this group of friends is a little toxic. I feel like that’s a strong word, but the thing is they don’t like confrontation.

When they are upset, instead of saying something to the person, they talk about it in a separate group chat or go to each others’ apartments/homes and talk about it to each other instead of with the person.

It’s gotten so bad that they’ve cut off ties with one friend another one is on her way out (or she fears that she is) because no one wanted to say anything.

Is this normal? Or is this childish behavior? I get cutting toxic people off. I’ve done that with family and friends. But I at least tried to convey my feelings and thoughts before jumping ship. As I valued my teenage/childhood friendships, I do not miss these sorts of situations.

Should I keep trying to be friends with my SO’s friends (or keep it friendly at least) and just let my concerns go?

I don’t think my SO realizes that they sometimes purposefully ice them out too. They will mention something in our group chat and an hour or so later someone will say something off topic and begin talking about that while continuing to ignore my SO (which pisses me off).

My SO has come to their defense so many times it’s sad, sad because they aren’t seeing what their friends do sometimes.

The friend who thinks she’s going to get cut off has voiced her thoughts on the matter, not to me, but to my SO.

She thinks they will cut her off and if not that she thinks they talk shit about her constantly or hang out without her. Which they do. They all do that to each other.

Which I don’t get why it’s a big deal? When you go see your mom or dad you don’t bring your whole entire family to grab lunch. People can hang out without it being a crowd. It’s normal and healthy. It gives you 1 on 1 time.

But for some reason they make it feel like a big deal. Like if the person being excluded finds out it’s game over.

They’ve shared texts of other friends with me and laughed about it. It’s really disappointing because all it makes me think is they do this to everyone.

I guess what I’m saying is: there’s a lot of exclusion in the group. A lot of miscommunication because people aren’t comfortable enough to be transparent and vulnerable.

Am I wrong in believing that adult friendships, real ones (not “friends of pleasure” kind) need a pinch of vulnerability/transparency, honesty, and communication? Just like any relationship.

You can have so many things in common with people but if there’s none of the above then is it even a real friendship?

Maybe I’m the problem and I’m misconstruing how things actually are. The reason I personally haven’t said anything straight off is because I do fear I could be wrong but also I fear I could be right.

TL;DR:

I want to be friends with my significant other’s friends but they seem a little toxic. But what if I’m the weird one and I’m just misunderstanding the situation? For more context: I’m a little emotionally and socially immature due to being stunted in my early 20s.