The Dealbreaker

My (36M) SO (35F) and I have been in rough waters for quite some time now. One of the points at issue is that I feel she devalues my efforts. Monetary or nonmonetary investments into this relationship are all summarized as “you don’t look out for me.”

Today we were trying to patch things up and in the course of that conversation she brought up three things she found unacceptable:
(1) I asked her to give me the serial number of her stove
(2) I asked her to clean out the kitchen cabinet where the sink goes
(3) I asked her to buy a lock

I’m not interpreting here, her actual words were that in her mind, these are things a man should do. Especially if he calls himself “looking out for her,” he should absolutely do them. And she’s already compromised enough in accepting that I don’t just give her money for things like her hair and gas for her car.

And now for context:

(1)(a) Her stove had gone out. I was buying the parts to repair the stove and was going to do the work to install them. I needed the serial number to order the correct parts. We do not live together. She was home. (b) She says I should’ve gotten the serial number the last time I was there or (c) driven the 30-40 minutes round-trip to get the number myself.

My thing is, I’m paying for the parts and providing my labor and knowledge, saving her hundreds of dollars. She could make it just a little easier to help her out by snapping a photo and sending it to me.

(2)(a) She had an undermount kitchen sink which was improperly installed and as such, had suddenly fallen down into the cabinet. I’ve never done this exact type of sink before but for her benefit, I did some research and figured I could perform this repair. I bought all the metals and (b) upon arriving, I wanted to get right to work so I requested she remove anything from the cabinet which could be moved (Pinesol, dish detergent, that type of thing). Further, (c) if a professional were coming, he’d make the same request and she’d think nothing of it. And (d) as a matter of fact, I just recently had new windows installed in my home, and it’s a written requirement that you remove blinds, curtains, and furniture from the path of the window.

My thing is if you’d do it for a stranger, *why wouldn’t you* do it for me? If anything, I’ll always go above and beyond for someone I care about compared to a stranger.

In both these real life scenarios, her position is she had an attitude for my requests, and she’ll continue to have one. She goes on, “that’s not how she was raised.”

I’m like “yeah, but we both come to this as we are and the important thing is we figure out something new that works for us.”

Now for the lock…

(3)(a) Her side door has required a new lock for several years. Since it first broke, I’ve said “buy a new lock and I’ll put it on.” (b) My reasoning is that I don’t believe you should own anything (like a home) that you don’t know how to maintain, that goes for men and women. ACTUALLY doing the work of maintaining it is a different story. But at least you should have *some* level of understanding of your own property. If I die tomorrow, she should know that the plumber is trying to rob her by doing unnecessary repairs. (c) I used to ask her to watch me do certain home repairs. The idea then, much like asking her to buy a lock, is to impart the knowledge of “this is how this thing works.” I stopped asking her a long time ago because she would just have this terrible blank stare on her face during those times. It was a turn off, it made me uncomfortable, and she just looked angry, which she admitted was true. While I wouldn’t ask her to buy the parts for a stove, for example, the fact is a simple door lock should be doable. Not only that, locks can be style statements, or there may be features that pique her interest. She tends to go blank when I try to talk to her about these things so I was trying to send her on an adventure of discovery.

The thing is, during this conversation I ultimately relented and thought “I can kinda empathize with some of what she’s saying so fine, I don’t mind buying and installing the lock.” I completely bent on this.

But she refused to consider that maybe she should revisit some of her ideas. I don’t think it’s ok to think or say “If you’re helping me, it’s ok if I have an attitude for you asking me to make it a little easier for you.” Further, it shouldn’t boil down to “you don’t look out for me” because I didn’t do 100% of the work. Asking her for a serial number or a clean workspace means she did some of the work, disqualifying that as an example of me ‘looking out for her’. Hence her “justification” in thinking “I don’t look out for her.”

The ironic thing about it, a small glass window broke in her home (like a 5″x7″ sized piece of glass). I don’t know how to repair glass but I shrink-wrapped it until she could get it replaced (or was she waiting for me to replace it? 🤔😱). That was in the early fall and winter has swept in, that plastic is now broken and she needs help…

She said that this is a dealbreaker for her.

She broke up with my right after Thanksgiving and I’ve personally been dealing with some stuff unrelated to her, and today I tried to have a conversation for reconciliation. But after this conversation felt like having my eyes ripped open, I’m more inclined to leave it where it is. Please note, this is but one of many issues in a years long relationship.

BONUS:
Sometimes when she’s reasoned into a corner, she’ll change the definitions. At some point, “looking out” stopped being monetary (you know, like giving her money for her hair) and became more nonmonetary. When I began to lay out how only in very recent history I have done quite a bit to help her with her daughter, then she went back to a more general (read: unattainable) ideal of “looking out.”

TL;DR
My significant other maintains this idea that I don’t help her, despite the fact that I do. This may be what finally drives us apart for good.

**Do you think asking her to make it a little easier to help her is wrong?**