I’m 26 (F) in my first relationship and still virgin. Been dating a guy who’s 22 (also virgin) for 3 months now.
\> I’m curious to know what sex feels like but not extremely, If I don’t do it I’m not gonna die, it’s something that I feel is missing from my life tho. I don’t feel really complete also bc of not knowing what’s behind that door. My bf, instead, maybe because he’s a guy, Idk, is super obsessed with it.
\> Before meeting him I was so disgusted with the idea of even performing oral to someone but then little by little it just happened and turned out I LOVE giving more than I love receiving. I grew up as an obese girl, I was obese most of my life and then lost weight but I’m still chubby. My bf on the other hand is skinny and fit and this makes me feel even more insecure about my body. I hate my naked body, the stretch marks, the cellulite bumps, flabby skin etc. He always says he loves me and he won’t judge cuz that’s how natural bodies look like and it doesn’t matter to him but I just can’t help it.
\> Lately he’s been very obsessed with this whole sex thing, he constantly mentions it, he says he craves it with me, he asked when I’ll be ready. This topic has been the main source of infinite arguments in the past month because I can’t let myself go. Last night he said I’ve been teasing him for 3 months without actually doing it and he thinks If I keep doing so his sexual attraction could fade (this is just an immature thing from a 22yo guy imo)
It’s not him (I love him and I’m attracted), it’s a bunch of INSANE fears I have related to sex:
\- Fear of getting pregnant even if I use condoms (can’t take bc)
\- Fear of pain (terrifies the crap out of me)
\- Fear of not being attractive enough
\- Fear he’s gonna leave after the sex (he’s never done it, he doesn’t know either what’s behind that door,, he might realize we’re sexually incompatible and break up with me)
\- Fear related to the fact that I can’t get wet, I don’t even enjoy oral sex, and I don’t even like pleasuring mysef that much. I just don’t feel much pleasure.
\- Fear of emotional damage, it’s a stressful thing to think about.
3 comments
Have you used a dildo? That’s a good way to understand the feeling is sex. You will be fine using a condom. I was worried before I first had sex but loved it! Happy to dm if you need a chat.
You list a lot of fears. You know it’s fear. Do you think fear should determine your choices in life?
Some times you have to face your fears to conquer them. Perhaps you are capable of doing this with this man perhaps not and perhaps you need more help facing your fears and the roots cause of these.
It’s not a 22 yrl old boy thing, sex is a part of a coupled relationship. And not just for sex, but being afraid and lacking confidence is definitely a turn off for many so for your sake and for the sake of your relationship I recommend you find a good therapist to help you through you face your inner saboteur OR just do it (Nike) and free yourself. Something might happen sure but stuff happens all the time all you can do is nudge probability your way by making the right choices.
Good luck fellow human. (You can do this and you can be happy)
To begin with, face the reality here; most people have a sexual relationship. It kind of comes with the couple and twosome thing, that you ALSO choose a sexual partner. This is true to the extent where most people expect the sex thing to happen, and if it doesn’t it’s considered weird and like some sort of false advertising.
Your guy most certainly expects your relationship to eventually turn sexual, and as far as I am concerned, he’s said as much already.
Downplaying his expectations here, is not going to go well.
Instead, put your focus on deciding for yourself if you want a sexual relationship. If you don’t, it’s going to be pretty harsh (and the arguments and the bickering will not fade with time, rather intensify…) on you both. But therein lies the thought process you need to set in motion.
If you don’t really want a sexual relationship, you have to be true to yourself and admit that. And you have to allow him to be true to himself when he really WANTS a sexual relationship. But you two are not going to combine well if you don’t want the same thing.
I’ve simplified the reasoning a lot, but somewhat bluntly, that is what is at stake here.
A guy who is fond of you already knows a lot more about your body type than you wish to admit, for the simple reason that he has spent a lot of time in your company and has spent a lot of time looking at you and adding pieces to the puzzle, so to speak.
If you feel uncomfortable with how you show yourself, do things that play mind tricks in yourself so that it feels better; (no matter what you do, HE is already convinced that you are a beautiful goddess, remember that!) wear lingerie that does you great honour. Try candle lights instead of spotlights. And simple things like that.
If you are worried about pregnancies, make sure that HE understands your fears. He needs to be 100% on board with how this fear works in YOUR mind, so that he can support you and do the right things so that you are not constantly worried sick about it all.
Being worried about the pain…is a matter of understanding why the pain/discomfort happens, and learn how to avoid that. It’s the only way, except that it’s also going to work awful by default if you are worried sick that it won’t work. Anxiety makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy, and one way or another you need to overcome your anxiety.
You are already attractive enough. Silly Girl. He wouldn’t even *mention* sex with you, if he wasn’t all decided on that you are awesome.
For what it’s worth, it could turn out that YOU wish to leave because you two are not compatible in a way that you didn’t really imagine.
You are going to need to take small steps forward, if you are not really emotionally and physically really to have sex. You can’t quick-fix this part, but have to ease yourself into it one gentle step at a time; don’t rush things. But also don’t be afraid of admitting that you have an endgame and are starting to work towards it. If it takes a lot of time for you to figure out how you want to express your sexual desires (Or, you know, IF you want to) then let it take a lot of time; you can’t force yourself, and you shouldn’t force yourself. Force yourself to start the journey, if you wish, but don’t rush the result.