I’ve (30F) been dating my boyfriend (33M) since July. We have not exchanged “I love you” yet; in all of my previous relationships, the men said it first and I would reciprocate if/when I felt the same. Current boyfriend told me early on that he’s never been in love (and thus, I assume, has never told someone “I love you” in a romantic context). So I’ve been thinking it might take him longer, no big deal, I’m not bothered and haven’t given it much thought.
Then tonight, we were spending time with his extended family who we hang out with regularly. At the end of the evening, hugs and goodbyes were being said and one of his relatives hugged me and said “love you.” The natural response would seem to be to say “love you” back, *but* I didn’t say that because my boyfriend was standing right there and it seemed like it would be weird to tell his relative that I love them before I’ve even said it to him!
So the crux of my dilemma: bf hasn’t said ILY to me, I don’t feel ready to say it to him, but his family member has said it to me and I don’t want to hurt her feelings or anything if she continues using the “L” word and I don’t say it back. Any advice on how to navigate this? Am I even justified in feeling weird about it?
13 comments
You are absolutely justified to feel something (in your case weird) about it.
In my opinion the most important is this:
> I don’t feel ready to say it to him
If you are not ready to say it to him, how can you say it to the family? I assume the family member said it out of habit. Some people are quicker with the ILY and some take forever. Nothing wrong with either one in my opinion.
Since you asked for advice: Don’t worry about making the family member uncomfortable. Take as much time as you need for the ILY, for the boyfriend and then later for the family member. It will be much more meaningful.
To me it’s odd that she said it to you, but different strokes for different folks. I’d just a stick with a “it was lovely to see you” “so fabulous to see you guys!” etc.
To me they’re not REALLY connected, as in: why would saying ily to his family member be related to saying ily to him? But all in all I find it really weird to say I love you to a new GF of a family member…
Lots of people use the term loosely as a farewell. It holds far less meaning coming from an extended family member. I think you’re stressing over nothing.
For some people it is a commonly said phrase especially not romantically, don’t over think it!! She might say it to dozens of people in her circle. You’ve said you’re not ready to say it and you’re OK he’s not said it yet…. so there’s no problem!!!
You’ve been dating a man since July, a man who has never been in love, ever, and neither of you feel comfortable saying I love you yet? BUT you feel the need to reciprocate it to a family member?
Both of y’all should take a break and work on your attachment issues.
I think it’s just a phrase that’s being commonly said. Far different from the “I love you” you would get from a romantic partner.
For instance telling a best friend “love you” at the end of a night or something.
Agree that using the word holds different meaning coming from a partner vs family member. I like the suggestions below of exchanging a warm farewell with his relatives (however makes you comfortable — with or without saying love). I don’t think he would be bothered or confused by hearing you say it to a family member. Us women love analysis paralysis 🙂
I’m not sure I understand why people are afraid of words, like I love you. They are words. They aren’t a contract.
For some reason my brain thought July was 11 months ago when I first read this, which would be pretty extreme. But honestly, ‘I love you’ can also just be used as an expression of appreciation.
Like if an acquaintance does something really kind you might say ‘oh my god, I love you for this!’ but obviously you don’t mean romantic love. I think you’re just overthinking it.
I work in a hair salon and an older client always says “bye love you” when she leaves. I wouldn’t think too much about it, some people throw that term around pretty loosely.
This is way overthinking – ILY doesn’t mean the weight of the world to everyone as it would you.
Your boyfriend hasn’t said to anyone else before and you yourself have only been reciprocal in saying it – neither of you actually care about this so much.
This is a very no big deal
Coming from a dinosaur who don’t like people any females that I make friends with I say love u. not in love with them but I love them all the same. They become family, the homies that i kicked in the start get “love u bro” strange taboo is put on the word that ppl freak out when its heard. Some can’t ,some unsure what means and when to use it. Don’t worry. you show love when its the other type.
I’m with you. This is an awkward situation. I would just continue what you’re doing. The awkward moment passes in 5 seconds haha. Say it when you’re ready.