My girlfriend and I have a great relationship. Communication has been incredible, sex is great, I’ve met her extended family and we have been planning on moving in together soon. Everything has been going great except the fact that early in the relationship she said she would like to be polyamorous which is a deal breaker for me. She agreed we could keep it monogamous since we’ve been so aligned on everything. We really do compliment each other.
She moved from Atlanta earlier this year to the west coast. Before she left she met a guy on Hinge and they hit it off but never met in person before she moved, however they facetime a lot and are now good friends. I’ve always been fine with that, I have plenty of women friends and wouldn’t want her to feel insecure about that. While it hasn’t been direct I feel she’s more-or-less kept me a secret from him. He’ll facetime her while I’m over and she’ll angle the phone away from me and make an excuse for not being able to talk and promise to call him tomorrow. I would never snoop through her phone and try to not look at her phone when she gets texts as that’s been a pet peeve of mine in prior relationships, but I’ve noticed always angling her phone away when she gets texts specifically from him. I don’t necessarily try to see who she’s texting but at a certain point it becomes obvious. Again, I chalk it up to not wanting to be insecure and letting her have her own friends.
She has had a trip planned to visit friends in Atlanta for months now. She’s even given me a run down of her itinerary multiple times because she’s excited to see old friends. Just this week however, she drunkenly slipped on a detail and it came out that she will not only be seeing him but will be staying on his couch for four of the seven days on her trip. In the many, many times she has told me about this trip, he was never mentioned. I asked why she had never brought that up and she started to act in a way I had never seen; she was fidgety, talking so fast to the point of cutting herself off, avoiding eye contact, etc. She told me I was just being insecure and that it shouldn’t matter because I have women friends too and tried to turn it around on me. We sat in silence for a moment before I asked if he wants to have sex with her. She took a deep breath and said yes, he reassures her of this often then went out of her way to assure me nothing would happen because she would decline all advances he made. I told her the main difference with my lady friends is that they’re not actively trying to sleep with me and they also know my relationship status. When I ask why in the months leading up to this she never brought up the fact she’s planning to stay with him for more than half the trip and she said she, “didn’t want me to get insecure or freak out about it but can see now that keeping it a secret was a worse idea”. She kept reassuring me that he knew she was in a relationship — but only as of this week when he saw a photo of the two of us on her instagram. I asked what her girlfriends think of the situation and it turns out she hadn’t told any of them save for one friend in Atlanta who said she could stay at her place if she felt uncomfortable at his; so another free option of a place to stay but she’s choosing to stay with him. Other than that friend it’s all been kept hidden to herself.
I don’t want to be the insecure overly zealot boyfriend trope, I think it’s healthy to have friends of the opposite sex, I’m not insecure about her *other* male friends but I have a very bad, instinctual gut feeling about this one. The secrecy, keeping me off camera the few times they’ve talked, the forward admission of him wanting to have sex, the fact that she’s sleeping at his place when she has other options. She tells me I’m just being insecure and that she would stop any advances he would make and while I trust her, I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that she’s been hiding the fact that she’ll be staying with him for months and that he is only recently made aware that we’ve been together for some time. She has offered to get a hotel room if it makes me feel better but framed it in a way that it would be a big waste of money since nothing will happen. I’ve always trusted her and she’s never given me the feeling of being lied to before this conversation where she got very dodgy, accusatory and defensive when I calmly asked for some details.
TL;DR — For months my girlfriend has hid the fact that she will be staying with a guy who admits he wants to sleep with her. She will sleep at his apartment for four days of her week long trip. I am being told that I’m being insecure about it but I have a bad gut feeling.
Am I right to be concerned?
**UPDATE EDIT**: Thank you for all your comments. They confirmed my suspicions and hurt very badly. I went over to her place tonight and confronted her about it. There were a lot of tears and “but I wasn’t lying to you, I really wasn’t going to fuck him”, which may or may not be true. But as many of you pointed out, she had already lied and hidden both of us from each other. Through tears she offered to completely cancel the trip all together and begged to find anyway to rebuild my trust but I stood my ground. I still don’t know if I made the right decision, these posts are always only one biased side of the story so dogpiling seems to be a common occurrence but either way, we are now both single. As I was leaving she said through muffled sobs, “I would’ve given you such a great life, I really wanted your children”. I believe her, she truly is heartbroken. It sucks. But a trust violation is a trust violation and I refused to not nip this in the bud.
Thanks again, y’all. Cheers.
25 comments
Yo, idk why you even with her.
I ain’t sticking around after she says, she is going to put herself in a place with a dude who has a clear intent to do it with her.
That’s just a clear disrespect to me.
Yes, be concerned. It’s probably over.
I am absolutely certain that your girlfriend wants to, and will be having sex with this man.
>My [33m] girlfriend [28f] is flying across the country to stay with a guy she met before me on Hinge and is direct in his desire to sleep with her. Am I right to be concerned?
Of course. I wonder why you even ask. This is totally unacceptable. Her just proposing such thing is a good enough reason to leave.
You know something isn’t right here. Listen to your gut.
She’s lying to you and then calling you insecure. Who’s alarm bells wouldn’t be going off when they’re being lied to?
It’s really kinda despicable that she keeps saying she “didn’t want you to be insecure” as an excuse for her being secretive. Pinning the blame on you for some reason when it’s obviously her fault. Personally as soon as she said she wanted to be poly that would be it. Why bother overcoming this extremely fundamental incompatibility? Noone ends up happy in that situation.
Plain and simple yes
Sorry to say this but you don’t have a great relationship. It’s probably over tbh.
Your best negotiation tactic is to walk away.
She’s welcome to go wherever but your welcome to not be there when she comes back. I know it’s hard, but if it’s more important to her to do this than your comfort, you have your answer.
Women tend to use the “he’s insecure, controlling, (insert shaming word)” in order to shame you for having standards.
Tell her she’s welcome to go but you won’t be here when she gets back, and be prepared to mean it.
Sorry bud, best of luck
Umm she is going to sleep with him. I mean out of all the friends she has in that town she is staying with someone she has never met in person. Hello- she is taking this trip to sleep with him. When she gets back in your town ghost her!!
At least now what she has been doing all this time is out in the open.
I get what you have been trying to do. Reddit will applaud you for being the banner boy of civility and trust to your partner. In hindsight you should have shut that down pretty quickly before it blossomed into a relationship in her head. Now she’s 100% going to sleep with him on this holiday.
Look where all that patience and understanding got you. What a waste of your time and effort over the last while.
Finish with her today, I wouldn’t stay another minute. If its your house she can leave now, if it’s hers pack a bag and go. Do it with dignity and just coldly end things. Don’t get drawn I to snivelling or temper.
There are loads of loyal trustworthy women out there. Find one that wants what you want.
I left my last gf because she wanted to be poly and I didn’t. It fucked with my head for a while but now I’ve learnt that I should be more certain of what I want before entering a relationship then hoping for one of us to change during it.
Friends of the opposite sex are okay, sure. Not in a situation when that ‘friend’ is a result of getting to know somebody on a dating app for sexual purposes. Don’t let the insecurity play take you down. It’s fine not to be okay with your partner having certain friends of the opposite sex.
Yeh she is staying multiple nights with basically a stranger and not her girlfriends. This is a multi day fuck session planned. Your not being jealous here. This is inappropriate behavior on her part. I wish you the best.
If she is doing this now this early in the relationship, imagine the distrust you’ll have for her in a few years.
She’s cheating on you in front of your face
Yeah I’ve be very worried
You mean ex girlfriend, I hope?
I’m sorry my friend. Not only has she withheld i
Information, she has deliberately deceived both you and him to get what she wants. She knew she couldn’t be poly outright, so she decided to gaslight you and manipulate you to get what she wants immorally instead.
I know it hurts so badly to open your eyes to this, but you must.
The person you thought you knew is already gone. This sinister manipulation and control you’re under will only get worse if you let it.
You need to break the chains and move on. Have self respect, love and care towards yourself.
Reach out to your friends for the support and help you need in the coming time. Just don’t stay with this one.
You can’t start the paragraph saying you and your girlfriend have a great relationship and then have the post title
My [33m] girlfriend [28f] is flying across the country to stay with a guy she met before me on Hinge and is direct in his desire to sleep with her.
She is going to sleep with this guy, and this guy is going to do it.
Break this off and end it pal, before she does it
I think your girlfriend must be extremely manipulative when she managed to get you to even question if you are in the wrong here. I’m sorry but none of this is remotely okay or acceptable in a healthy, loving relationship. And yes me and my partner both have friends of opposite sex that we sometimes stay over at each other houses etc. This ain’t it. I’m sorry.
Concerned? You should break up with her. This level of dishonesty, disrespect, defensiveness, lying should be an immediate deal breaker. Can you honestly say that you can trust her now to go on that trip? Or on any other trip? What would you even base that trust on? She’s taking you for a ride, snap out of it man.
Either end it now or The night before she goes bang her one last time then never see her again. If you live together in a joint place/her place, then make plans to move out, if it’s your place pack her shit up and deliver it to a friends place/storage locker and change your locks. She’s betraying you now with an emotional affair that she’s planning to make physical.
She agreed to your redlines/boundaries and if she can’t handle them then she’ll do it again.
Sorry dude but this is over.
Edited to add
Does HE even know about YOU? I know you don’t want to go through her phone (he’ll check if he’s still on hinge), but i would get his details and drop him a text with a pic of you both and ask him does he know the hook up he has planned is in a relationship?
I didn’t even read past the title because I don’t have to. She is going to fuck that guy no matter what. End it or this will become a running joke that she could fuck other guys and you’ll stick around like a doormat. Have a partner who respects you
The fact that she said “I would’ve given you such a great life, I really wanted your children” is so fucking manipulative.
Good riddance.
the fact that you have to ask this….don’t get gaslighted even if you love her…. this is over