so i (F18) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M18) for 3 years this coming february. (we started dating feb 2020) when i first started dating him he was super close with his ex who he’d only stopped dating a month or so before.
anyways i was super jealous of her bc they were so close. i remember my boyfriend at the time kept it from me that he was still telling her that he loves her, and the only reason i found out was because he told my best friend and she told me. i also remember feeling guilty and wanting to get to know her, so i played minecraft with my boyfriend and his ex, and it was awful. they were pretty much subtly flirting the whole time. i remember at one point she said to him “oh you know you love me” and he went “you’re right, i do” and that was pretty much enough for me. i said i had to go and went and cried for like 2 hours.
i felt so guilty. i didn’t wanna be the kind of person to give him an ultimatum and make him stop being friends with who he considered to be his best friend at the time. this was also the honeymoon phase of our relationship, so i was really scared of upsetting him in any way. about 2 months go by and then she tells him she still loves him but he told her he wanted to be with me (or so i thought lol, i’ll explain more later.) luckily for me, a few months pass and they had a huge falling out. worked out perfectly.
okay so literally years pass until this past june 2021. the day after prom. i was on his phone for whatever reason with him looking over my shoulder and i found a groupchat we used to have with his ex and the girl she liked at the time. i clicked on her profile and started reading the messages where they had the falling out and laughing at how dumb it was. then to my surprise there were flirty messages not too far before. i at first thought these were from when they were together, but i was wrong. i read the dates. he then told me to give his phone back and i sat there in silence. i’m not necessarily proud of what i did next but this isn’t am i the asshole this is relationships, so i pretty much made him give me his discord password.
i read through the messages and i was so upset. he pretty much emotionally cheated on me all through the first 5 months of our relationship. when i thought i was super special and he was saying all these sweet things to me, he was saying them to her too. remember how i told you he rejected her and chose me that time she told him she still loved him? technically he did, but instead of rejecting her, he agreed to dating her if me and him didn’t work out (implying he still had feelings for her.)
but there was more! messages where he told her he wanted to marry her, so many i love yous, calling eachother hot, and even saying when we were out of quarantine he was going to kiss her and made her promise not to tell anyone. messages of her saying she doesn’t think we’d last and him not defending me, etc. just cheating, in my opinion. i think the only thing holding him back from physically cheating was the fact that we were in quarantine. but i don’t know for sure.
anyways, it’s been months and i’m so conflicted. what do i do lol, im so sad. it makes me feel sick to my stomach every time i think about it. he knows how i feel. he’s apologized so many times but it isn’t enough.
idk what to do. any suggestions?
TL;DR – my boyfriend cheated on my at the start of our relationship with his ex girlfriend and it’s been years and i can’t seem to move on. what should i do?
6 comments
Cheating is a deal breaker for most people…that sort of breach in trust is almost impossible to repair.
It will never be the same again, it might be time to move on, you are still so very very young.
Don’t force yourself to stay in a relationship you are not happy in.
Mine did something similar.. except it was sexual over text with his ex 6 months after we started dating. Didn’t find out until we were dating for a year. Almost at year two and I can only say it has hurt the relationship honestly. We have less toxic fights now but the resentment I carry has soured the relationship and he can feel my coldness. Hard to snap out of. I am slowly trying to accept that it’s time to move on at some point.
You were a rebound then and now you’re literally second-best. Don’t settle for men who treat you like the “last resort backup” option.
>i think the only thing holding him back from physically cheating was the fact that we were in quarantine
Well, now quarantine has been lifted. How can you be so sure that he _hasn’t_ physically cheated? Or that he doesn’t suspect you’ve seen the messages, and is talking to her in other ways?
>he’s the person i see myself marrying
No, right now you’re telling yourself that because you want to try hard to believe it and don’t want to admit to yourself that he’s been unfaithful and a bad partner to you all this time. His words are empty if not backed up by actions, and his actions tell you he doesn’t value or respect you. Hell, _I_ could make declarations of love to you right now and they’d have the same value.
Let me ask you this: do you have the confidence that if his ex wagged her finger, he wouldn’t go running to her? If not, don’t marry the guy and reevaluate if you’re willing to sign yourself up for a lifetime of resentment, misery, and doubt, just because you can’t let go of 3 years. A lifetime is _much_ longer than that.
He cheated on you. End it. Get therapy.
You can’t move on because he broke your trust.
Do you want to live like this? Worrying if he is contacting his ex? Checking his phone to see if he is?
It is clear he has NOT—–Moved on from her and deeply loves HER. And she loves him too. Why stay? You are this rebound for whatever reason. Not sure WHY—-They are not back as a couple. I find this disrespectful. You should too. You will never get PAST IT. She is Right though. You both won’t Last…….As long as he feels like this.