My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. He’s nice and affectionate. However, every now and then he gets what I call “episodes”. He gets triggered by something I do, such as refuse sex (which is a huge trigger) or speak about my ex etc, where he gets consumed by rage, sadness and just a load of intense emotions that end up in him shouting, curling up into a ball, crying, blowing up my phone with texts etc. Yesterday he created a huge argument over the fact he feels this way cos I’m not affectionate enough and don’t initiate sex and he went so far to say I’m mentally abusing him and basically acting like I’m attacking him with whatever I say, being super defensive, dramatic in his writing if its over text, such as:
Are you really doing this again????????
STOP
I’m gonna turn my phone off
This is too much
… meanwhile I’m literally trying to help and communicating my own emotions as well. He left after causing this argument, wouldn’t pick up said we’ll talk when we talk because he needs to protect his wellbeing. I was super anxious and confused not knowing if he broke up now or what also shocked cos I don’t know what just happened? Then he texts me a huge message in a few hrs apologising and saying he loves me etc. I don’t reply cos I’m hurt by his behaviour and then he gets triggered all over again… I tried to say he hurt me by what he’s done but he said I’m just inconsiderate of his feelings and why he did it anyway. I came home to him curled up, barely able to speak due to this emotional distress.
It doesn’t seem normal? I’m sitting here at 2 am while hes sleeping cos I feel so confused, worried, shocked, anxious and I know this doesn’t seem right. It makes no sense. I know I’m not doing anything – even if I lacked affection, his response is way out of proportion. I can’t even hold a normal conversation with him. I feel like I’m causing someone so much distress by just being myself and it’s honestly killing me. I feel like a villain and I don’t even know what I’m doing. After the whole incident I didn’t even make a scene I said I love you Im here for you we don’t have to talk if you can’t – I’m really trying to be considerate but it’s draining me so much as well I can’t sleep or function properly.
TLDR; Boyfriend has intense reactions and something doesn’t seem right.
15 comments
This is not normal, it’s childish, emotionally immature and manipulative.
If he wants to have any relationship in the future he needs therapy to learn to communicate.
It’s ok for you to not want sex but for him to do go to such extreme is not normal.
Men do look at sex differently, it is love and the act is the relationship in some cases of that makes sense. When they are rejected for seed( because girls are but always in the mood) they look at it as a personal rejection and makes them feel less than a man. It’s complicated.
Anyway, do you see him going to therapy? Do you see yourself dealing with behavior long term? People don’t really change, unless they want to and make the active decision to change. Sometimes being alone helps that.
> I’m really trying to be considerate but it’s draining me so much as well I can’t sleep or function properly.
You’re not his therapist. Trying to be one for him is exhausting.
Your boyfriend needs therapy, most likely there are some deep rooted insecurities. I haven’t been this bad, but I have dealt with similar issues as him. Therapy has helped me a ton in this!
Why would you want to be with someone so unstable and unpleasant? You’re not in charge of him. You’re not his doctor. You’re not his mom. Go live your own life and be happy and let him figure his own shit out and/or make some other woman miserable.
hey — it’s not your responsibility to fix or save this man. i cannot count the red flags and i am very worried for you. you are losing sleep, on edge, and living in fear. if he is this volatile, he should also not be in a relationship until he can treat his partners better. this will not get better and will only get worse. please, please, please: leave.
This is not normal. With someone like this you have 2 options. Try to help him control his “episodes” OR just run. People who are like this call these episodes but really, they are just trying to force you into doing something by acting like a literal child. It’s a type of manipulation.
He sounds like he’s been very seriously violated and or sexually abused as a child. Sadly it’s not your job to fix this. Maybe beaten and withheld affection. There soen deep deep seated trauma your not aware of. Unfortunately he’s causing the same issues on you now. If he’s not willing to go to therapy and get help. You need to leave and protect yourself. I’m sorry
He’s proba ly lying to the therapists he’s seen. He was probably raised by master manipulator /Abuser..
Sounds like he’s stressed out tbh, I’ve known lots of guys who get like that when they feel like they aren’t able to communicate with their partner, pushes it down because they don’t know how to deal with it.
Tends to come from shitty past and ex’s/family blowing up instead of talking.
Maybe try reassuring him and listening in full, treat him as an adult but one that was prevented from expressing themselves as a child.
This man needs years of therapy….
OP, these behaviors aren’t going anywhere, anytime soon. It will take him once a week therapy sessions for multiple years to get over some of these behaviors. (I say that as someone who has done just that, it is a ton of time and money, but necessary).
The problem is, he needs to talk about the “bad thoughts” in his head every week. It sounds like he’s very good at lying to his therapists, downplaying his rage, and/or lying to you about what they are saying. Meaning that he is not taking therapy seriously, and if that’s the case, you need to gtfo because he’s not ever going to change.
See the red flags and get out now!
This is an abuse tactic.
> After the whole incident I didn’t even make a scene I said I love you Im here for you we don’t have to talk if you can’t – I’m really trying to be considerate but it’s draining me so much as well I can’t sleep or function properly.
This is the intended result: to get you so burnt out, so drained, so exhausted, you are powerless to do *anything*, and you will say absolutely anything (“I’m sorry, I love you, I was wrong, please forgive me,”) just to make the trauma end.
You are being emotionally abused.
No none of this is normal
Omg first of all… are we dating the same person?
52m. Take it how you want. This is to much drama. Find a man who isn’t so much upkeep. This sounds exhausting and I’m positive my wife would not put up with this kind of crap. I feel sorry for women today dealing with these boys.
He’s being a baby because you refuse to have sex and being super jealous and insecure because you mention your ex.
*Instead* of having an adult conversation with you, he throws a tantrum like a child. If anything, he’s abusing/manipulating you. Leave him.