Firstly I want to clarify that I don’t think this is the case with most guys, but it surely has been the case with most guys I’ve encountered, at least online.
Most guys I have been talking to online start talking about sex like a couple days after talking, before we’ve even met in real life OR before we’ve even planned a date or whatever. You barely know each other at that point, so I personally don’t understand why anyone would want to mention sex that early on.
It has happened in different ways, but mostly in terms of them making a dirty joke about something I said, or outright asking if I have any kinks? For most of them, it also feels like when I turn it down or say that I don’t want to talk about sex or that I am pretty private about it, it seems like they respond less and less and get more bored about having conversations with me.
I don’t want to sound like a prude, because I don’t think I am, it’s just that I don’t get why you would want to discuss sex with someone without having really gotten to know each other. It’s one thing to start talking about it/making jokes when you’ve been on a date and have gotten a bit of a banter. But when you’re still only chatting and getting to know each other I don’t really get why you would start talking about sex or eventual kinks…
I might be thinking this way because I’m inexperienced and somewhat afraid of intimacy, so I could also just as well be the problem. I want to hear what you think.
16 comments
Online, like dating apps? I can tell u most people are using dating apps for hookups so they’re there to have sex and that’s pretty much it. So they’re gonna cut to the chase and bring up sex. There are some people on apps looking for something serious but I personally think it’s a rarity, at least in the age range I use. I find it helpful to just straight up ask anyone u match with what they’re on the app for. If they say to hookup or “have fun” or anything like that they just wanna fuck. If they say they’re looking for something serious then you’re good to go
I don’t use dating apps but i assumed they were jut for hooking up, so it makes sense that sex is something that comes up before meeting up.
I do like having the sex talk on the 1st date, however just so there are no surprises later on, for example our sex drives not matching up.
Not everyone has that view, if I was talking to someone new and sex was brought up I wouldn’t have any problem with that. Assuming it’s just an open and honest conversation about it. Now if the guy was like ohh tell me what your wearing I want to get off….blah blah blah then I’m out. But open and honest discussion is perfectly fine to me. It would be pretty awful to spend time getting to know someone then a month later sex comes up and I say i’m into this kink and they respond eww that’s gross…well I just wasted a month.
That doesn’t mean I’m right and you’re wrong, it’s just everyone’s view and importance on sex is different. If they can’t accept your view on it, they were only in it for sex or maybe their view is different and they moved on either way they probably weren’t the one for you.
It all has to do with where on the scale of everything, that sex lies in importance. On the other end of the chat is a guy and he’s talking to a girl. If sex is a somewhat high priority, they’re going to get on it early.
As an experienced guy, I will tell you that I will never again waste my time with anyone who isn’t on my same level of sexuality. I want no hangups, and I want the other person to have their own healthy and very active sexual imagination. The only way to ascertain that, is by talking about it. Early.
People just don’t wanna waste their time. For instance, if someone doesn’t give head, next.
Because sex is an important part of a relationship. I prefer to talk about it before meeting because I don’t want to waste my time or another person’s. If we’re not sexually compatible, I’m not going to waste days of weeks of my time getting to know someone that I know I’ll not be happy with.
Failing faster, determining whether you’re potentially compatible, setting the tone that they are very interested in sex (with you).
I am a sex positive person in an open relationship and men telling me that they can eat pussy well in the first few messages or stating it in their profile makes me want to gag. I do not want to know until I want to find out… it’s always unprompted and feel like they are stating their sexual resume.
ETA: talking about sex needs to be a 2 way, consensual topic. Just blurting out whatever thing you think will help your chances is probably not the best approach. However, asking first? And getting a “yes, that’s a topic I’m down for” is all cool.
Trying to gauge compatibility
I love talking about sex. But I also have a high sex drive and sexting is fun. Plus I want to know we are sexually compatible. Of course a relationship is more than just sex but sex is important to me and if we don’t line up/match on certain things sex can be awkward or weird or not even worth it.
It’s my highest priority, and it’s also the biggest difference between a romantic partner and a friend. I wouldn’t approve someone being creepy about it, but saying something about it pretty quickly should be expected i feel like.
I’m a woman and I think having a conversation about sex is okay.
I’m not really interested in meeting someone who is vanilla or can’t have a respectful transparent conversation surrounding sex, for example. This goes for both flings and long term relationships. It’s a massive waste of time to go on like several dates before knowing he doesn’t give head or something.
If I want to take things slow, I will openly say that. But I also want to get any major sex stuff out of the way too. Like I’m submissive and I will never be content with someone who doesn’t at least lean towards being dominant in bed.
Generally I like to talk about sex early on so I don’t waste my time with people who have differing views.
I have learned the hard way (in my marriage) that sexual compatibility does not grow with time and not having tough conversations early can lead to a lot of disconnect.
If someone wants to know if you are on the same page sexually and you shut them down, I can see why they stop talking.
I think it’s fun to talk about sex in a general, teasing way. I think that talking about sex should be fun and that it works best if you get along in a general sense. I love it when a guy has humor and you can joke and be sexy alternately.
It is a huge turnoff for me when a man focus all on himself and thinks that a womans wettest dream is to hear a man say “Hi! You wet? Suck my dick you whore!” I mean.. Plus I don’t get the need men have for pics, I know they’re more visual than women, but still.. Asking is okay, begging or trying to force the girl to send pics is not. Especially if it’s the next sentence out of your mouth.
Sex ends up being way better if you talk about it right from the start, in my experience.
They probably want to have sex with you