I (27F), consider myself an introvert. I graduated college 5 years ago, have a stressful but stable job, and live with four roommates.
My roommates are all friends with this girl named Adelaide (23F), so I see her a lot. She is a very pretty girl, and from what I’ve heard, from a wealthy family, but her social cues are non existent.
The first time I met her, she came right up to me and said, “I’m a mermaid, are you a mermaid too?” She is still a student at the university I graduated from (which her parents pay for) and carries an Ariel backpack everywhere.
She seems hell-bent on being my best friend. If we are at a party that we are both invited to, she would follow me around like a lost puppy. She has sat next to me during parties EVERY TIME. She would also compliment me a lot and randomly text me “ILYSM”. There are many times when she would invite me to go out with her college friends. Since I am not good at coming up with excuses, I just say “I can’t.” She doesn’t seem to get the hint that what I’m really saying is “I don’t want to”, and would say things like, “okay, maybe next week!”
One of her favorite things to do is brag about how she used to model before, and about her family vacations. She sends me unsolicited photos from places like Hawaii and Curacao, and brings me mermaid-themed jewelry gifts from her vacations. She keeps asking when I will “finally” come with her, something she KNOWS I can’t afford.
One time she was sleeping over at my house because one of my roommates, Catherine, invited her over. She saw me sitting on the porch and we started having a conversation. It was then that she confided to me about being on the spectrum, having been bullied all throughout school, how her uncle used to beat her, and how her ex-boyfriend abused her. (In her own words, he would “invade her personal space a lot.”)
I am really sorry about what Adelaide has been through, but I feel like I do not have the emotional capacity to deal with her issues right now, especially since I am dealing with my own anxiety right now. I remember being 23. It was hard. I genuinely sympathize with her, and hope she finds peace. But I am also not comfortable with someone trying to pretty much brute-force herself into my life.
For my birthday a few months ago, she bought me a travel gift card. I can only assume this is her way of getting me on one of her vacations. However, I feel awkward about it. What should I do with the card, return it? Also, what should I say to Adelaide if this continues?
Tl,dr: An autistic girl is trying to befriend me and I don’t know what to do.
49 comments
Low support needs autistic person here! The tricky thing is that you gotta speak her language if you want her to give you space. It’s that autistic vs allistic communication gap.
It seems like this is really hard for allistic people to do, but I think it would help if you told her exactly how you feel with no sugarcoat-y language included. Instead of letting her off easy, just say “I’m not in a place to make new friends right now”. You could get even more direct if you need to, something like “I feel bad for saying this but I don’t think we’re *compatable as friends”
Just be as clear as direct as you can. Just… don’t make her think that she’s being harmful if she isn’t. We are no strangers to rejection and a supportive “no” is better than what we’re used to.
It sounds like you haven’t been direct with her at all. She’s believing what you’re telling her because she’s even less of a mind reader than a neurotypical person.
You also sound like you don’t deserve to be her friend. She’s a fuckin mermaid! Meanwhile you’re judging her for being autistic, liking the little mermaid, and possibly having money.
From an autistic perspective telling her Ur feelings straight will save her years of regret and doubting if she’s brute forcing it probably comes from a place of wanting friends honestly so let her off now directly and avoid more hurt for her she will learn her approach is flawed in her own time
Since you feel this way you have to tell her exactly how you feel. She won’t get the hint. Just tell her directly. Any other way of sugarcoating or not communicating is not respectable fr
> She doesn’t seem to get the hint that what I’m really saying is “I don’t want to”, and would say things like, “okay, maybe next week!”
Yeah, no shit, she’s autistic. Even neurotypical people have problems with that. Be honest and direct.
Start here: “I am an introvert and I need a lot of personal space”. Just include this sentence in a conversation with her. Then when she approaches you and you don’t want her to, say “Hi Adelaide, it’s good to see you, but I need some personal space right now.” Yes it feels blunt and rude. It is also the only way she will understand what you are trying to say. I have a feeling people aren’t always honest with her. She will probably respect your honesty.
When she invites you to go out places, “Sorry, I need some time to myself right now.” All you need to do is say what you need. Say it in a kind way. You may have to say it a lot. It will help though.
She’s autistic and you aren’t being direct, she has no idea you feel this way and instead of trying to paint her as a creepy stalker and invalidate her abuse (being in someone’s personal space when they have told you not to and being autistic this effects her way more than NT people and can lead to meltdowns) you just say, I don’t think we are a good fit as friends and I would prefer some space when you come visit. She thinks you are friends right now or at least is trying to be your friend and since you haven’t said anything clearly about not wanting any of this she thinks it’s ok and will continue. Also giving facts about your life like being formal model and vacations she went on isn’t bragging coming from an autistic person it’s trying to relate to you by opening up about themselves. Autistic people literally have different brains than you, none of this was malicious. You said you have anxiety, working on asserting your boundaries clearly will do wonders for that. This explanation is not trying to come as an attack or being mean or anything, it may be blunt? Because I’m also autistic.
What was the point of adding that her parents pay for her college? You sound bitter about it
So some people here recommend you basically be rude, some people here are allistic and clearly don’t have many or any friends or family members who are on the spectrum and so don’t have any idea of what Adelaide’s behavior means or why she is acting the way she is acting and some people get it.
The people that recommend you be blunt but gentle? That you don’t shame her but clearly communicate “I don’t think we’d make good friends” or “I am not in a good situation to deal with more social commitments” or some variation of that? They get it.
They people that are calling her creepy and acting like she’s being a jerk? They don’t get it. They are applying neurotypical standards of behavior to an autistic person. It’s like blaming your cat for not being a good dog.
Her mind works differently. She’s not trying to brag, she doesn’t get that you’re poor, she doesn’t get that you aren’t friends and don’t want to be because you say “maybe later” and she literally hears “maybe later” not “not ever” If you want to say “I don’t think we’re compatible as friends” then say that. Say those exact words. No sugar coating, no beating around the bush. Just literally “I don’t think we’re compatible as friends”
You need to tell her that you don’t want to be her friend. She isn’t understanding your hints. Don’t say you need space right now, because Adelaide will read that as “leave me alone for a little while”.
Reading this makes me wonder if im not autistic too
set boundaries. she’ll understand
You do not give hints to autistic people. 2+2 is 4 minus 1 that’s 3 quick maths.
Otherwise you’re gonna fuck her over (not literally) once she finds out you don’t really wanna hang out with her.
It’s important to be direct with her. When you say you can’t hang out, what she hears is that you can’t hang out. If you want her to understand that you don’t want to, you’re going to have to tell her instead of expecting her to read your mind. Even her gift to you is a reflection of this: she asked you to go on a trip with her, you told her you couldn’t afford it instead of just saying you didn’t want to, and she thought you were telling her the whole truth, so she got you a gift card so you’d be able to come, and if she’d known you actually didn’t want to go, she wouldn’t have gotten it for you. You have to be straightforward with her—white lies work for allistic people who understand them as part of social cues, but they don’t fly with autistic people.
Wow this is so tone deaf and honestly beyond rude. An autistic person acting like an autistic person is bothering you and your response is to pseudo shame them in a social skills thread after they confided in you and literally just want to be your friend? Had you done a little actual research or even one google search you’d know the best way to communicate with neurodivergent/autistic people is to be kind but direct. Take some self accountability and say no. This is not a problem with her it’s a problem with you not bothering to learn how to set your own boundaries in a mature way and looking for some sort of vague workaround. Literally just say “I appreciate you offering the vacation but I’m not comfortable with this.” Or “we’ve been friends for awhile and I appreciate the time we’ve spent together but honestly would like to go our separate ways. We’re just different people and it’s nothing personal but I’m focused on other things and relationships right now.”
Honestly? As someone with anxiety too you’re just being a prick. As others have told you this girls brain is wired different. Anytime you think of her you’re just judging her for being born the way she is.
Stop leading her on because you don’t have the courage to set boundaries.
Saying no to people is a great way to get rid of andiety
These comments are weird. I am autistic, I’ll tell you my opinion.
NTs think differently and are used to dealing with others in an NT manner. Directness may not be a thing you are used to. These comments make it seem like it’s obvious how to interact with a neurodivergent person. On the flip side, I think neurodivergent folks should also make an effort to understand and learn indirect cues that NTs normally do…. these comments seem like they’re putting the entire burden of this communication on you….
Like what about the “ILYSM” texts? The unsolicited vacation pictures? Yeah okay I get it can be a way of trying to connect, but there’s also the flip side of taking into account the other person’s reaction and gauging if they are interested or not. That is DIFFICULT for autistic people, but it’s possible with practice. Understanding has to come from both sides imo.
At this point, I do also agree that it’s time to be direct. There is a respectful way to do it. This is difficult so I wouldn’t ding you if you weren’t completely polite about it.
“I appreciate your interest in being friends with me, but I am not interested in being friends with you. Your past sounds like you went through a tough time and you don’t deserve any of that. I have my own problems that I have to deal with, I am not in a spot to listen to others or help them out.”
After dealing with stuff like this, I personally prefer a “fuck off I don’t want to talk to you” instead of a series of indirect cues. I would literally thank that person for being direct and feel relieved, because I am tired of indirect cues. BUT, I understand that NTs assume indirect cues will get by and can perceive direct honesty as rude. It is necessary to make the effort, it is exhausting but it’s the right thing to do…
Be more direct if you have to. Good luck
While this may be an issue involving an autistic person, the root of this problem is something that can be generalized to relationships of any kind. You need to learn to set boundaries.
Dawg. You live with all of her friends so obviously she’s going to talk to you and involve you in her life. She knows you can’t afford a vacation so she got you a card to help pay for one, like the epitome of thoughtfulness since you work a stressful job. She’s confiding in you as a friend because she trusts you because you’ve given her zero reason to think you don’t like her. I bet you’d have less anxiety in your life if you were just honest to people you talk to instead of using introversion as an excuse to be shitty behind their back on the internet.
Just tell her you don’t want to be friends with her. Period. (You clearly don’t like her) leave her alone to be happy and, you go be happy in your own life around people you actually are.
Insulting her or making her feel like the weird outcast is just mean of you. My husband and daughter are autistic and they are my favorite people in the whole wide world.
I think you should carefully consider what the actual reason you don’t want to be her friend is. Is it really, actually, absolutely for sure because you don’t have the mental energy to be her friend right now? If so that is fine, but just think about it thoroughly and be sure that it’s not because of any subconscious biases that you may have learned from society or culture.
I’m so sorry someone wants to be your friend that must be tough 🙁 She clearly thinks you’re a safe person if she finds you at parties. Try doing something with her one on one instead of in a group setting. People on the spectrum tend to get overstimulated at parties and stuff so the things you find annoying about her may be a fight or flight response. Also her inviting you to these places doesn’t mean you have to pay for it unless she made that clear. She’s offering to bring you along which her family pays for. You said you have anxiety, if you don’t have many friends why not at least see how this friendship could go? Many of us are would be grateful to have someone keep trying to connect even when we seem unwelcoming on the surface.
I think the problem is you and not Adelaide
You need to start saying no. If this is part of her autism or ptsd or whatever it is, she’s doing it, you don’t want her to, you say no. Give her back the gift card and say you’re sorry it’s way too much and you can’t accept it. She invites you on vacation you can’t afford, say you can’t afford it and really aren’t interested in going. If she invites you out with her friends and you don’t want to to say, sorry, I don’t want to to that’s not really my thing. Be DIRECT. You know she struggles with cues so stop expecting her to respond to them, just be honest or if that’s hard which I get, be as kindly honest, but don’t lie or skirt the issue.
Speaking as someone on the spectrum here, although not anything like the girl you mentioned. Autists don’t get hints. You’re going to have to return the card and tell her, bluntly, honestly, that you don’t want to be friends. That may be considered rude to NTs, but its not to us. Thats all we get.
I don’t get why you seem to dislike her so much. Shes autistic, its a social deficit, of course shes going to be awkward about making friends. When she told you about her problems it wasn’t to have you help her with them. With me if I confide in someone like that its so they can understand why I am the way I am, why I come across the way I do. She was trying to say hey this is why I’m awkward, sorry, not burden you with her issues. I’m sure if she has money she has a therapist and doesn’t need your help.
Still, I don’t think any autist wants someone who can’t be a true friend. So give her the card back. Apologize for the misunderstanding. And tell her you don’t want to be friends, that you have to much else going on in your life right now.
if she dont understand social clues then instead of using social clues be direct for godness sake, every time someone ask this type of questions make me wonder about why so many people have problems with direct responses
Sounds like she was trying to connect with you. If you don’t want to be friends with her, just be direct and straight to the point.
And this is why I avoid people that aren’t on the spectrum/ADHD/any other type of spicy.
Reading this made me so anxious about every single time I tried to put myself out there despite the real chance that every word I say is the wrong one and I’ll be blind to it.
Be honest with her but please put yourself in her shoes.
Tell her there is a fellow traumatized mermaid loving autistic girl on reddit who would love to be her friend, and desperately needs a vacation. (Meeee)
just be direct, im saying this as someone on the spectrum. We cant read between the lines. Tell her honestly that you dont want to be friends because of your issues. I would even suggest moving out the apartment because they are all friends. She was coming off a bit strong with the ILYSM text. She does sound like a nice person because autistics are built differently.
I would say that you try to interact with her as the best possible version of yourself. She is just being the only her she can. She can’t put on an act. She can’t make social judgements. She can only be how she feels. She obviously sees you as an attractive, kind and caring person. If you don’t treat her with kindness and consideration now, you will look back on this time with immense regret.
Pretty soon, events will occur and your lives will take different paths. Then you will probably never see her again. That’s the way life works. A little time and consideration doesn’t cost anything. Good luck. ❤️
Kind of wish I had that woman as a friend. Even though I’m not into mermaids it sounds kickass having a friend that models, offers vacations, feels comfortable enough to open up to me, etc.
I also have an autistic baby brother. Reading this post just makes me worry about how the world sees him.
You said it yourself – she cannot process social cues from the context. You have to spell it out for her, but please be gentle.
Stop being scared and tell her you don’t want to be friends. She’ll most likely just move on to people who actually like her. It’s heartbreaking that you’re leading her on. We don’t get “hints” and you’re being hurtful by allowing this to go on. She deserves true friends.
Try finding a friend who she can connect with. It’ll save your feelings and she will appreciate you at a distance. She can’t tell the difference. You don’t have to but it would probably help her find the right friendships.
You have to be direct and clear.
But since you have let this go on too long, you will also have to find a way to not hurt her feelings.
_Taking notes as a 34 yo person on the spectrum; been ghosted by folks throughout my life_
be honest but use concrete words to pinpoint your reasons (use vague words like “we are not compatible” wont cut it). like, say smth like “i know you cant tell but u do things that neuritypical people tend to dislike, like…” and maybe also point her to this subreddit
I’m not autistic but I can practically feel it with my skin when people don’t like me yet try to “not anger me”, which is the thing that upsets me in the first place tbh. I would really appreciate it if they told me straightforwardly that they just don’t like me and want me to fuck off. Don’t be unnecessarily rude, but don’t be afraid of confrontation either.
I t sounds like you actually do like her in smaller doses. You also seem very aware that this situation requires some empathy to address. She may see your shyness and quietness as someone who is safe to approach.
If you are interested in being friendly toward her but putting some distance:
“I know you want to be friends with me but I’m extremely introverted and I can be overwhelmed with directness and people who are too clingy.”
“I know you like mermaids but I’m not into them”
“I know you want me to travel with you. But that’s just not something I’m planning anytime soon. And if I do plan a trip it will be with my family or my other friend first.”
“At the last party we were really stuck together, lets both try and circulate and both try meet some new people. New rule we come back to each other every other hour or we both have to talk to a newer person tonight”
“I have a lot of commitments with school and my other friends. I can’t give you the same level of friendship you are looking for in me. I can really only socialise with you when you come over to visit XRoomate”.
And then ask your roommates to notify you when she is coming to visit. Then you have the choice. Maybe to visit her for an hour and say “ok it was great catching up. I have some studying I have to go do. My door will be closed, nobody disturb me” or “it’s been fun catching up, I have to leave. Thanks for coming over”
I’m autistic and I appreciate when people are direct about what they want. Friend doesn’t want to hang out? Then they should say they don’t want to hang out – if they say they can’t, I might think it means the obstacle is other obligations rather than interest.
Given her behavior, I’m guessing you were friendly and tried to act like her friend… which led to her believing you’re actually her friend. She’s probably invested enough now that hurt feelings are unavoidable, but I feel like you need to tell her you don’t want to be friends and be direct, but nice, about it.
Send her my way! She sounds rad and my GF lives mermaids
I’m autistic, I’m not quite like this friend as I do get very anxious about people wanting to be around me (probably because I used to be like her, I guess and realizing everyone didn’t want to be around me when I thought they did made me so afraid to ever think anyone liked me)
I think you should just say it outright, you can be direct and it isn’t mean. I think it would’ve saved me a lot of stress to know right away instead of thinking I had so many friends for so long
Are there any other people around on the spectrum? They are often hiding in geeky professions. We really do get along best with our own kind. Just watch a bunch of Auties, the speed with which we communicate clear information is breathtaking. Trying to communicate with neurotypicals means we are trying to communicate in a foreign language. If she can be encouraged to hang out with us instead, she’ll find the connection she is looking for.
Sorry you are going through this. In typical Autie fashion I’m trying to solve it for you 🙂
Honesty over kindness – that’s the policy I live by. I wish other people lived by this policy, because their honesty likely would’ve saved me years of embarrassment. I really wish my friends could tell me the social-disaster behaviors that I have, but the only one who would even be capable of it is my only friend who is on the spectrum.
In other words: be HONEST with her; fully fucking honest. She won’t understand your perspective in any other way, because clearly she’s not great at reading in between the lines. You’ve just got to be very direct, honest, & matter-of-fact with her – & i’m pretty sure she’d take it much better than you’re imagining she would.
I think you should just tell her that you are focusing on yourself right now and don’t have space for new friendships right now. It takes the blame off of her.
If you don’t want a friendship with this person, don’t accept gifts like that. Kindly return the gift and say it would be inappropriate to accept it. Otherwise, you’re just taking advantage of her.
It might be awkward, but it’s better than taking things from people you don’t want to spend time with.
You have to be upfront about it. I know you feel bad, but at this point you’re just leading her on which does neither one of you any good.
I would return the gift card. Ive never been comfortable with expensive gifts period. My assumption is that the gift card has a nice chunk of change loaded on it if you can use it for a vacation.
People with autism connect through their interests and they don’t understand subtext very well. It’s wayyyyyy better to be honest. I’m an autistic woman and socializing isn’t easy. I’ve been on the receiving end of a confusing friend dump multiple times and would have greatly appreciate knowing earlier that they weren’t interested in me or my interests. Like, no hard feelings but I dislike being strung along because the other person doesn’t want to “hurt my feelings”.