Alexa (23f) and I divorced a year ago. We have two kids 3 and 1 who are loved by both of us very much. I financially support her and the kids with child support that is a very fair amount. We split up and for months we both thought good riddance. But for the past two months we have been growing closer as co parents and we talked and ultimately decided we’d both be willing to try again. Now, I’ve been with Beth (21f) for 8 months. 90% of our relationship has been perfect. We share values, we have real love for each other. She is really good with my kids. There are only two pressing issues that I have serious trouble with. Her anxiety makes it hard for us to enjoy dinner dates, she shuts down during tense moments making communication horrifically difficult and in these moments I try to be understanding but it doesn’t get better when I tell her how it makes me feel. My other, bigger issue is her bipolar disorder. She gets mad, slams doors, curses up a storm and snaps at me when she has an episode and her triggers are so small it can be super unpredictable when she will set off. Usually right after work. And after her episode she will shut down, neglect me emotionally for up to 24 hours until her brain chemistry resets. As of right now we only spend weekends together because I’m in the process of transferring job locations to move back in with her like we were previously arranged.
Here’s the drama, I left her recently and told her she needed to figure herself out without using me as an experiment subject for her mental health issues being worked on. She begged me to stay but in the moment I genuinely felt I needed to protect myself by leaving. Fast forward a little, I ended up at my ex’s house with dinner. The kids were there obviously and after putting them to bed we spontaneously had sex. It felt great, but instant shame followed right after and I could not get Beth out of my head. I wanted to go right back to her. I know I am an indecisive asshole. One hand I feel like I should try to be a healthy family for my kids especially if things are healthy right now in our parental relationship… on the other hand I’m madly in love with someone who really gets me, but needs help with her mental health.
TL;DR I can’t decide whether I should be with my girlfriend or baby momma
9 comments
I can’t tell you who to choose.
I will say it doesn’t sound like you have a comfortable life with your most recent girlfriend and I don’t think she’s a person who should be around your children right now.
It doesn’t sound like you’re prepared for a relationship with either of them.
If you’re talking to your ex wife about getting back together, you should absolutely not be dating. And you shouldn’t be talking about moving in with someone…WTH?
>I left her recently and told her she needed to figure herself out
Dude, take your own advice and figure *yourself* out first before dragging people into your mess.
You’re a father of two young children. Based on your post, you’ve been divorced from their mother for a year. Four months after that, you got into a relationship with Beth. All at some point in the past eight months, she met your kids, you moved in together, and you discovered she had a hair-trigger temper that leads to door-slamming tantrums and torrents of verbal abuse. I’m concerned that your children were exposed to this person.
You need to slow down. You are a single dad. This *entire story* took place in the first 2 years of your youngest child’s life!! I can’t tell you whether things will work out if you try it again with your ex, but you should stay broken up with Beth, AND you should avoid bringing any more “Beths” around your family. Come up with a sensible plan for when you will allow future new partners to meet your children—perhaps after 6 months of dating, for example. If I were dating right now and a guy wanted me to meet his kids and live together right away, I’d be running—it was a red flag both for you and for Beth that she DIDN’T run! Protect your kids by slowing down.
***My other, bigger issue is her bipolar disorder. She gets mad, slams doors, curses up a storm and snaps at me when she has an episode and her triggers are so small it can be super unpredictable when she will set off.***
How on earth do you think this is in any way or form appropriate setting for 3 and 1 year old children? Forget about yourself here, and what you want, how on earth do you even think building any form of relationship, when you have two small children, with this kind of setting?
Other than that, you should not date anyone. You have a 1 year old child with your ex, who you divorced 1 year ago. Then you started dating Beth 8 months ago, and you’re in the process of moving in with her when the first paragraph provides an image of her bipolar disorder. But still, you ended up having sex with your ex wife.
You’re not in a stable and secure position to be in a relationship at all.
Your current girlfriend is abusive. You need to cut her off completely.
You drew a very reasonable boundary with Beth. She needs to get her meds regulated before she can be in a healthy relationship.
As far as going back to your ex, you should slow things down. You broke up & moved out, so you’ve taken major steps: this relationship is in transition. Transitions are when change happens. You & Alexa need to sit down and design what your ideal relationship looks like together. You need to hash out all the issues and figure out the root problems. You need to come to agreement on behaviors that have been problematic and communication issues. This will take quite a few conversations. If you go back, you both need to have your eyes open, expectations on the table, issues thoroughly discussed, and a clear vision for a shared future that you’re both excited about.
Get rid of the girlfriend. Continue to coparent with ex wife and maybe get some counseling. maybe for yourself and couples counseling with ex wife to see if y’all can work o. issues i. cade you want to try again
It sounds like you should be single