I’m 32M with plenty of dating experience. It’s extremely rare for me to be interested in someone beyond 1 or 2 dates, I’m very picky. Whether that’s good or bad is for another discussion, perhaps.
My issue is that when I do finally meet someone who I feel could be “the one”, I get anxious, nervous and I lose my playfulness in dating. I’m a generally funny, witty person and it’s what makes people like me, yet just when I “need” this most, I tend to lose it and the girl gets bored with me. I get too worried about whether she’ll like me if I’m totally myself, I suppose.
This happened to me recently and it’s devastating; I finally like someone and it ends too soon. Also, she said this lack of flirting / jokes / fun was exactly the reason she wasn’t excited about me anymore, so that just reinforces it. We ticked all other boxes (both agreed on this) from physical attraction (amazing sex!), intellectually and emotionally.
How do I find peace and calmness in myself when I meet someone I am infatuated with? How do I maintain my confidence and authenticity? Do other people experience this?
22 comments
Have you ever wondered if the women you ditch early suffer from the same stage fright or inauthenticity as you and perhaps if you gave them a little more time you’d both fall for each other? kinda like you’d wish this woman would have gave you more time to be yourself
If it’s genuinely a you issue, then you may be self sabotaging or have an issue with commitment. I’d suggest therapy.
Yes, other people experience it for a variety of reasons.
Get tipsy
I think it’s great that someone gave you direct honest feedback, so you’ve got a good place to start.
Im not sure the solution is just finding peace and calmness. To know how to overcome your natural response (anxious/ withdraw), you first need to figure out why and how response got programmed into your head. Acknowledging the things in your past that led to that response is half the battle in moving forward. Breaking through this self-preservation reaction you’ve formed will be best achieved with a professional therapist.
This is easier said then done, but in all dating situations I just assume the other party has the best intentions. I’m not anxious because I “know” they are with me because they want to be with me. In fact, I can be confident to be myself and show a little weirdness because I assume they’ll be into it. Always thinking you’re on the precipice of screwing things up is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Especially at the beginning, you just have to have confidence with yourself, have faith the other person is going to be receptive, and trust the process. And if it doesn’t work out, well that happens sometimes.
Was she expecting jokes and fun delivered like a comedic act? I usually find the people man, woman, romantic not romantic who I lose the funny with its because they themselves aren’t funny, they just expect to be entertained. So was she giving back the effort to develop your mutual style of rapport, the in jokes between you, those cultural reference points to fall back on in random moments?
This used to happen to me (or at least I thought this is what was going on). After getting my heart broken a bunch of times, I realized that it wasn’t actually infatuation. Rather, something about those men triggered a childhood trauma for me and I felt like I *needed* their approval. I mistook that feeling for infatuation//love and every time it happened I would think to myself “this is it, this is the one.” Thinking back, those guys were actually pretty flawed people. Then I met my current boyfriend–I was infatuated with him, but still thinking clearly (unlike the other guys). It was exciting, but stable, and I didn’t feel like I needed to bend over backwards to get his approval.
I’m not saying that is what is happening to you. But it might be worth really thinking about some of these women and maybe speaking to a professional (I know–Reddit loves recommending therapy, but I do think it would help you parse through some of these feelings). It might turn out those women/relationships weren’t all that great to begin with.
Are you having the feelings about someone being “the one” after the 1-2 dates? Or do you mean you feel that way only with people that make it past the first two dates? If you’re getting these feelings of the one/falling in love after first or 2nd date, that could be the problem (brain is moving the relationship too quickly in your head).
I feel ya. Even when I am excited to chat with someone I feel like I ruin it with being too eager.
I see two potential dynamics:
1. You are clamming up from nerves because you’re getting in over your head liking somebody
2. She ain’t fun or funny to be around, so you slowly run out of steam entertaining her
Either way, I’d say you need to have some confidence. If scenario 1, you’re trying to hard to impress them and putting to much weight on the relationship too soon. Dating is supposed to be fun. If scenario 2, she’s not a good match because for whatever reason you aren’t creating a self-sustaining system and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it or take on all the responsibility for things not working out.
No wonder dating now sucks people think you have to check all these boxes🤦🏻♀️. It’s about clicking with that person. Do you feel some kind of vibe/attraction to that person? Why i gave up dating it’s too much and draining actually. Feels too much like being questioned by the fbi or something. Nothing towards you just generally speaking as this is something common on these post and in the real dating culture. About checking boxes
Tbh, if someone is into you, they see well past “acting cool” on a date.
Probably they are not into you and like most people, they dont tell you why exactly and will prefer avoiding you.
Honestly if a girl hits it off with you emotionally, intellectually, and sexually but rejects you because you don’t flirt enough, then you dodged a bullet, my friend.
But one of the keys to get rid of this neediness is to realize that when you have infatuation, you don’t love the girl. You’re infatuated with the idea of her and what she can do to serve your life dreams. But true love is selfless, so you have to be willing to give up a girl if it would mean that she would be more happy.
The more detached you become from the outcome, the more you can have peace and the more you can be yourself. You got this man
Having the idea of “the one” is a horrible outlook to have. It makes you overthink and then you screw yourself over.
I’m currently infatuated with a guy and that is super rare for me. It definately makes me feel anxious and insecure. I have no advice but yes OP this happens to other people.
If somebody is connected with you emotionally, intellectually and physically, then use that lame execuse to dump you? I think maybe only you connected with her and she didn’t tell you the truth. Dating these days is hard, and not people connect with each other at all levels.
You’re not alone- I have the same issue. It’s so rare that I actually like someone so when I do I lose my cool. Best to keep asking yourself why you feel fear, what is the worst outcome if this fear comes true, and try to be at peace with it. It’s a technique I learned in therapy.
Also helps to continually remind yourself that they are human too, probably also get nervous, and that no matter how much you want to believe it, they are not perfect. When you feel you’ve put them on a pedestal, try to bring them back down. You don’t know them yet.
A person must know themselves, so they can be true themselves, then they can grow themselves slowly gently, carefully – like tending to a garden. Eventually they will to maintain, sustainably, love for themselves naturally… when you can love yourself like this, then you know what you must do to keep your cup full. It’s easy to give to the needy with love when you have a full heart and soul. You can know what it means to be enough for yourself and only then are you going to be able to love someone else
When one does not love oneself, they cannot love another. Such attempts will be self sabotaged every time
The only real advice I can give you is that you should be talking to more girls at the same time and never stop doing that unless you guys are exclusive, in love , etc.
That way it’s pretty much impossible to get infatuated by someone…cos there’s multiple people.
You know what I mean bud?
I think many people find themselves feeling anxious or nervous when they connect with someone they can potentially see a future with. My advice is to remember that’s ok and the other party is probably nervous too! It’s ok to take some time to find your footing and be yourself because I’m sure that other person want to get to know the true you. Also in my experience, it’s ok to let them know you’re a little nervous. They will probably appreciate you saying so and give you a chance to settle in and be yourself.
You start by loving and accepting yourself and realizing that for anyone to love you back you need to be in love with yourself.
I think you’re too focussed on the outcome of things to be getting it right in the present. Perhaps seeing the big picture and not all the little pictures that make it up. All the flirting and dates and days lazing around and fights , dinners, chats, breakfasts, showers.. all of it.
Try to just live in the moment, if you feel yourself taking things too seriously and losing your playfulness do something that you know can restore it a little. Do something spontaneous for yourself to pep you up and improve your self confidence.
Most importantly, maintain YOUR OWN LIFE AND SENSE OF SELF as your utmost important task in life. You cannot have a healthy relationship without having your own life. Interests, hobbies, friends, opinions, thoughts, tastes.
You may be able to win the girl over again, if there were no fundamental issues other than this you may be able to work on it. It’s a form of relationship anxiety/ anxiety and you can seek many forms help for it, including hypnotherapy, which works to kick in at times where you feel you are losing yourself and not behaving the way you’d like to be, there will be a sudden shift where you are able to move past those blockages and be your authentic self. Fearlessly. X