I (26F) am worried about my live-in boyfriend’s (31M) drinking habits. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he’s had the same drinking habits that are now beginning to worry me. In the beginning, I thought it was cute that he had his “thing” and how attractive he looked sipping on a whiskey neat. A glass or two after work was the norm; he never got aggressive, angry, or belligerent.
Within the last year, I noticed that sometimes when I would call to check in, his words would be slurred and slowed. When asked how much he’d been drinking, he’d get upset and say “only one” when I knew it was closer to 3 or 4. It irritated me so much when he would get like this on a random weekday at 6 pm. If he tried to initiate sex I would (and still do) become upset and reject his advances- it’s such a turn off for me. On my birthday this year, he was too drunk to even come and sing to me and watch me blow out my candles. He was passed out in our room with my parents waiting for him to come out.
I’m not sure if he’s an alcoholic- he keeps his job, he doesn’t need an “eye opener”, and i feel like i’m the only one nagging to him about his drinking habits.
What prompted me to write this was that last night while I was grocery shopping, he asked me to buy him a bottle of whiskey. that 750 mL bottle from last night has about 100mLs left in it. Around the house, there are about 3 whiskey glasses scattered where I know he forgot one drink and then went to pour himself another.
He grew up in a home where alcohol was used as a social buffer, neither of his parents seem to be addicts (from what i am boldly assuming). I grew up in a house where my mother always criticized my father’s drinking habits and I fear that’ll be my life with this man.
His eyes are becoming sunken and his skin looks like a 40 year olds. I don’t want to be his nurse when he’s 60 and in liver failure. Am I overreacting?
TLDR: Worried about my boyfriends drinking habits.
7 comments
Oof, this sounds like something to be resolve over time.
First thought that comes to mind was, what changed. How did he from 1 glass increased.
It might help if you get to ask him if he is havibg any trouble, bored with work and such. Sometimes people just rely these vices to feel better over something thats been keeping them on edge.
I do drink at times, my partner also rejects my advances when i’m intoxicated 🤣 so i know if i’m drinking I’m not getting some tonight Hahhaha.
I digress, if there is an underlying problem that sparked more frequent drinking. Than that would be something that would be good to resolve.
If it’s addiction to liquor, than resolve that.
Not sure if any of my advice would be helpful, just thought this would be a likely direction you can approach your rls.
No, you aren’t overreacting. Alcohol can really take over people’s lives and it’s awful to watch, and it is fine to want a partner who doesn’t drink, or at least drink to the point they miss important events and waste whole days hung over. Especially if you grew up that way, you know where this road goes, and it’s not pretty. Check out /r/Alanon, you may get better advice.
Sadly your BF sounds like me when I was younger. Here are some random thoughts that may help you:
1- Best case scenario here.. he is abusing alcohol. Normal healthy drinking is having a few to relax, not drinking almost 26oz of whiskey on a week night and passing out at your birthday party. You don’t need to lose your job or get a DUI to have a drinking problem. The word “alcoholic” is stigmatized and probably outdated.
2- There are 2 scenarios here. He either agrees that he has a drinking problem, or he denies it. If he agrees, you should see if he wants help. If he does, guide him towards an addiction counselor, a doctor, Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery.. whichever you think will resonate with him more… or all of the above.!
3- If he denies it despite (very obviously) having an issue, just Google “signs of alcoholism” or “signs of problem drinking” and show it to him. If he still doesn’t accept it, or calls it all BS, or whatever… then he’s probably not ready to stop and you’ll have a decision to make. (Leave, or stay and put up with a problem drinker who will probably get worse over time if left untreated)
4- as another commenter said, try addiction support group, such as Al Anon. These are groups of people who have been through similar situations.
5- sadly large parts of society kind of encourage this type of drinking at worst, or tolerate it at best. Because of this it may simply not compute to him that this is not healthy. His friends and family may be blind to addiction and mental health, and may not help. But if you can find a close friend or family member who IS in touch with addiction/mental health, they could be a valuable partner in getting your BF help and coming up with a strategy
6- your personal experience matters. Drinking was a problem in your household growing up, and you don’t want it to be a problem in your household now. That is normal. Even if he objectively isn’t “that bad” and you’re “over reacting”, it’s fine for you to have preferences. I don’t drink anymore but I do smoke a bit of weed in the evening.. if someone hated weed, it would make sense that they wouldn’t date me. Relationships are all about the little things. If you’re with someone who drinks every day, and it bothers you every day, you’re basically signing up to be bothered every single day until you die.!
That’s all I’ve got. Good luck
This isn’t going to end well and it’s going to be completely on him to change if he wants to.
No you’re not overreacting. He has problems. He should get into rehab and therapy or you leave him 🤷🏾♀️
You are me 24 years ago. DO NOT STAY! I’m sorry for yelling but I really want you to hear me. My ex was the light in any room but after 3 drinks he was the darkness. It gets worse. The lies and excuses make YOU feel crazy, your not. He IS an alcoholic and it WILL get worse. He will tell you what you want to hear and then go so as he pleases. Don’t lose one more memory making moment with this guy, cause he doesn’t care to make memories with you only to hide in the drink. I’m so sorry you are going thru this. Please hear my words and escape while you have your sanity.
/r/alanon is full of stories from the people who regret staying with an alcoholic.