Those of you that have been through a brief separation/break and got back together with your partner, what were the pros and cons?
For context: my wife and I have been married for 2 years now. I grew up in an extremely loving home where we shared our feelings and handled our issues head on while my wife grew up in a household where those things were frowned upon as almost ‘weak’. She’s always struggled to voice her feelings and had an even harder time working through problems. We’ve had our ups and downs but at the end of the day we still love each other. She recently shared with me that she feels lost and unhappy with herself and it’s starting to affect our marriage. She says she wants to time some time to herself to figure everything but says she will be back. I was taught that a marriage is a partnership and you go through things together, for better or for worse. She is adamant that some space will make us both realize what we have is special and we both want to make it work.
4 comments
I get people need some time at times but for doing what? They have to tell clearly. If they can’t speak about their issue with their spouses they aren’t mature enough.
Almost everyone can survive jail time, real test is surviving total freedom.
If it’s going back to parents, seeing a therapist, taking some time off from job and daily chores. And still be available in case of an emergency. It’s perfectly fine.
But if it’s alibi to go to bars with random people, meeting ex, going on solo wanderlust, ending up blackout drunk. that’s bullshit.
She mentioned she feel something missing in the marriage!!! Looks like a bad news .
Me and mine “split” for like a day mid-quarantine. Married for over a decade at the time. The way you describe her sounds like me. Unless it’s you in particular that she’s needing a break from, it will not help. I would suggest to her to start writing, anything and everything. Once she’s done getting all of her thoughts and feelings on paper she can write you a letter and you can write her back. This will give her time and the ability to think through her own stuff. I suppose most people would suggest therapy for her/me but it seems like we have very supportive husbands and I hope she can find some clarity in her brain to be able to communicate with you. Best of luck!!
Our split was a combination of a few things, coming to a head like most situations. For *once* he responded “if you wanna leave than leave. I’m going to get cigs if you’re not here when I get back I guess I’ll know”. I panicked like normal and took off like a bat out of hell and drove to my hometown 3 hours away. By that point we were talking through custody arrangements. A couple hours being out of town I was over the helpless feeling and just wanted to hold each other. I came back home and we have been working on our issues. The pro was that we both realized what needed done in our relationship/with ourselves. The con was it sucked(sucks) knowing how much I hurt him by leaving. He still has some trust issues with that, especially when he knows he’s been a punk but if I had the choice I would have stayed and talked it out like we had with every other problem we’ve came across.
Nah, that would be a no from me. Either stay and fight and grow together with the one you’ve pledged your life to or just go… You can experience growth within the relationship. You can seek counseling or therapy within the relationship. This halfway in, halfway out stuff would hold no interest for me and if my wife suggested it I would just counsel her to go ahead and draw up papers.
Your wife doesn’t want to participate in your marriage. It seems to me that she was planning on living her life as an independent person while being married. She doesn’t want to be bothered with the actual obligations that come with a married relationship. You keep pushing for her to be an equal partner, and now she is tired of that. So she wants some time away from you. That is what this is. It’s not a break or time apart or time to fix herself. It is time away from you.
The only reason I would suggest living separately is if you have exhausted all options to resolve an issue to the point of the situation becoming volatile. My parents also lived apart for many years later in their marriage for economic reasons. But if you both aren’t in agreement that this is necessary for your relationship, then it is just her trying to get away from you.
Why? Because she doesn’t like you. When I have a problem, I go to my partner for comfort and reassurance. Not away from him. And if she can’t produce an actual reason for this break, it’s clear to me that she just doesn’t want to be around you because of who you are. She doesn’t want to say that because she is enjoying the convenience of the marriage. I would focus on that and get more answers now.
There is no point in her taking a break from you, resetting her tolerance for you, coming back, and playing house for however many more months or years. That’s a waste of your time. If you keep letting her get away with this behaviour, it will never change. If she isn’t booking therapy sessions in advance of this break, then I don’t see what good it will do for your marriage when she comes back. Don’t be threatening or aggressive, but I would tell her I need more information now, and if she can’t produce it, then she just should go and not plan on coming back.
She is your wife. You are entitled to make your expectations of her clear and have her work to meet them and vice versa.