My wife and I have been married 3 years but have only been having intercourse for 1 year due to her medical issues. I enjoyed finally being able to penetrate her but quickly got bored with her lack of desire to be anything other than a bottom.
A marriage mentoring program we completed after getting married (we did not do premarital counseling, which I heavily regret) revealed that we are both worried about the other’s sexual desires being different from ours. I like a lot of variety and am into a couple different kinks, which she tolerates but does not get enjoyment from, while she simply enjoys having me on top of her and doesn’t identify as having any kinks.
Our discussions about changing things up have largely been me pushing her to spend more time thinking of different positions and develop her list of things she enjoys. This has spawned a couple arguments and generally been counterproductive. In the meantime, our sex life has withered.
I have gently brought up my desire to have her be a top sometimes, but the few times we have tried it, she hasn’t embraced the role. I would like her to assert her power over me physically and verbally, but she is very passive in general. How can I tell her what I want directly without making her feel insecure or triggering another argument?
2 comments
The shy types that are more or less willing but too insecure to follow through, can sometimes be brought out of their shell by reassurance, good talking, and generally being led slowly out.
However, your words and tone suggest your wife may be the more “entrenched” kind that may not be willing to consider it.
If I’m off-base, feel free to respond, but in those cases you have a much tougher path.
When you say “change things up” and encourage her to come up with things she enjoys – are you open to the idea of these being things that are different but maybe not in the wheelhouse of her “taking charge”?
I feel like we’re touching on two separate issues in this post.
You want variety. But you also want her to take on a top role. These are not mutually exclusive goals.
What if the things she comes up with are creative but still involve her being a bottom? Is that okay/helpful to you at all?
As far as her being a top – I mean, she may be willing to do it for you sometimes. But if she doesn’t enjoy it, she is naturally going to be less inclined to do it often. People do things more that they enjoy and avoid things they don’t enjoy.
So the question becomes – is there a path to her enjoying it and if so, what does that look like? That will probably net you a more frequent showing. If there is no path to her enjoying it, how often is she willing to do something she doesn’t enjoy for your benefit and are you okay with that being the reality of the dynamic?
Thing is, if you can’t even get her to figure out more “creative” ways to bottom, which she actually enjoys, I don’t see much hope of getting her to figure out a version of topping that she likes.