I (27F), consider myself an introvert. I graduated college 5 years ago, have a stressful but stable job, and live with four roommates.
My roommates are all friends with this girl named Adelaide (23F), so I see her a lot. She is a very pretty girl, and from what I’ve heard, from a wealthy family, but her social cues are non existent.
The first time I met her, she came right up to me and said, “I’m a mermaid, are you a mermaid too?” She is still a student at the university I graduated from (which her parents pay for) and carries an Ariel backpack everywhere.
She seems hell-bent on being my best friend. If we are at a party that we are both invited to, she would follow me around like a lost puppy. She has sat next to me during parties EVERY TIME. She would also compliment me a lot and randomly text me “ILYSM”. There are many times when she would invite me to go out with her college friends. Since I am not good at coming up with excuses, I just say “I can’t.” She doesn’t seem to get the hint that what I’m really saying is “I don’t want to”, and would say things like, “okay, maybe next week!”
One of her favorite things to do is brag about how she used to model before, and about her family vacations. She sends me unsolicited photos from places like Hawaii and Curacao, and brings me mermaid-themed jewelry gifts from her vacations. She keeps asking when I will “finally” come with her, something she KNOWS I can’t afford.
One time she was sleeping over at my house because one of my roommates, Catherine, invited her over. She saw me sitting on the porch and we started having a conversation. It was then that she confided to me about being on the spectrum, having been bullied all throughout school, how her uncle used to beat her, and how her ex-boyfriend abused her. (In her own words, he would “invade her personal space a lot.”)
I am really sorry about what Adelaide has been through, but I feel like I do not have the emotional capacity to deal with her issues right now, especially since I am dealing with my own anxiety right now. I remember being 23. It was hard. I genuinely sympathize with her, and hope she finds peace. But I am also not comfortable with someone trying to pretty much brute-force herself into my life.
For my birthday a few months ago, she bought me a travel gift card. I can only assume this is her way of getting me on one of her vacations. However, I feel awkward about it. What should I do with the card, return it? Also, what should I say to Adelaide if this continues?
Tl,dr: An autistic girl is trying to befriend me and I don’t know what to do.
13 comments
It sounds like you need to set some healthy boundaries and be comfortable with doing it because it’s a practice you’ll have to repeat your whole life. Adelaide is a special circumstance being on the spectrum but the approach still stays the same.
You’ll never be able to control or change the way people think or react about these kinds of circumstances and that’s okay, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Tell her you want to talk to her and just let her know the truth. That you find all of these redeeming qualities in her but that your life is a little too busy and hectic right now to have any additional expectations from anyone, even friends at this time. That you appreciate her gestures but that you need space from the frequent invitations and attention from her. Let her know this isn’t an attack on her character or who she is, but that it’s something you need to take care of well-being and that you hope she’s able to understand and respect that from you.
Let us know how it goes, whichever decision you make !
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Don’t assume she will ever pick up in your hints. It will feel unbearably rude, but say what you mean. “I don’t want to go out with your college friends.” “I don’t ever want to go on vacation with you.” “Please don’t text me that you love me, it makes me uncomfortable.” “I’d prefer if we just socialize when you come hang out with your friends at the house but not separate.”
If she’s not an asshole, she might be a little hurt, but she will respect the boundary.
she sounds kinda sweet. and don’t get pissy bc she cant catch hints, she’s autistic for christ sake. if it bothers you that much then be more direct
you know she doesn’t get hints – many people don’t, you don’t have to be neurodivergent to not do hints – so start (gently) telling her what you want instead.
if she unloads her feelings on you, ask her if she told her therapist, cos you’re not a therapist and thats a thing therapists deal with. she may not have one and needs telling she would benefit from it
use the card on a holiday you want to go on, then tell her what a wonderful time you had. gifts should be taken in the spirit with which they’re given, so book a holiday, for yourself
I’m sorry that I don’t have any advice but I just couldn’t help but laugh when you said she confided in you that she was on the spectrum. As if her claiming to be a mermaid wasn’t a dead give away that something is off with her. Lol
I’m an autistic girl, and I don’t get along with/like every autistic person I meet. It’s a very very awkward situation trying to set those kinds of boundaries, regardless of any circumstance. At this point, you just need to tell her, “Hey Adelaide, I appreciate you wanting to hang out with me, but I don’t feel we have enough in common or enough to talk about to be friends. It’s not that you’re a bad person, I just don’t feel we click.”
It is never wrong to set those kinds of boundaries with an autistic person. In fact, it’s much more helpful to us than just stringing us along and letting us think that we’re friends. I’ve had “friends” who’ve done that to me and it was awful. If you’re polite but firm with your boundaries, yes she’ll be hurt now, but it’ll hurt a lot less than if she finds out you never liked her as a friend. Autistic people need VERY clear boundaries or else we’re gonna trample on them without realizing.
You’re not a bad person for not liking her or not wanting to be friends with her. Some autistic people are annoying and aren’t compatible with your personality; same with allistic (non-autistic) people. And honestly, it’s way more ableist to be friends with us because you pity us and see us as a charity case than actual people. Most of us are capable of hearing the word “no.”
Be honest and direct about your boundaries in as kind a way as possible.
You need to be very, very clear and direct about your boundaries while also remaining kind. Being kind does NOT mean leaving the door open or any wiggle room.
Here’s an example. I am not interested in going out with you and your college friends. I am not interested in travel with you either (do not caveat or explain just clearly state the issue). It is, however, nice to see you here at the house when you are visiting your other friends, and I am happy to chat with you sometimes when I am home and I have the time & energy. Sometimes when I am home I need to decompress and am not feeling chatty. I will let you know when you are visiting where I am at.
She continues you text you are not obligated to respond.
Oh gosh, this sounds really exhausting. First, I don’t think you should feel bad. You do not have to alter your boundaries for someone just because they are on the spectrum. It’s not her fault she’s autistic, but it is her responsibility to learn how to get on in society. She should really be in therapy to try to learn social cues and to talk about her feelings.
I think you should just be honest with her in a kind way. You can tell her that you don’t think you two really click and you don’t want to travel with her. If you feel up to it, you could ask her if she’s open to feedback on how she socializes. If she says yes, you can tell her the things she’s done that made you uncomfortable and how that can hurt her attempts at socializing. Often autistic people prefer it when others tell them directly what they’re doing wrong. Otherwise they’ll just end up with no friends, which doesn’t help anyone.
Ex “I don’t feel that we are close enough for you to be telling me about your traumas. I would recommend speaking with a therapist about these things.”
“When you say you love me, it makes me uncomfortable because I do not know you well enough for that.”
When she comes over, try to stay in your room or make other plans if possible, also.
What I’m getting from this is that you know she’s autistic, but you’re not incorporating that into how you communicate with her at all. If you want her to understand that you aren’t interested in a friendship, then you need to actually say what you mean. I think you’ve gotten a few comments already with great suggestions as to how to phrase it.
I would send a text saying “I know you would like to be friends but I can’t give you what you need in a friendship and I would prefer distance. My space, time and energy are important to me, I’m a true introvert. Thank you for understanding.”
Generally speaking, for autistic people, things like picking up on hints, reading social cues, and intuiting boundaries aren’t things we’re naturally capable of. We have to work hard to learn those skills and we all learn them at different paces. Many autistic people will never achieve true “mastery” of them according to allistic standards. We’re wired for direct, explicit communication. For people who aren’t autistic, our communication styles can feel harsh, rude, and overly direct, but for us it’s just practical.
It may be uncomfortable for you, but I strongly encourage you to push yourself to be incredibly direct with Adelaide. Although it may hurt her feelings, most autistic people I know (myself included) would rather face a clear rejection than have to try to figure out what something is thinking or feeling. You don’t have to have some big conversation with her or anything, but a clear and kind text would work.
Perhaps something like, “Adelaide, you’re a sweet person, and I want to be honest with you because it’s the respectful thing to do. I really appreciate the travel gift card you gave me. It was a very generous gift. However, it’s not something I feel comfortable accepting. I’m going to return it to you and, in that vein, I’d appreciate if we could take a step back. I’m happy to continue hanging out with you with our group of mutual friends, but we’re at pretty different places in our lives and I’m not comfortable pursuing the kind of one-on-one friendship you seem to be interested in. I apologize if this feels harsh, because that’s not my intention at all. I just thought it was better to be direct and honest.”