Am I the only one who does this? I don’t like confrontation. She too so she says. She certainly doesn’t have much problem voicing her displeasure. We don’t fight a lot and aside from the big ones, the other times are always about something I feel insignificant. Example, we argued about socks. Socks of all things. I placed the kids socks where they always were and she was annoyed I moved them. How was I suppose to know not to move them? “Well, you could’ve asked!” …I gotta ask to move socks now? “It’s not so hard!” …are we really arguing about socks? I moved them, they’re over there, I’ll go get them, wtf?
It sounds ridiculous but the major problem is she makes such a fuss about these kinds of things, the mood gets extremely tense! I’m no saint to live with but my damn, I feel like walking on egg shells all the damn time to really avoid these situations. I replay fights and even make up fights in my head sometimes almost like prepping for future fights and get tired because of it. I just started noticing my face gets tense with a semi-angry/annnoyed expression when I think about these things when I’m alone.
It’s not healthy. She and I do work well together in many many other aspects of life. But this thing drains the hell out of me
5 comments
What might work better is to replay the fight to help you find out what you might have said better. The goal shouldn’t be to win the fight but to avoid it altogether.
When you are both calm, talk to her about ways to communicate better so you aren’t bickering.
Tiny things done over and over can really get on someone’s nerves and cause a bit of a blow up sometimes. For example…if I asked you to refill the TO when you use it all and you continue to leave me stranded on the pooper cause you’ve used it all.. that’s super frustrating.
Nah man. I get the temptation to do it and all, but have you ever see a homeless person talking to themselves on the side of the road? It’s like one step removed from that. It is not sane or rational to have an argument with someone who isn’t there. Furthermore, it builds up resentment for your spouse and your own ego. “If she said this I’d totally come back with THIS and just destroy her argument!” It’s a seriously unhealthy behavior that almost everybody falls into without even thinking about it. You should really try to break the habit and speak up to your spouse directly.
Nathan fielder?
I’m convinced some fights are about unwinnable situations. She’s probably not mad that you moved the socks, but might be mad at a general feeling like you don’t understand what she does domestically, don’t notice, etc. I understand this argument you had deeply and have it often with my wife. She’s a control freak and really likes things planned out and to go in accordance with her plan – when that doesn’t happen – she gets mad, usually at me. I have to fight my natural reaction to get defensive, and instead think how I can help her express what she is feeling. I’ll say something like: “I can see that made you upset, that wasn’t my intent. I’d like to know more about how that made you feel.” I just make it not about my feelings and instead focus only on hers, which usually leads to better feelings for us both.