This has been a bit of an undercurrent issue for the last couple years, but finally came to a head last night. We’re currently traveling in Canada. Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling extremely queasy and nauseous. Despite that, we got on a four hour flight, which took a lot out of me and left me exhausted after. While the nausea went away (probably something I ate the day before), that tiredness lasted all day, and when we finally turned in for the night, my husband turned to me and began to initiate sex. I was just so absolutely beat, I couldn’t participate as enthusiastically as him and said I didn’t think I could do it that night but perhaps tomorrow.
He kind of clammed up, didn’t let me get close to him in bed, kept shifting away, and then after maybe an hour he got up and left, in the middle of the night, without telling where. He was gone for a couple of hours and then returned, by which time I had understood that he was upset about me saying no. I was curled up in the corner of the bed when he came back, and he just got in and pulled me close like nothing happened.
In the morning I asked him where he went, and he said for a walk. He also said he was upset last night but didn’t tell me why. Just said, “I don’t know.” But this sequence of events has happened before in different iterations, and I know he gets upset and annoyed when I turn down sex. We both have high sex drives and typically are on the same wavelength with frequency, but the few times I’m tired and say no, it irks him. He’s not once turned me down when I initiate.
We’ve spoken about this before. He says he understands that I’m tired and doesn’t want me to push myself to say yes, but I also don’t find it fair that he’s effectively punishing me for that choice by being expressively annoyed and pushing me away. Is this normal? Should I let him be and express his annoyance on the matter? I can’t help but wonder whether I’m overreacting by being upset about his getting upset.
tl;dr: husband pushes me away and treats me as if I’m to blame when I occasionally turn down sex because I’m tired. We’ve spoken, but I’m unsure of what else to do.
42 comments
Sexual coercion is so ridiculous and toxic, withholding affection as punishment is also abuse. Is therapy an option if you’re planning to stay?
this is a form of abuse OP
He needs counseling to see that this is a huge huge problem.
STAT
What he is doing is not normal or okay!! You are NOT overreacting.
He has a hand. You are not a blowup sex doll to perform on command.
It sounds like you’ve got some communication issues to work on, and if this is happening in the bedroom I’m sure there’s more communication mishaps happening outside of it.
You two should consider seeing a couples councilor, because this isn’t healthy.
I’m on the other side of this as I take rejection very personally, hope it’s okay to respond. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria along with my adhd. I can also be impulsive so for me if someone says no to something I request, sometimes I need to absent myself temporarily to make sure that I am respecting their consent and boundaries, which comes before their feelings or my own. The feelings do matter though immediately after that.
Like, it’s not your fault that he’s upset. And it should be okay if he has emotions about it, they just shouldn’t be on you to manage. If he takes more time to move past it than others might, that doesn’t make him bad or mean he loves you less or anything necessarily. It’s not punishment if he is returning and offering affection and intimacy without pressure, IMO.
Your feelings about it are valid too, though. Is there something you need for connection or reassurance when he returns that would soothe you and help move past it together? What do you need in this situation?
I’m working on this in therapy for the processing part, but my thoughts are always that my emotions are mine to handle; I do not want to put them on my partner and have them feel bad about turning me down. Sometimes I just need to go self regulate; other times, not gonna lie, I want to get off and then come to bed without any sexual tension or thoughts. I know my partner may still want platonic touch or comfort, cuddles etc and I don’t want to deny that or anything. I love them and want to be close to them in the ways they have consented to in those moments, no more than that.
I think you should talk to him and brain storm other ways you guys could and are ok being intimate when you’re not in the mood. Would you be willing to tease him a bit with your hand and let him finish himself after you’ve given him a little affection? Would you be ok cuddling him while he does himself? Would you be ok giving him a whole HJ? Do you just want to cuddle? These are just examples you can use or create your own.
Sometimes the way you turn down is important too. I’m not in the mood right now but would love to try in the morning or tmr. I’m not in the mood right now but you can take care of yourself while I cuddle you etc.
Me and my partners libidos are close but I’m still higher and when she’s not in the mood she basically tells me how to handle it, or the level of affection she’s ok giving “you take care of yourself”, “I’ll give you an HJ”
I’d just discuss this with him, cause rejection that happens enough can be frustrating, and he’s to the point were he can’t handle it properly anymore. I don’t think it’s a matter of who’s right and wrong just more the fact you haven’t communicated together, heard each other, and came up with solutions.
You don’t want to have sex because you arnt in a physical emotional space to do so. He has a negative emotional and physical response when you turn him down.
So you don’t have sex with him but you expect him to be emotionally present when he has difficulty processing the denial?
He removes himself due to frustration. Nothing wrong if he needs his space and he isn’t a robot – he can’t help being cold if that’s that is triggered for him.
Communicate more about what to do and how to behave when it happens. We cannot co tell our emotional responses only our behaviour. This is t abuse
This may be an unpopular opinion but…
Maybe the rejection was a hit to his confidence. Men get their feelings hurt and deal with self image/body issues, too and sexual rejection from a partner can bring up a lot of those issues, even if it’s not intentional.
I do not agree with other comments that his response was toxic, he didn’t lash out or demand sex or tear you down… it seems as though he took your rejection personally, his feelings were hurt so he took a walk and was fine when he came back. As long as he isn’t using this as some sort of ammunition against you then I don’t see a problem with his reaction, nor do I see a problem with you turning him down. This is definitely something the two of you should discuss together, preferably not in the heat of the moment.
He didn’t force you and he walked away peacefully. Don’t let the simps of Reddit’s make you get a divorce by the end of the day.
i never understand these posts or comments. you reject him, he rejected you. its literally that simple
nothing new here just men being assholes as usual
Neither you or him are overreacting. People have emotions. It’s okay to feel.
BUT, you can communicate with him your feelings of when he takes time away from you when you turn down sex. This is USUALLY something that people can work on as long as there is communication about it.
It’s really immature that when you aren’t in the mood after being ill and traveling his reaction is to pout and withdraw instead of being sympathetic. Why are his feelings more important than yours?
People who think they are owed sex and get pissed off when they can’t get it when they want despite their partners feelings are gross. Sorry he’s like that, he needs to consider your feelings more. Or have a wank in the sink and get over himself.
You are not overreacting. He is punishing you and withholding his love from you, rather than communicating that he is feeling _____ (hurt, rejected, etc) and then taking care of his feelings. It is more than okay to say no. I am proud of you for continuing to say no and take care of yourself despite his punishing tactics.
I can’t comment on whether its normal or not. But I will say that in all 3 of my relationships, this has never happened to me when I turned down my partners (which was like…half the time). So for me personally, its not normal how he reacted.
I think it’s pretty normal to feel down when you are rejected in sex. Even if you know the other person loves you, sometimes it can still pull up the insecurity of, “Is something wrong with me?” and “Am I not _ enough for them.” Hence, I do not see anything with wrong with your hubby being down. However, the manner he is expressing it in is harming you. While it may have been an positive emotional recovery for him to withdraw, going off in the middle of the night alone without telling anyone is scary for any partner. I think it’s worth a shot of saying, “I feel punished when I say no. I don’t want to be pushed away. How do you think that could change.” Or something else along those lines of working to together to fix the problem.
My partner had to do that for me. When I’m rejected, I emotionally pull away to recover. My partner didn’t like that. I didn’t realize it came off as petty. We compromised and are working together against the issue. We found out the reason I pull away is because I feel insecure that he stopped loving me to the point he doesn’t want to touch me (childhood insecurity). To help, now when he says no, he reminds that he loves me and tells me what we can do instead, such as “No, but I would love to cuddle with you.” I find it helpful, and the open communication afterwards where I thanked him for his kindness and self respect and him praising me for taking it better than in the past helps. Now, it feel like both of us are winning.
This happens to me about once a week (mismatched drive with long term partner) and I would feel bad about giving her that kind of response in my scenario. I think the guy is simply processing his feelings and I wouldn’t say it is necessarily abusive, but I do think he should communicate what he is doing and thinking during a time like this. That part is wrong to me, the silence. I usually say “aight it’s all good” and then we watch some tv or something. She does a good job of explaining what she’s feeling and I think you should both probably work on that aspect of this sort of exchange.
tldr: he could process his feelings in a healthier and more communicative way.
This is NOT ok! This is emotional abuse and sexual coercion. My ex used to do the exact same thing when I said no to sex, to the point where I started sometimes giving into having sex because the alternative (him completely ignoring me) was more painful.
I usually try not to jump right to “break up,” but if he won’t listen to you, maybe some couples counseling?
Dude is trash. His reaction was not okay.
Here’s the thing, 23 (M) here and I can most certainly say your husband knows that he is overreacting. That why after throwing his little fit he gets back into bed with you and holds you close like nothing happened because I can say without a doubt he’s also thinking that he’s overreacting. With that being said when someone is getting hot and sexual they are also being slightly vulnerable because they’re making it clear THEY WANT YOU when they get turned down it can be bruising to the ego and leave them feeling insecure. With that being said his insecurities aren’t yours to have to put up with. He handled it wrong, got out of bed and went for a walk to blow off some steam. After he calmed down he got back into bed and held you. I don’t think he views you like a sex minion and I just think he may have become insecure which frustrated him. He’s human, he didn’t handle it right and you should have an open discussion that while you love him it’s very immature to become frustrated if you decide not to engage in him sexually. Tell him this and watch to see how he responds. If it happens again then he has some definite insecurity issues. PS I think the people in the comments can be rather harsh, my opinion is just try and take all these responses with a grain of salt, you know your husband better than any of us.
I think the key point here is there this is a way to turn this around into a positive when it happens again. I’m under the impression that your husband probably equates in his head that no sex=rejection, which can be impactful for feeling types with anxiety attachments. Yes he has a hand and can take care of business himself but during times where you really don’t want to because you’re tired or whatever (which is totally legitimate that you’re not always in the mood), schedule a specific time. Say something like I’ll make it up to you tomorrow.
This is coercion, to prevent you from saying no again, and it’s messed up…
Getting visibly annoyed and upset and withholding affection because his partner didn’t want to have sex with him is super immature and his problem to solve. Tbh that is a huge turn-off for me.
My advice? Be okay with a man getting angry or upset with you. So many women get anxious and uncomfortable when their partner is upset at them, even when the reason for it is entirely the guy’s problem. So many women feel like they need to “fix” the problem, apologize, compromise, give in, or do a whole bunch of emotional labor to soothe his hurt feelings.
No. All this teaches him is that he’s allowed to get angry and upset about childish things and you’ll come running over to take care of it.
He gets miffed that you said no to sex? *Shrug* ignore it and live your effing life. What’s for breakfast? Oh, you’re answering with a sullen silence? Cool, I’m going to go out shopping with so-and-so, see ya later!
Once he’s realizes that you don’t give a crap about his tantrums and immature moods and that behavior isn’t rewarded with attention, he’ll have less of an incentive to behave this way.
If he can’t read your cues (which perhaps he legitimately cannot) such as being curled up with a nightcap on (ha!) he should absolutely be able accept there are times you aren’t in the mood to have sex. It sounds like he’s throwing a silent temper tantrum. I feel like leaving for a couple hours is punitive. Couldn’t he just go in the shower and handle his business? 🧐
I’m a guy in my late 30s and I used to get like this. Just give it time. Eventually he’ll get over it or you guys will figure out a rhythm where the childishness is short lived. FWIW one thing that worked for me was realizing that generally it’s not a flat out rejection but just a “not now”. Again this is just me but seeing it that way helps me to ignore my inner voices that result in me being cold, vindictive, childish…I do think it’s worth you asking him what upsets him most and definitely pay attention to what he says and does as both often expose what his insecurities around rejection really are.
It is emotional abuse what he’s doing. It wouldn’t be if he properly communicated he needed time to himself instead of giving you the silent treatment and storming out. Your ego is not more important than your partner’s consent and comfort. If you feel it’s rejection, that’s your own problem. Not your partner’s. You do not get to treat them like that just cause you have blue balls. If you’re truly that insecure either A) don’t be in a relationship until you can handle that kind of rejection with grace or B) communicate with your partner and say, “Hey, I’m feeling really insecure right now. It’s not your fault, I just need a couple of minutes/hours to myself to get myself back in order and I’ll get back to you soon.” If you’re not communicating effectively when you get insecure instead of punishing your partner for saying no (which throwing a tantrum, giving the silent treatment, and withholding affection absolutely is punishing them), you are making your own insecurities their problem and are basically making them afraid to say no, which is a form of coercion.
That being said, I’m not sure he’s completely hopeless. I think you need to sit him down and tell him, “Me rejecting sex doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it just means I don’t want sex at that moment. I understand if you’re feeling insecure, but please communicate that with words next time and if you need some time to yourself to recoup, tell me that. I don’t mind if you need some time to yourself, I just need to know we’re okay, and it’s hard to know that if you don’t just straight up tell me.” If he reacts well to that and agrees to do that from now on (and follows through with action), then you know it was a one time thing. If he gets angry and defensive and won’t listen to you, then you know he’s not a good person.
It’s unreasonable to give a partner a cold shoulder then leave for hours in the middle of the night without a word because sex was declined. Especially since it seems a very infrequent occurrence. Imagine if you get seriously ill, injured, or have a baby and require recovery time? His expectation that you have sex whenever he wants for the rest of your lives together is unreasonable. It’s okay to be disappointed, it’s okay to have feelings about it, but he needs to get a handle on how he manages it and he needs to adjust his expectations.
Your husband is taking this far too personally and listen to everyone else here that you have a right to be upset, but express yourself clearly and calmly of course. Sounds like he might not even be consciously aware of what he is doing or why and that is not good, he has some thinking and communicating to do.
Maybe try rejecting him differently, too. Instead of no I don’t want sex, maybe try sugar coating a little because it’s true, it’s hard not to feel a little rejected. I’m too tired of sex, could I have some cuddles instead? Or kisses, or back rubs, or I want to lay on top of you, or I want skin contact. Turning down sex is totally fine, but sometimes it can be interpreted as a rejection of the request for intimacy. So try offering something else more low key to say hey I do love you, and I know you want to be affectionate right now. It also says I appreciate the interest, and kinda comforts them at the same time.
Of course if you’re actually nauseous at the time of the offer, sugar coating doesn’t really work, so I’d go for sugar coating with words, or jokes. Like honey I love you, but if you touch my stomach I’m gonna hurl on you. Of course your spouse should take a simple no as a no, but if you have energy to offer alternatives or kind words, easing rejection from both parties is ideal.
I’m just gonna ask… does he smell like alcohol when he gets back? Cause going for a walk in the middle of the night?? While you’re on a trip where you don’t know the area?? For a couple hours??? This screams suspicious
He’s acting like a child.
If you both are high libido like you say and are normally on the same page you should get him to understand that when you are rejecting it’s because something is wrong/distressing/hurting etc in your life for which you need sympathy and support for. Not the cold shoulder, because you do want to have sex with him and don’t want to reject him because he’s your husband. Your husband shouldn’t be giving you the cold shoulder when you need him. If he can’t understand or handle that you should dump him and find someone better because that behaviour is not what you want in your life partner. Otherwise how is he going to act when you’re ill or pregnant etc?
He went to have a wank. That’s all. No big deal. Also, you sound pregnant. Consider having a test.
Your husband sounds like he sucks
I can understand why he may feel hurt with the rejection. Though, he overreacted and he knows it. The way he acted is not okay and he needs to learn how to deal with the rejection, and understand not to take it personally like that.
You’re upset because you’re husband wanted some space after being rejected?
Then he came home & cuddled with you after he got the space he needed?
Do you want him to enjoy rejection or be angry at you?
Cause those are the only other options.
It sounds like he’s the primary initiator in your relationship. That means he’s the main one getting rejected over and over and over and over and over. You kinda can’t be bitter about it when you’re basically never in his shoes. It’s not his responsibility to comfort you in his discomfort. It’s cruel to suggest that he must stay around you and be kind when he doesn’t feel it. He shouldn’t have to pretend he’s not upset just to make you feel better.
I hope unmarried redditors take this as a lesson; make sure someone respects your ownership over your own body before marrying them. Never marry someone who thinks getting married makes them entitled to sex any time they want. You can say no for any reason. It is your right – even when you’re married. Stay away from assholes who don’t accept that.
First of all, you done nothing wrong rejecting sex because you where tired, what more you gave him a another time, so this is not on your side.
Men with high sex drive tend to have problems with sex rejections, his reaction was probably to withhold his urges and being cold is a self-defence system to cool down. In this state your need of cuddle is making it worse.
You both need to mature and respect other feelings. Talk to each other, maybe his reaction it’s only way he know to get out of situations like this, and you need to stop worrying about every single thing he’s doing.
Did he go and hookup with someone?
His behavior is super immature and inappropriate. You don’t owe him sex. He is allowed to feel sad that he was rejected but his choosing to give you the cold shoulder and leave in the middle of the night is not a mature response. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you and coerce you into sex by making you feel guilty.
Personally I think this type of display is disgusting and I would never stand for it. I hope you don’t either.
Here’s the distinction: his feelings are valid. His chosen response and his behavior are not acceptable.
I work in child care. When a toddler doesn’t get the toy he wanted, he can feel sad and angry, but if he chooses to behave in a way that is violent or mean to the other kids, then he has to go in time out.
There is a difference between feeling your emotions, and the choices you make in response to those emotions.
He probably went to go jack off, and didn’t want to tell you because it seems rude. If your sex life has been generally lacking in his mind, he may have hoped that the trip would respark things and he’d get some vacation sex, and expressed his disappointment as anger. He was normal when he came back because he addressed his horniness.