I’ve (F20)been seeing my bf (M20) for almost 4 years and we’ve mostly had a really good relationship, definitely more ups than downs.
We see each other on the weekends – I’ve pressed for more but with our interests and work it’s just not happened. He will admit to being selfish and stubborn – and his mum has said to me many times she spoiled him and she wishes she’d of said no sometimes. I’ve mentioned before I don’t really feel like a priority (he’ll often change plans with me last min to see his mates, although will never admit that’s the reason)
He’s not perfect, neither am I so I’m trying to take him for what he is but recently things have come to a head.
We’ve been planning a family meal with everyone for a few months. Unlike his family we rarely all get together so it was important to me. I planned on announcing some big career related news at this time which I knew may not be accepted by some so did need his support – which I told him about.
Anyway 4 days before the dinner he tells me he’s going out with his mates instead. When I told him how that was not cool he told me ‘it wasn’t that deep’ and there would be other times they would all be together.
We argued a little but like most times with him being so stubborn he won’t back down until I get fed up of going round in circles and give in.
Tl;dr boyfriend admits to being selfish and stubborn but no steps to change. I wonder if he will ever change or should I just accept him for who he is?
10 comments
Well…one would hope to have more ups than downs in a relationship….
Now go out & find a nice guy.
No, he’s not going to change, why would he? Everyone around him, including you, accepts his behavior. I would strongly consider finding someone more considerate.
To me, love is valuing someone else’s happiness and well being close to how much you value your own. So, I would interpret this as him telling you he does not love you, which would be a dealbreaker for me in such a long relationship. If he’s been with you for four years, and he still doesn’t love you, I don’t think it’s going to happen.
>should I just accept him for who he is?
You SHOULD do this, and dump him for it. For as long as you reward his selfishness with your continued presence he will stay this way.
Trust me, move on. Ur going to regret wasting time on this. Identical situation this ain’t gonna work and his probably cheating too. Run for the hills and be happy.
He clearly doesn’t value or care about you. If you can’t count on him, why would you want to spend your precious time with someone who disrespects you?
Lets paint a picture here… couod you do this for another four years? Do you think you can carry on being 3rd all your life? Him #1 hus friends #2 then you. Then say you get married to him some day it’s time to wedding plan do you think you’ll have your perfect wedding day? Where you go cake testing and looking at venues he picks EVERYTHING, his way or no way end of. There will be no compromising every, then say you have children, he doesn’t like the names you picked, he doesn’t attend doctor’s appointments because he has to go out with his mates or play a game, baby arrives he misses the birth something else propped up that was apparently more important, your beautiful new born is making you exhausted you’ve just given burth you’re in pain you need a rest the baby needs feeding and changing you ask him for help, but he’s too busy. Your child slowly starts to grow up they get excited because daddy has promised them this and that and their little faces of pure disappointment and heartbreak because daddy broke his promise once again, how do you think your children’s mental health will be? Their see their mother being destroyed they never be able to trust anyone because not even their own dad can keep a promises, they will grow up having trust issues and grow up knowing mum loved them but they now have daddy issues. Can you honestly say you want this life? You may not want children or marriage it make be work or more important family events like weddings, looking after neices and nephews do you really think he’ll be there for you?
He knows if he carrys on being stubborn you’ll roll over, if he demands things like children he’ll keep going on even if you’re not ready then before you know it you’re pregnant and scared the baby comes along and you get depression and does your husband care? No not at all.
He sounds exstreamly selfish and you deserve better treatment! Don’t settle, your Mr Right is out there waiting for you somewhere but you can’t find him if you’re with Mr Wrong. There a good kind men out there who will never make you feel second best, who will support you in every way possible throughout your life. Don’t go wasting another 4 years.
Real true love is when you bring the best out in eachother and you both want to be better people for eachother and for yourself.
Many people change drastically between age 16 and age 20. And, when someone is in a relationship all through those years, they ( many men, especially) often feel like they missed out or feel trapped or start feeling restless and resentful at about this age.
I wonder if that is what is going on with your boyfriend. I don’t know. Only he would know. But, no matter the reason, the picture you’ve painted for us doesn’t leave many of us feeling excited for you in this relationship. It sounds like he is choosing himself over you instead of making you a priority at key times… and while it is the common response to encourage people to break up here in these relationship post replies, this makes even someone like me – who doesn’t usually reply that way – to encourage you to consider it.
My guess is he has had it too good for too long but wonders what it would be like to have freedom and be without you for a while. At the very least, he wonders what it would be like without so many of your requests, responsibilities, and commitments. He may not even want to break up with you because he appreciates all of the good you do for him, but he doesn’t understand how important it is to make sacrifices at times when a significant other needs support…. because I am sure you make sacrifices and are supportive of him, right? So, I would recommend that you show him what it is like to not have your support day in and day out and consider breaking up. It may show him what he has taken for granted (you)… and it may show you that you’re more compatible and more appreciated by someone else who is more kind and caring and generous.
He is very clear about who he is and what his priorities are…. Accepting him for who he is doesn’t mean staying with him. It means believing what he’s telling you/showing you and acting on what’s right for you based on this information.
Good news is you’re 20 and it’s time to dump this loser and find someone on your level. You DO NOT have to settle for this trash behavior. He will ALWAYS put you second. You’re a weekend fuck for him.